Thursday

Reborn

Figure walking on road
 When we are born, if all goes according to greatest hopes, our first experience of eye contact is in love. She beholds us with blood, sweat and tears. And in that moment, our body does not yet know that we are separate. If the environment is tense, loud… we cry. If the environment is soothing, we are soothed.

We take our first steps. It is the beginning of our awareness that we are separate. I can run away from you! I can climb those stairs if I’m fast enough! Drunk on independence, we still look back every time we fall. Am I ok? Did that hurt? Is this safe? Is that person nice? We have begun to understand ourselves as something not quite separate, not quite connected.

Over the years of childhood we stretch this tether. We go to school. We go to camp. We go to practice. And eventually we begin to recognize: I and thou. You are over there. I am here.


We no longer find ourselves in the eyes of the parent. Instead, we seek to determine our own personhood. Ironically, we do this through trying on other peoples’. Does your coat fit me? How about your jeans? Do I like talking this way? Do I enjoy this activity? This music? We no longer find our personhood in the liquid pool of a loving mother. Instead, we find it through group identity. I am okay because my peers tell me I am.

We grow older, and we leave childhood. We leave behind “peer pressure”... except now we try on coats of a different kind: career, industry, production. I am an artist. I am a lawyer. I am an athlete. I am “finding myself”. We expand once again: beyond the first embrace,  beyond the circle of close peers. Now we seek to know who we are from an even wider circle of input. What is my village? What is my community? What are my values? What do I want for my life?

We partner. We pair off. Some of us then become parents ourselves. Lost in the pool of reflection for our own children, the cycle repeats in them.

But there is an interesting thing that we don’t talk about: the space beyond this perfect circle. Because you see, we still see ourselves in reflection. We may have expanded the mirror- but it is a mirror yet. It is fragile. How do I know? Because when the mirrors crack, it sends us into a great cataclysmic collapse.

Laid off.
Divorced.
Fired.
Disgraced.

Left.

Failed.

Evicted.

Rejected.


We suddenly don’t know who we are. We are lost. A child without a mirror cannot find themselves. They have no sense of self: no I, no thou. 


There is a collective collapse right now. We have lost our many mirrors. The co-workers. The yoga friends. The community. The grocery clerk. In a vacuum we cannot hear our own voice.


The losses mount. The grief turns to anger turns to despair. We lament the loss of things. Then we ultimately lament the loss of self. The desolation feels crushing.


If this is you right now, listen to me. Dear sweet child. You were born of blood and sweat. The moment of your birth is at hand once again.

This time it is not birth through another. This time it is not a self understood in a reflection pool.


Oh no, this is much more. This defies words. But let me try:

Have you ever seen fire in your own eyes? Have you ever known your own tenderness, so sweet you could only cry with relief? Have you ever felt heat melt your bones from the inside? Leaving behind molten lava? Have you ever thought you would die? Split in two and never live again? Have you ever felt sure that you could not go on. Not. one. More. moment? But then you did?

But then you did?

But then. You. fucking. DID


Have you ever felt sure you possess alchemy inside of you? Magic in place of bones? Fire proof?

Have you ever felt the space inside you that is unbreakable?


That is what you are birthing now.

Don’t you dare give up, dear one. You must be your own midwife here. You must be unafraid. Or you know what? Screw that. Be afraid. Scream. Be angry. If you must thrash, then do it. But oh you must keep going. Because this is your undoing. 


Every role you’ve ever called yourself. Guess what? It was bullshit. You are more. So much more. You are ineffable. You are indescribable. You defy coats. You defy mirrors. You are only truly your own in this life. That is it.

And once you know that. You are reborn. 


3 comments:

  1. Wow...Amen! And thank you! Thank you for seeing us and reassuring us during this odd rebirth. Love you Krysta.....

    ReplyDelete
  2. HOW CAN I RECOVER BACK MY LOST FUNDS

    Expressive question entreated by victims. Here is the reason you need to know about the GLOBALKOS HACK TEAM.
    HEAR MY STORY. Valuable information and Privileges comes rare. People barely know what they have never experienced. I was a victim of a scam. Anyone from all walks of life can fall a victim when the time is right. I recalled how I came across a business website who promised a huge return on investment. I was so convinced. The website was good and after it whole convincement, I ended up depositing 7,000 dollars. I was silly and excited to think I could get 200% return on my investment the next day. the next day came, i requested for my profit then got nothing. To cut the story short, I realized I have lost my money after the story which was conveyed to me was mistrustful.
    After a year, I saw a review online that navigated me to Globalkos hacker who used some hack protocol whereby the locations and data of the deceptive provenience were traced into their monetary base network.
    He was able to recover more than what I lost. I was perplexed as I wouldn’t have thought i could encounter such guru. I feel so much happy till this day. I am sharing with you knowledge because so much people could benefit from this high classified information. As a victim, all you need to do is tender the information of either the website or company you had an encounter with, then the hacker do his private job.
    This company is large enough to provide comprehensive range of services such as.
    đŸ”¸MOBILE PHONE HACKS.(Catching A Cheating Spouse)
    đŸ”¸CREDIT SCORE UPGRADE,
    đŸ”¸PENETRATION OF WEBSITES AND DATABASE.
    and more.
    For prolific services and info,
    Contact the gurus.
    At theglobalkos@gmail.com

    ReplyDelete

Thank you for taking the time to comment. Please note that this (being the internet) is not a confidential or secure way to contact me. If you wish to speak with me privately, please call me at 916-270-7413 or visit my site www.CounselingInRoseville.com