The Blame Game

How I wished I looked when at home

Okay, I'm gonna give you a glimpse into my personal life and sell out my husband at the same time (sorry hon!) But what else would you expect from me by now?

About how old I feel when handling poop.

Here's a day in the life of this (part-time) stay-at-home-parent: After a busy weekend, our house is in chaos.  My attempts to cook lunch or dinner are thwarted by the semi-full dishwasher and overflowing sink. My toddler's poop-splosion (yes, it's a word!) in his "big boy pants"  means that I rush with a dripping bomb of clothing to the utility sink (full of other stuff) and then to the washing machine (full of musty-smelling damp clothes). My attempts to throw away the clutter are met with frustration when I find out that there is no garbage can liner... again....

Now, these little irritations are not a big deal by themselves. But when you're exhausted, overwhelmed and alone with a toddler on a messy Monday... and *ahem* some of these events *may or may not* be the fault of an absent member of your household who is now at a beautiful sparkling office which is quiet and poop-splosion free? Well, let's just say my attitude and I had to have a little talk. You pickin' up what I'm puttin' down?

Dramatization of "the text"

I could turn into that wife who greets her hubby with steam coming out of her ears (yup, I've been her before). I could turn into that wife who does the clean up but plays dramatic violin music in her head as she imagines the closeup video shot of her martyrdom (maybe I've known her too). Or.... I could *gulp* skip the blame and ask for help.

Because the truth is, I hadn't been on top of my game all weekend either (its been known to happen!) And I'm perfectly capable of lending a hand with any of those issues above. And somehow, when I have a bad day and I'm not very productive... I look for compassion from my husband; yet when he's off his game- he needs to pay.  And that's not a very happy way to go through a marriage.

My valiant hubby...

So I skipped the blaming text (oh, you know the one!) and went straight for the SOS text- "I need helllllllp!"

And guess what I got? We skipped the fight and got straight to the fixing. Within a short time of my darling hubby's return home- I got a sympathetic hug and all the help I needed.

 Which made me think: I could have pitched a fit (and would have felt oh so justified) but then my overwhelmed and stressed-out self would have also had a fight to fix too. Or, I could make the revolutionary choice to skip the blame and ask for help. Which meant I got what I really needed.

Wow, I learned something new yesterday. :) Just thought I'd share!

pssst- Sorry it's been a while. I've been doing some writing for others, including MacaroniKid

You Are What You Marinate In

Let's pretend I am a normal person and not a "therapist" for a moment. It will make this easier to admit.

There are days I think angry or unkind thoughts about my husband.

It usually happens when I'm feeling overwhelmed at the sheer enormity of the task before me... and then I trip over something he (unknowingly) left in my path. He doesn't even have to be there, but in that moment, the emotional force of all of my frustration finds a bulls-eye! I go from stressed-out mommy to "innocent and unappreciated" martyr in the span of 5 seconds.


It's not pretty. In fact, it's entirely petty and childish and mean-spirited. I guess I should be thankful it all happened in my head, huh?

Oh yes, you know "the look"

But here's the thing: regardless of whether or not anyone knows the depths of my thoughts, they will still change how I feel and interact with my husband later that day. I might be completely "over" the latest annoyance... and yet as soon as he walks in the door and does *that thing that makes me crazy*, I'm a lot less likely to chalk it up to a cute character quirk.

I like to make up terms. In this case, I call it a "Love Buffer". You see, when I spend all day marinating in angry, resentful, hateful thoughts... it depletes my love buffer. Suddenly my capacity for patience and understanding is drained. Things that might have been a "2" on a 10-point scale are now an "8". Suddenly, I'm fighting over something that doesn't truly matter to me. And the craziest part is... I might not even realize that my current fight is being influenced by my earlier private martyrdom.

But I've come to realize: I am what I marinate in.
-when I marinate in resentment all day, I eventually become resentful.
-when I marinate in hateful thoughts all day, I eventually become hateful.
-when I marinate in bitter musings all day, I eventually become bitter.

So does this mean I ought to suppress any momentary irritation with my spouse? Pretend he's perfect in my mind and expect that to solve everything? Hardly! But it does mean that once I've communicated my frustration to him, and we've worked it out, it's my job to make sure I'm redepositing back into my Love Buffer.

How? I marinate in the good with as much relish as I did the bad. By searching my memory banks for the recent kind and considerate things he did. By making mental lists of 3 things I truly love about him. By re-playing special moments in my mind: our first kiss, our wedding day, the birth of our son.

In other words, by doing what newlyweds do naturally: marinating in the love so that I have enough buffer to endure the bad. Because after all, I am what I marinate in.

Wishing you a squishy marinade full of love,

A Creeping Spice...

After my latest post on marriage, I received a ton of feedback (thanks!) I also received a question from a reader which basically asked:

"These tips are good, but how do you keep a longer marriage going strong?"

.... "Hmmmm", I needed to think on that one.

It's not that I was short on ideas. I'm actually full of those. (After all, it's what I do all day!) But I wanted to think about long-term marriages, and what makes them different. After all, romance is romance... so I'm pretty sure any "romantic tips" would work for any aged couple. The difference I see, however, is that longer-term marriage requires more intentional investment to keep romance alive. So although these ideas will really work for anyone that wants to be creative in their marriage, I chose them for my longer marriages because they are intentional.

5 Ways To Keep A Longer Marriage "En Fuego"!


1. Remind yourself of the reason you fell in love.

Okay, true confession time: I am "Type-A". My husband is not. When we first fell in love, it was because of this fact. His laid-back style perfectly complimented my high energy. In that first haze of young love, he mellowed me out.

.... but guess what? (You already see this coming, don't you?) It is the single-handed biggest source of our married-couple fights. When I have to remind him "just one more time"... and he's getting nagged "yet again"... it's easy to entirely forget that these same traits used to be cute! So my direct advice on this: If your spouse has a trait that is driving you bonkers lately, think back to a time when you found it endearing (yes, there was at time!) It might not make the annoyance go away, but it will help you keep it in perspective.


2. Make love a game.

I am afraid to write this, because my husband (supportive guy that he is) is going to read it. And now he'll know my little secret. From time to time, I issue challenges to myself. (I realize this sounds weird, but wait!) The purpose of jumping these mental hoops is to shake things up in a positive way. Therefore, in a nutshell, the challenge is to do something secretly that will make your spouse happy.

Example- I'll say to myself: "This week I'm going to say something nice to him (unsolicited) every day." or "This week I will only be allowed to nag him once a day" (because lets be honest, it's going to happen!). Other ideas could include: doing a dreaded chore for your spouse, giving hugs and backrubs without sexual agendas, taking the kids off their hands (if they are the usual child-care providers), cooking a favorite meal each night, saying "I love you" every day before work... and so on.

The sky's the limit and creativity is a plus! It's especially rewarding to utilize #3 when doing this.

3. Remember their Love Language.

Gary Chapman wrote a book called "The 5 Love Languages" that is a must-read for every single married person (or parent). It's easy to understand and practical, and it's principles will change your relationship over night. (How many books can say that! And no, I don't know Gary or get any kickback from this! :) )

In an nutshell, everyone gives and receives love differently. (Duh). In this case: physical touch, gifts, acts of service, quality time, or verbal affirmation. The problems arise because we give love to others in the same way we feel loved. While we spend our time picking out the perfect birthday gift ("gifts"), they just wish you would take them somewhere and hang out ("quality time"). Or while we're constantly giving hugs and kisses (physical touch), they're wishing we would just help around the house ("service"). You get the idea.We hear love better when its spoken in our language!

So next time you feel like doing something nice for your sweetie, why not stop and consider their love language? You'll get more bang for your buck if you do!


4. Have sex.

If you read my other article, you're thinking: "Give it a REST, Krysta." But in longer relationships, I see this as sorely underrated. This doesn't mean you need to have sex as often as you once did (although, that would be great too!) It doesn't mean you have to be as flexible or athletic as you once were (ha. I'm teasing you.) But it does mean that nothing says "romantic partnership" quite as well as the classics. 

And if that doesn't motivate you, consider this: when your spouse said "I do".. .they also signed up for a lifetime of only getting to have sex with YOU. Their sexual needs, gratification, identity, feelings of sexiness- come almost entirely from you. That's an awesome responsibility. One I recommend that married couples don't take lightly. Think about it: sex is totally unique in that way. We can receive compliments from others. Others can remind us of our intelligence, charisma, talent and so on. But our sexual identities remain (mostly) hidden from the outside world and reserved only for each other. What an honor and rare connection. I think we could all do better if we cherished that a little more.

5. Re-meet your spouse.
A recent article I read proved that married couples were more likely to guess their spouses perspective wrong, than a perfect stranger! Why is that? Because after all these years together, we get used to thinking we know all about each other. And we disregard any evidence to the contrary. Think about it, we've got each other so pegged- that we figure we can throw away the file. No need to add anything new to it.

But consider this: when you run into an old friend (think high school, college) are you ever amazed at how they've changed? Amazed at what they've made of themselves? Or how they've become so much more: open minded, grounded, creative, ambitious, or conventional than you would have guessed? If so, then I recommend you give your spouse the same chance to wow you.

Next time you're out, try pretending you don't know everything about your spouse (hey, this could fulfill #2!) Try asking them questions like you would at a cocktail party- about their day, their job, their interests.... You might be surprised to find there are things still left to know. And in the process, your spouse will feel cared for. That's a win/win in my book.

Feel free to comment on ways you keep YOUR marriage spicy. I'm always looking for new ones!

Wishing you a sprinkle of Tabasco in your marriage!

Five Easy Ways I Keep It Spicy- and you can too!

I figured in light of the weekend, this particular Blog Prompt was timely:

How Do You Keep The Romance Alive With Your Spouse? (for more info, click here)

Okay, let me start with a True Confession: my life is not glamorous. In case there was any doubt: I write this in sweats. My toddler made sure I did not shower today. My background inspirational noise? The Wonder Pets ("What's gonna work? Team work!")

Why do I tell you this? Because I want you to know that in addition to a fancy-pants "Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist" I am also a REAL person. It isn't like my husband and I get to jet off to Vegas for the weekend on a lark. Heck, we don't even get to eat dinner out without childcare plans. So I get it. I get how marriage could lose a spark. It's easy to do.

That said, I work with couples on helping keep their marriages lively and meaningful. And I've got some ideas. These things work in my marriage, in my clients' marriages, and I think they can work in yours too:

1. Go On Dates.

I know, this might sound completely obvious. But a recent study showed that as many as 60% of married women did not go on date nights with their spouse! While this study might not be scientific, if it's even close to accurate- that scares me. So if you're in that 60%, let me explain why I think date nights are extremely important: The day to day of marriage, maintaining a home, balancing a budget, caring for children, focusing on a career: means that there is a LOT of opportunity for neutral or even negative daily interaction. It takes a conscious effort to make sure that there are positive interactions to balance that out- and help your relationship go the distance.

Similarly, its easy to forget that in addition to all the hats you wear- you are a woman and a lover too. (I know, I said "lover". It's a semi-gross word. However, it's also a TRUE one!) Take it from the woman in sweats- showering, makeup, doing your hair, wearing an outfit that's too sexy for the office or the playgroup, putting on insensible shoes..... these things are important to keep your libido going. Which leads me to my next point.

2. Have sex.

Again, depending on how you're doing- this is either completely obvious to you, or you are cringing and wanting to skip it. But please hear me out! Relationship expert Michele Weiner-Davis writes in her book "Sex Starved Marriage" about this important topic. She offers the controversial opinion (supported by research and brilliant minds) that barring medical issues: having a good sex life is a choice. "Use it or lose it", that's my motto. So while no one is expecting porn-star status from you, it's important to remember that your sexuality was an important part of your courtship and early marriage. And *gulp* it still should be. (*Ducking to avoid laptops being thrown at my head!*)

3. Fight!

What? huh? Did she really say that!? Yup. I did. When I see couples, I would rather have a couple come in my office in a SCREAMING match than completely silent. Not because I enjoy screaming matches (they make my blood pressure rise just like anyone else). But because there is CARING behind it. As long as there is fighting, there is passion behind ideas. There is a belief that your words matter. There is emotion behind your interactions.

This doesn't mean you need to have a dirty-take-no-prisoners-fight. It could be a sparring match. It could be cracking jokes on each other. It could even be playing competitive games on opposite sides. But going head to head can help clear the air... and reignite your passions.

4. Do Something Different!

The worst enemy of love is not hate; its boredom. So I recommend you do something different. Eat in a different location of the house. Switch roles for a day and do each other's "chores". Turn off the TV if it's always on. Try a new board game. Go to a new kind of activity (a comedy club? A sporting event? A concert?) It can be ridiculous, that doesn't matter. Just as long as it's different.

This helps in two ways: One, the novelty centers of your brain respond when you are in new settings. This means you are feeling happier and more open to new ideas. When something is new- it signals to your brain: "Okay, pay attention. You're not used to doing this." And you become more flexible, creative, imaginative, and adaptive. All great things when you're trying to bond with your sweetie. That's why vacations are such great bonding times.

Two, it can allow you to see your spouse in a different light. After years (decades) of doing more or less the same, seeing your spouse doing something DIFFERENT can really help add a sense of freshness and novelty. You just might learn something new about each other- and a new reason to have the hots for one another.

5. Do Something Your Spouse Is Good At!
Let's face it, confidence is SEXY. So is competence (and they tend to go hand in hand). So put yourself in the position to see each other at your best.  This could be a sport, a hobby, or even work-related function. But by seeing each other at your best, it not only gives your spouse a chance to show off (and feel good about themselves) but it shows that you take an interest in what is important to them. And let's face it, feeling good about your skills and your spouse's interest in you... Now that's an aphrodisiac!

Wishing you a sexy weekend with your honey!

Can This Marriage Be Saved?

One of my favorite quotes: "Hope begins in the dark"

Hope.

In my opinion, hope is one of the most significant things that a therapist can offer. Nowhere is this more obvious than in couples' counseling. By the time a couple has come in my door, they have been locked in a painful dance for a long time. Each interaction taking its toll, chipping away at their marriage and their selves.

It's been my experience, that couples know very well what is wrong with their marriage and their partner. They (better than anyone) know the ways in which they hurt one another. They know all the reasons their marriage is "doomed". They can give a detailed account in fact.

And yes, that is valuable information. And yes, it is important for a therapist to know all of it. How do you cure an illness you don't yet understand? So I see value in learning the ins and outs of the couple's past experiences. Their tally of hurts. The many ways that they each have wounded the other.

But then what?

What comes next?

I dare say, that is what couples come to counseling for. They are stuck on the "now what" part. The painful dance keeps playing over and over and they can't seem to get over, under or around it. To me, that is what hope is about.

Hope isn't a trite word... a ridiculous idealized version of reality. Hope doesn't substitute for the here and now. Hope doesn't undo the pain, or fix the problem. But (in a word) hope is fuel. Without hope, there is no motivation to try. No motivation to "show up" emotionally or otherwise.

Hope is the idea that things can be different. Not the guarantee that they will.

But what a powerful substance it is: hope.

In favor of hope,

What Is Marriage For?

"Dearly Beloved, we have gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Cindy and Paul*.... And now, the vows:

Paul: Cindy, I promise to feign interest in what you say while not really caring. I promise to be kind to our future children, but only be involved so long as you force the issue. I promise to only talk badly about you when you can't hear me. I promise to hold silent grudges for years at a time, only speaking my mind when I am so furiously angry that I can only scream hateful things. I promise to love you in "name" but not in deed.

Cindy: Paul, I promise to make passive-agressive remarks to you in front of our friends and family. I promise to ignore your sexual desires and needs until you give up. I promise to only keep some secrets. I promise to be bored by you and give up trying to connect. I promise to love you in "name" but not in deed."



********************************

Ouch, I hate even writing those words. They pain me. But I've got a point today and I'm going to make it directly: We care too much about the contract of marriage, and not enough about the heart of it.

In my work, I have seen people spend years and even decades in a loveless marriage. They gave up long ago. Their hearts have grown cold and the distance between them is infinite. Yet they ask me to: save their marriage. Translation- 'keep us from the shame, expense, and burden of divorce'.

And I have to say- "Are you even married now?" You look at your lifelong partner and lover, and only see cold distance. You are lonely in your own marriage. You fantasize about life apart. You burden your children and loved ones with the tension you've gotten used to. Is this the marriage you signed up for? Is this what you pictured on your wedding day?

It is time we stopped seeing a marriage as "saved" because two people remained legally married, and start seeing a "saved" marriage as a caring, loving, committed, trusting, connected partnership.

Ask yourself this: if my marriage stayed exactly as it is now for the rest of my life, would I be okay with that? And if your answer is "no!" then might I recommend you look into marriage enrichment now.... and not only when the piece of paper is on the line? Let's find the urgency and passion you once had for your marriage.

Life is so short... why not spend it with your best friend and partner?

ps- I'll be writing about "Can My Marriage Be Saved?"  next... stay tuned!