This morning I found it. A necklace I had lost almost three years ago. The crazy thing is, it was right under my nose the whole time.
I had been looking for a different necklace on my jewelry holder. This lead me to search a little deeper than I normally would and that was how it caught my eye: a tiny delicate diamond on a silver chain. It was snarled in a much larger clump and I almost missed it.
It used to be bright silver, and that’s how I knew it.
Showing posts with label priorities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label priorities. Show all posts
Tuesday
Monday
Our Best Kept Secret
 |
| by Toby |
Comments like this are typical for my teen clients. They openly discuss their mental health and therapy appointments. They exchange ideas and experiences during lunch. They even encourage one another to seek professional help when they are cutting themselves, depressed, anxious or suicidal.
Yes, times are changing and I am proud of how this young generation respects their mental health.
But there is a strange divide. For my clients who are only ten to fifteen years older, I am far more likely to hear
"This is so embarrassing"
My Children Are Ruined
Guys.
I'm ruining my children.
Forever.
RUINED.
It's summer. I am home part-time with my six-year-old and two-year-old.
Like a wonderful mom I have beensurfing Facebook and Pinterest ("working on my computer") while my children scream and destroy things (I mean, "play creatively") in the background. It isn't quite noon yet, and already I have a growing list in my mind. All the things. So many things. I am ruining my children. It is certain.
In case you're wondering how, let me form a short list of what I have messed up today alone:
-Children need unstructured play to develop creativity. Kids without lots of toys have it best. But I should maybe put some more thought into the activities I provide for them so they develop. Only if I care about them.
- Children need to be allowed freedom and autonomy in their play but I must be sure to engage with them so they are attached to me. Also I must watch them every second because they could drown or choke or impale themselves. But I shouldn't hover.
-Children who only spend time with their caregivers are more anxious and less flexible. They need to have exposure to others. But also if I let someone else care for my children, I am allowing strangers to raise them. Why did I bother having a child? Shame on me either way.
- On that note, I should be sure and model a happy and well-adjusted adulthood for them. But I need to make sure that doesn't detract from my unwavering focus on them. My needs are important but also not important if I love my child.
- Children need to be allowed to enjoy simple pleasures like popsicles, but only if they're homemade and refined sugar and allergen free. Unless its the ice cream truck and then why are am I denying them childhood nostalgia? I shouldn't control everything.
- Sibling fighting is totally normal, and will ruin them forever. So I must be sure to let them work it out themselves except I need to be teaching them how to do this through modeling and involvement.
- Screen time is ruining my children. I should simply send them out onto my plentiful acreage or my very safe street to play with the other children who aren't outside. Once again, see the rules about supervision. There are dangers lurking everywhere but I must let them explore if I want them to be functional adults.
- Lunch must be cute. Handmade. Free of dairy or gluten. Why can't I cut up fruits and veggies and arrange them beautifully? My kids would eat better if I only had knife skills.
- My house must be minimalist. With only creative-play wooden toys. But also, my children must learn computer proficiency and preferably know how to code by kindergarten. Do I want them to fall behind the times?
- A child's needs must be tended to. Always. This will make them a secure adult. Unless they are just crying because they are frustrated or needing to learn how to solve a problem. In which case I can stunt their development by rushing to save them all the time. Do I really want them to miss out on this learning?
- I should not raise my voice to express myself. But also I should not be fake. Authenticity is important in modeling and attachment. Unless I'm authentically losing my brains. Then that needs to be kept inside. I don't want to burden my children with my fakeness or my feelings.
... It is so serious. I have RUINED them. Before noon.
I know what to do. How about I visit a lovely supportive internet forum where moms talk about their mothering challenges? That should help....
(Original published on my Facebook page. If you enjoyed this, you should follow me there!)
I'm ruining my children.
Forever.
RUINED.
It's summer. I am home part-time with my six-year-old and two-year-old.
Like a wonderful mom I have been
In case you're wondering how, let me form a short list of what I have messed up today alone:
-Children need unstructured play to develop creativity. Kids without lots of toys have it best. But I should maybe put some more thought into the activities I provide for them so they develop. Only if I care about them.
- Children need to be allowed freedom and autonomy in their play but I must be sure to engage with them so they are attached to me. Also I must watch them every second because they could drown or choke or impale themselves. But I shouldn't hover.
-Children who only spend time with their caregivers are more anxious and less flexible. They need to have exposure to others. But also if I let someone else care for my children, I am allowing strangers to raise them. Why did I bother having a child? Shame on me either way.
- On that note, I should be sure and model a happy and well-adjusted adulthood for them. But I need to make sure that doesn't detract from my unwavering focus on them. My needs are important but also not important if I love my child.
- Children need to be allowed to enjoy simple pleasures like popsicles, but only if they're homemade and refined sugar and allergen free. Unless its the ice cream truck and then why are am I denying them childhood nostalgia? I shouldn't control everything.
- Sibling fighting is totally normal, and will ruin them forever. So I must be sure to let them work it out themselves except I need to be teaching them how to do this through modeling and involvement.
- Screen time is ruining my children. I should simply send them out onto my plentiful acreage or my very safe street to play with the other children who aren't outside. Once again, see the rules about supervision. There are dangers lurking everywhere but I must let them explore if I want them to be functional adults.
- Lunch must be cute. Handmade. Free of dairy or gluten. Why can't I cut up fruits and veggies and arrange them beautifully? My kids would eat better if I only had knife skills.
- My house must be minimalist. With only creative-play wooden toys. But also, my children must learn computer proficiency and preferably know how to code by kindergarten. Do I want them to fall behind the times?
- A child's needs must be tended to. Always. This will make them a secure adult. Unless they are just crying because they are frustrated or needing to learn how to solve a problem. In which case I can stunt their development by rushing to save them all the time. Do I really want them to miss out on this learning?
- I should not raise my voice to express myself. But also I should not be fake. Authenticity is important in modeling and attachment. Unless I'm authentically losing my brains. Then that needs to be kept inside. I don't want to burden my children with my fakeness or my feelings.
... It is so serious. I have RUINED them. Before noon.
I know what to do. How about I visit a lovely supportive internet forum where moms talk about their mothering challenges? That should help....
(Original published on my Facebook page. If you enjoyed this, you should follow me there!)
Friday
Five Easy Ways I Keep It Spicy- and you can too!
I figured in light of the weekend, this particular Blog Prompt was timely:
This helps in two ways: One, the novelty centers of your brain respond when you are in new settings. This means you are feeling happier and more open to new ideas. When something is new- it signals to your brain: "Okay, pay attention. You're not used to doing this." And you become more flexible, creative, imaginative, and adaptive. All great things when you're trying to bond with your sweetie. That's why vacations are such great bonding times.
Two, it can allow you to see your spouse in a different light. After years (decades) of doing more or less the same, seeing your spouse doing something DIFFERENT can really help add a sense of freshness and novelty. You just might learn something new about each other- and a new reason to have the hots for one another.
5. Do Something Your Spouse Is Good At!
Let's face it, confidence is SEXY. So is competence (and they tend to go hand in hand). So put yourself in the position to see each other at your best. This could be a sport, a hobby, or even work-related function. But by seeing each other at your best, it not only gives your spouse a chance to show off (and feel good about themselves) but it shows that you take an interest in what is important to them. And let's face it, feeling good about your skills and your spouse's interest in you... Now that's an aphrodisiac!
Wishing you a sexy weekend with your honey!
How Do You Keep The Romance Alive With Your Spouse? (for more info, click here)
Okay, let me start with a True Confession: my life is not glamorous. In case there was any doubt: I write this in sweats. My toddler made sure I did not shower today. My background inspirational noise? The Wonder Pets ("What's gonna work? Team work!")
Why do I tell you this? Because I want you to know that in addition to a fancy-pants "Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist" I am also a REAL person. It isn't like my husband and I get to jet off to Vegas for the weekend on a lark. Heck, we don't even get to eat dinner out without childcare plans. So I get it. I get how marriage could lose a spark. It's easy to do.
That said, I work with couples on helping keep their marriages lively and meaningful. And I've got some ideas. These things work in my marriage, in my clients' marriages, and I think they can work in yours too:
1. Go On Dates.
I know, this might sound completely obvious. But a recent study showed that as many as 60% of married women did not go on date nights with their spouse! While this study might not be scientific, if it's even close to accurate- that scares me. So if you're in that 60%, let me explain why I think date nights are extremely important: The day to day of marriage, maintaining a home, balancing a budget, caring for children, focusing on a career: means that there is a LOT of opportunity for neutral or even negative daily interaction. It takes a conscious effort to make sure that there are positive interactions to balance that out- and help your relationship go the distance.
Similarly, its easy to forget that in addition to all the hats you wear- you are a woman and a lover too. (I know, I said "lover". It's a semi-gross word. However, it's also a TRUE one!) Take it from the woman in sweats- showering, makeup, doing your hair, wearing an outfit that's too sexy for the office or the playgroup, putting on insensible shoes..... these things are important to keep your libido going. Which leads me to my next point.
2. Have sex.
Again, depending on how you're doing- this is either completely obvious to you, or you are cringing and wanting to skip it. But please hear me out! Relationship expert Michele Weiner-Davis writes in her book "Sex Starved Marriage" about this important topic. She offers the controversial opinion (supported by research and brilliant minds) that barring medical issues: having a good sex life is a choice. "Use it or lose it", that's my motto. So while no one is expecting porn-star status from you, it's important to remember that your sexuality was an important part of your courtship and early marriage. And *gulp* it still should be. (*Ducking to avoid laptops being thrown at my head!*)
3. Fight!
What? huh? Did she really say that!? Yup. I did. When I see couples, I would rather have a couple come in my office in a SCREAMING match than completely silent. Not because I enjoy screaming matches (they make my blood pressure rise just like anyone else). But because there is CARING behind it. As long as there is fighting, there is passion behind ideas. There is a belief that your words matter. There is emotion behind your interactions.
This doesn't mean you need to have a dirty-take-no-prisoners-fight. It could be a sparring match. It could be cracking jokes on each other. It could even be playing competitive games on opposite sides. But going head to head can help clear the air... and reignite your passions.
4. Do Something Different!
The worst enemy of love is not hate; its boredom. So I recommend you do something different. Eat in a different location of the house. Switch roles for a day and do each other's "chores". Turn off the TV if it's always on. Try a new board game. Go to a new kind of activity (a comedy club? A sporting event? A concert?) It can be ridiculous, that doesn't matter. Just as long as it's different.
Two, it can allow you to see your spouse in a different light. After years (decades) of doing more or less the same, seeing your spouse doing something DIFFERENT can really help add a sense of freshness and novelty. You just might learn something new about each other- and a new reason to have the hots for one another.
5. Do Something Your Spouse Is Good At!
Let's face it, confidence is SEXY. So is competence (and they tend to go hand in hand). So put yourself in the position to see each other at your best. This could be a sport, a hobby, or even work-related function. But by seeing each other at your best, it not only gives your spouse a chance to show off (and feel good about themselves) but it shows that you take an interest in what is important to them. And let's face it, feeling good about your skills and your spouse's interest in you... Now that's an aphrodisiac!
Wishing you a sexy weekend with your honey!
Monday
Fostering Healthy Attachment
Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
- Ruth Hulbert Hamilton
Its obvious: modern parenthood is not for sissies. The demands are mounting. I believe this is especially true for most moms, as they find themselves caught between historic expectations (the sole care for home and children) and new ones (wage earner, provider). Add suburban sprawl (extra driving), extra-curriculars and sports' schedules and its no wonder that moms (and dads) find themselves over-scheduled. And of course, amidst all the activity, parents are supposed to be sure their children are intellectually and emotionally nourished.
But research is now showing that old-fashioned wisdom (once again) turns out to be true. A child's emotional well-being and even scholastic aptitude can be predicted (to an extent) by the quality of their emotional attachment to caregivers.
Before you panic, here's the good news: good attachment can be fostered while you run through your day! Rather than being something to add to your growing "to do" list, it is something that can add meaning to the daily living you do now. Rather than any one set of responsibilities, attachment is a foundation for interaction. Which is to say: You can start fostering a healthy attachment with your child RIGHT NOW, while still running like mad!
The truth is, we all need attachment (or connection) with our loved ones. Parents' cups' run low too. A little love and connection can go a long way toward shoring up our motivation to keep going. Sometimes we just don't know how to give or get it.
So, to help your creative juices flow, I've created
Ways To Foster Healthy Attachment In Daily Life
Infants-
Hopefully this has gotten your creative juices flowing. In future articles, I'll be sure to discuss How To Foster Healthy Attachment Through Discipline. But for now, enjoy those little ones. Unfortunately, they "don't keep".
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.
Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.
Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo
The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.
The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.
- Ruth Hulbert Hamilton
Its obvious: modern parenthood is not for sissies. The demands are mounting. I believe this is especially true for most moms, as they find themselves caught between historic expectations (the sole care for home and children) and new ones (wage earner, provider). Add suburban sprawl (extra driving), extra-curriculars and sports' schedules and its no wonder that moms (and dads) find themselves over-scheduled. And of course, amidst all the activity, parents are supposed to be sure their children are intellectually and emotionally nourished.
But research is now showing that old-fashioned wisdom (once again) turns out to be true. A child's emotional well-being and even scholastic aptitude can be predicted (to an extent) by the quality of their emotional attachment to caregivers.
Before you panic, here's the good news: good attachment can be fostered while you run through your day! Rather than being something to add to your growing "to do" list, it is something that can add meaning to the daily living you do now. Rather than any one set of responsibilities, attachment is a foundation for interaction. Which is to say: You can start fostering a healthy attachment with your child RIGHT NOW, while still running like mad!
The truth is, we all need attachment (or connection) with our loved ones. Parents' cups' run low too. A little love and connection can go a long way toward shoring up our motivation to keep going. Sometimes we just don't know how to give or get it.
So, to help your creative juices flow, I've created
Ways To Foster Healthy Attachment In Daily Life
Infants-
- Babywearing while on the go
- Eye contact with baby while waiting in line
- Mimic faces and sounds back and forth
- Singing (especially with hand motions)
- Rocking to sleep
- Holding baby close so s/he can smell and hear your voice
- Describe what you're doing and where you're going while driving
- Any of the "infant" ideas, plus:
- Try counting things to your toddler as you walk by it (an excuse for interaction)
- Describe what you see your toddler doing (it makes them feel important to you)
- Prepare your toddler for what will happen next and where you're going (when running errands for instance). It helps them feel calm and lets them feel secure (no surprises!)
- Repeated rituals are very important to toddlers and let them feel secure with you. Singing the same song while diaper changing or waking up, and saying goodnight to all stuffed animals are good examples.
- When waiting in line, try naming things for them, and letting them have a try. Congratulate any efforts!
- Any "toddler" ideas, plus:
- When picking up from school or activities, ask them about their day. If they need direction, try "hi/lo"- where they get to tell their "high" and their "low" for the day. Show you're listening by reflecting their feelings, "It sounds like that hurt your feelings." or "Wow, you sound like you felt special when she did that!"
- Attend activities where they get to "shine" (sports, school plays etc...) Make an effort to make a big deal about their participation (regardless of winning/losing). Bring flowers, take out for ice cream- anything to make them feel "special" for their effort.
- For chores, create a "chore chart" where they get a sticker or smiley for their day's effort. It affirms that you see them and their efforts are noticed and appreciated!
- Give them chances to practice what they're learning in school. The car is a great place for this- sing the ABCs, work on addition/multiplication tables. Big congratulations for things they learn!
- Take the time to answer the incessant "why?" questions. Not only does it help their brains grow, but it often is an excuse to interact with you when they don't know how else to get your attention.
- If you struggle with your child interrupting, create a "signal" that shows that you heard them, and will get back to them quickly (like a finger in the air). Discuss it ahead of time. This helps them know that they have been heard, and helps them work on patience. Congratulate ANY patience they show while waiting!
- Bedtime is a great time for special routines that you share. Its also a great time to talk about tomorrow- and what will be happening. Again, this is an excuse to interact with your child- but it also helps them to develop a sense of security and permanence because they know what is coming!
- Take turns making up a story while waiting or driving. For instance, you start with "Once upon a time there was a dragon...." Let your child fill in the next sentence or two, and then you add to the story. Let the story get as silly as the child likes!
Hopefully this has gotten your creative juices flowing. In future articles, I'll be sure to discuss How To Foster Healthy Attachment Through Discipline. But for now, enjoy those little ones. Unfortunately, they "don't keep".
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