Why Holidays Can Suck

When Someone You Love Has Awful Politics

As a therapist
I’ve seen eyes roll.
Arms crossed.
Yelling.
Personal attacks.
Paint-melting rage.
I’ve even seen a checkbook thrown across the room.

And none of this compares to what I have seen this election season.

Tarnished

This morning I found it. A necklace I had lost almost three years ago. The crazy thing is, it was right under my nose the whole time.

I had been looking for a different necklace on my jewelry holder. This lead me to search a little deeper than I normally would and that was how it caught my eye: a tiny delicate diamond on a silver chain. It was snarled in a much larger clump and I almost missed it.

It used to be bright silver, and that’s how I knew it.

Save Your Relationships in a Split Second

If you live with someone long enough... they have screwed you over. 
It's unavoidable. Sharing life with another person means they hurt you, disappoint you, fail you or otherwise let you down. Yes, even "perfect marriages." Yes, even "best friends". Yes, even family members you adore.
And each day, there is that MOMENT. There is a moment where you have a split second to choose. The split second comes and goes before you can blink. But trust me, it's there. I live for those split-seconds in sessions with my clients.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll tell you how to identify it.
It's the moment after the hurt, before the blame.
The moment after the pain, before the anger.
The moment when you feel the ache, and before you lash out.

It's the moment you are reminded of the way they let you down, no matter how long ago, but before you act.

THIS IS YOUR MOMENT.

Breathe. Pause. Blink for crying out loud! Take another breath.

Then watch this video.

Then take another breath. Because, oh man, does this part sting at first.

Hit pause. Now go back. Remember the love you share. Then remember some good moments. Then remember their own broken internal spaces. Remind yourself of their humanness. That they were born into the world as a tiny human (just like you) and they're only trying to figure this out (just like you).

Now hit play. Proceed from this space. Say what you need to. Express what you need to. Take care of yourself.

But for the sake of love, do it from this space. You got this.

How Our Isolation Is Affecting Our Teens

Once upon a time, teens were warriors. I already wrote about that here and here. So let me try a different story. A sequel you could say.

Once upon a time, teens were expected to be productive. With a short life expectancy, and fertility approaching, teens were recognized as old enough to contribute. After all, they were strong, full of energy and passion, virile and idealistic. That's quite a force of nature packed into a young body.

They were meant to push away from the home life they have always known. They were programmed to do it for the advancement of humanity. After all, teens who rest on their laurels don't really ensure species survival. Right? (Read more about this in the excellent book by Dr. Siegel: Brainstorm)

This means that (I believe) every teen's parent has probably experienced this similar thing since the dawn of time- this painful, forceful separation as the teen experiments with emerging separate identity. It is normal (read: "What It's Like Parenting Teens and Tweens"). And you (as a parent) are in good company.

You know who isn't in good company? Your teen.

Because once upon a time there was a village of elders. There were apprenticeships of all kinds (formal and informal). Whether you were learning to be a mother, or a soldier, or a woodworker, or a shaman, you had someone older than you to guide you in that effort. Someone who likely knew your family. Someone who likely knew the teen since they were born. Someone who had a good idea of your family and tribal values, your culture and belief system. Someone who (likely without thinking much about it) ushered them across the threshold from childhood into adulthood. What a brilliant idea!

And (due to that pesky biological programming) it couldn't be their parent. The parent had their childhood, but someone else was the field guide who put the learning into practice. Any basic study of anthropology will tell you that most cultures had very sacred practices around this "emerging adulthood" idea. Coming-of-age ceremonies and excursions have been a part of the fabric of almost every people-group.

And then there's us. Our teens are in school and won't expect to begin learning about their chosen field until at least age 18 (often later). They are not surrounded by trustworthy elders, but by fellow peers. Just as lost as they are. Instead of building a civilization or stretching their muscles, they are told to sit and listen in a fluorescent-lit classroom and then sit and do homework later (which I think contributes to school shootings, but I digress.) And while I get the importance of formal education (obviously!) I also think it is worth asking ourselves what we ought to preserve from our heritage.




This is where I love my job. When I work with teens, I get to be a *small* part of repairing what was lost. I get to be a stand-in for that "village elder"- an adult who can be trusted by parents, but one who belongs to the teen alone. An adult who can be there for the duration- their threshold of adulthood. One who knows the values of their family. One who respects the teens emerging separate identity enough to encourage it.

I often have parents in my office who are playfully exasperated because they've "said that to their teen a million times" before I did! Why does their teen listen to me? And I have to smile and remind them that I have a fundamental advantage. They are not programmed to push away from me. They are programmed to hear me! 

It is a role I feel privileged to play. The guide along an important path. The confidante. Support system. Cheerleader. Clear-eyed adult (who is not their parent, lucky me!)

If your teen doesn't have an adult they trust, consider how you might foster that. There are so many options in coaches, teachers, pastors, relatives, and even therapists. By building a village for your teen, the pressure is off! By intentionally creating a community of truth-tellers and advocates, you have created a web of support for you and your teen. When they push away from you, they have the arms of someone else to run to. Someone you can trust. Whew!

Wishing you support, community and a good sense of humor. Solidarity parents-of-teens!

How To Stop School Shootings

Image credit here

Well I'm going to venture into gray area today: school shootings

And you know what's sad? I can write this today and know with certainty it will become timely again and again.

And while politicians and talking heads will yell at one another about this issue, I have my own take on it. As a mother and therapist to families and adolescents. I have my own perspective on what is happening here.

We have a mental health crisis in the country. We are failing ourselves and our young people.

Let me lay this out for you. Your brain is an organ. 
Your organs are biological.
They are susceptible to disease.
They are injured by trauma.
They are affected by your health.

Your brain (the thing that runs your decisions, your feelings, your moods, your actions) is a flesh and blood organ that is made better or worse by your life choices. Just like your heart.

Here's the difference. If your heart stops beating it only hurts you and those you love. If your brain stops working you can become deadly.

In my professional opinion- this is not about video games. It is not about a justified rage. It is not about bullying. It is about mental illness. Pure and simple. How do I know?
- Do you watch movies or play games with violent actions in them?
- Do you feel rejected by others sometimes?
- Did you ever feel bullied or unliked by peers?
- Are people ever mean to you?
- Do you write manifestos and go on killing sprees?

See my point?

We have a mental health epidemic. We prescribe more and more psychotropic medication every year. Last statistic I read placed parents at about 1/5 that are currently on some form of mood medication. We are not well. And we are raising our kids to be unwell.

If I had a magic wand here's what I would do.
1. Move back school start times to 9:30 am for adolescents (read latest research on how circadian rhythyms and sleep deprivation affect adolescents. It is frightening). This is proven to lower the incidence of depression and school dropouts significantly within one year's time.
2. Create health classes in school that educate young people on the following:
     How sleep affects your body
     How technology affects your body
     How light exposure affects mood and circadian rhythms
     How nutrition affects the brain
    What are the warning signs of depression, anxiety and psychosis?
3. Staff every high school with mental health professionals. (I'm not talking about guidance counselors. I am talking about licensed mental health providers who have constant access to kids.) Give them the authority to
     Screen every kid every year for mental health issues
     Jointly work with the teen's family support to address mental health issues.
     See a teen regularly who is going through mental health issues.
     Pull any child at any time that they feel is in crisis, without academic repercussions.
     Make referrals and fast-track kids they feel are in crisis
4. Only give a teen antidepressants if they will see a mental health provider at least 2x a week for at least 8 weeks following the new prescription. (Read up on antidepressant use in teens and its ridiculously high rate of suicide and manic behavior. Teen bodies don't respond like adults do).
5. Structure school activities so that teens see sunlight before noon every day to regulate their circadian rhythms and lower incidence of mood disorders.
6. Structure school activities so that teens are moving their bodies every day, outdoors if possible for the same reason.

I would be willing to bet that if a school were willing and able to make these changes, their risk of a school shooting from a student would be almost nil.

We are unwell. We are not addressing our unwellness.

We think adolescents are meant to be depressed, exhausted, and unwell. This is NOT TRUE. Research proves that it is not true.

We accept sickness because we don't know what health looks like. 

And we accept sickness because we have removed power from anyone who knows how to diagnose a mental health crisis.

I could see a person in my office, be certain that they are danger to themselves or society, but if they are not an imminent threat with an identifiable target... I have no power. Zero. Nothing can be done. They will go back out into the world without a tether. And when they finally do act out, there will be people looking to cast blame. But where can it rest? There is no one to speak for the mentally ill. We have erred on the side of their autonomy because we don't want to make the mistakes of our past. But is this better? The mentally ill make up the majority of our homeless population. The mass shootings are done by the mentally ill. Is this better?

I don't believe it is.

The truth is, this can be changed. But this isn't sexy. It doesn't sound good in clips. It isn't going to be yelled by a talking head. So the necessary changes are ignored.

We have advocates for heart health and against the obesity epidemic. And that's important. Please don't misunderstand me. But if your heart fails or you are overweight- you hurt only yourself and those who love you. Mental illness affects us all. But we are silent about it. That has to change.






PS- If you're new here, I'm a therapist in Roseville, CA
PPS- If you liked this post about teens, try this one.
PPPS- If you like posts about technology and mental health try this one or this one.

My Theory Of Everything (Motherhood)

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time, women learned about the ancient traditions of motherhood through experience. The age gap between mother and child was short: generations were compact. Extended families dwelled together, weaving mother and child, niece and cousin, until a tapestry of women all coexisted along the life span.

There were no retirement communities, no preschools. Babies bounced on old knees. Aunts were both sisters and mothers. To look from the outside, one would not easily know the dividing lines between each family. Who belonged to whom? They all belonged to each other.

By the time a girl became a woman, and then a mother, she had all the benefit of this multi-generational school of life. Since the time she was born, she had seen people pregnant, give birth, raise children, grow old and die. The lifespan was a continuum on display at every moment. Life, and its traditions, were mapped out in living color.

When her time came to give birth, she would do so in the manner of her people. She would know every part of this rite of passage- having witnessed it countless times. She would be surrounded by her fellow women, each one having experience, wisdom, and strength to share.

Her baby would be no mystery to her, having cared for her siblings, nieces, nephews and cousins her entire life. What to do when baby cries? How to feed baby? How to hold baby? How to get baby to sleep?... she would have learned by watching and doing. She would have learned at the feet of the eldest woman of her family. She would have learned by tradition.

…. Times have changed. In many ways, they have changed for the better. Modern medicine, institutions of education, women’s equality, birth control… all these things have meant dramatic change for the lifespan of a woman.

No longer do we share our daily lives with our elders, learning from their wisdom. Modern medicine has meant that the elderly live much longer- but they do so in separation. And when they die, they die without grandchildren at their feet.

We benefit from schools. Widespread literacy is a wonderful accomplishment. It has meant equality and opportunity like the world has never before seen. But it also means we do not learn at the side of our mothers. We do not take in their instruction through observation.

Women now get a choice over their life’s path. They can delay parenthood, or avoid it altogether. They can pursue any goal they choose. This also means that when a woman chooses to be a mom her mother is often older; and her friends in a different life stage.

No longer do we share our homes. We move cross-country. We work sun up to sun down. We go to organized events. We park and close our garages. Our children play behind fences.

Some changes are for the better. Some are not.

What does this mean?

When a woman chooses to become a parent, she suddenly realizes what is missing. Classes, and doctor visits, and books, and websites must suddenly make up for a lifetime of lost learning. Childbirth educators, obstetricians, doulas, lactation consultants, pediatricians… all struggle to fill in the gap. The missing tradition. The missing roots. The missing support. The missing narrative. The missing mothering.

And while there is a plethora of information out there, there is an absence of connection. It feels like a generation of women flying “solo”, flying blind.

For you see, even if you are lucky enough to replace the “tribe” from above with one of your own making (through friendships)… you will soon learn that there are many dividing lines now. Natural birth or medicated? Breast or bottle? Co-sleeping or crib? Cry-it-out or attachment-parenting? Ferber or Sears? Stroller or Ergo? Preschool or homeschool or unschool? Work-outside-the-home or stay-at-home? The list is endless.

…And we fight, and we pick labels, and we blame, and we polarize ….

… And we substitute judgment and righteous indignation for inner knowing…

Because what we’re trying to capture here, what we’re desperately seeking: is the wisdom of generations. The wisdom of a wise grandma with a wink. The wisdom of sisters, aunts, mothers and friends who will wipe your brow and whisper “You can do this, you have the strength of a million women behind you”.

So I want to say, whether you know it or not, whether you feel it or not: 

You have the strength of a million women behind you.

Find the women in your life who will tell you that. Cling to them. Forget the rest.

Photo Credit: B℮n via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: lifeography® via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: Quique Mañas via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: Matilde B. via Compfight cc

You Are What You Marinate In

Let's pretend I am a normal person and not a "therapist" for a moment. It will make this easier to admit.

There are days I think angry or unkind thoughts about my husband.

It usually happens when I'm feeling overwhelmed at the sheer enormity of the task before me... and then I trip over something he (unknowingly) left in my path. He doesn't even have to be there, but in that moment, the emotional force of all of my frustration finds a bulls-eye! I go from stressed-out mommy to "innocent and unappreciated" martyr in the span of 5 seconds.


It's not pretty. In fact, it's entirely petty and childish and mean-spirited. I guess I should be thankful it all happened in my head, huh?

Oh yes, you know "the look"

But here's the thing: regardless of whether or not anyone knows the depths of my thoughts, they will still change how I feel and interact with my husband later that day. I might be completely "over" the latest annoyance... and yet as soon as he walks in the door and does *that thing that makes me crazy*, I'm a lot less likely to chalk it up to a cute character quirk.

I like to make up terms. In this case, I call it a "Love Buffer". You see, when I spend all day marinating in angry, resentful, hateful thoughts... it depletes my love buffer. Suddenly my capacity for patience and understanding is drained. Things that might have been a "2" on a 10-point scale are now an "8". Suddenly, I'm fighting over something that doesn't truly matter to me. And the craziest part is... I might not even realize that my current fight is being influenced by my earlier private martyrdom.

But I've come to realize: I am what I marinate in.
-when I marinate in resentment all day, I eventually become resentful.
-when I marinate in hateful thoughts all day, I eventually become hateful.
-when I marinate in bitter musings all day, I eventually become bitter.

So does this mean I ought to suppress any momentary irritation with my spouse? Pretend he's perfect in my mind and expect that to solve everything? Hardly! But it does mean that once I've communicated my frustration to him, and we've worked it out, it's my job to make sure I'm redepositing back into my Love Buffer.

How? I marinate in the good with as much relish as I did the bad. By searching my memory banks for the recent kind and considerate things he did. By making mental lists of 3 things I truly love about him. By re-playing special moments in my mind: our first kiss, our wedding day, the birth of our son.

In other words, by doing what newlyweds do naturally: marinating in the love so that I have enough buffer to endure the bad. Because after all, I am what I marinate in.

Wishing you a squishy marinade full of love,

What I'll Be Doing This Memorial Day (AKA A Love Letter To Veterans)

I (like many of you) grew up thinking that memorial day was a day of BBQ and swimming. It was a day to enjoy some grilled corn on the cob, and good friends. Oh yeah, and it was a day my veteran father put a flag out on the front of our house.

As an adult (and a therapist who has had the privilege to work with some fine combat veterans) I realize that memorial day is so much more. For me, it's an exercise in gratitude and patriotism. Its a day to "remember the fallen." For for my combat veteran clients- "the fallen" have a face, a name, and a family. It's a day for me to bring out my flag. For my combat veteran clients- that flag was protected with the lives of their friends.

And so will I BBQ on memorial day? Absolutely. Will I enjoy good food and good friends? You bet! But I will also be taking my son to a local memorial service at a cemetery in the morning. I expect it to be rather difficult (with a toddler) and not a great deal of fun in the traditional sense. But I want my son to know: his freedom came at a high price. 

I live in peace with my family. I live without fear because countless strangers (men and women with their own families) gave their life for it. And so, I want to say thank you. "Thank you" noble and dear veterans. Your service and sacrifice makes my cushy life possible. My gratitude seems like a small return on your investment... but I offer it wholeheartedly.

With Gratitude and Respect,

When Your Loved Ones Care TOO Much

Someone lamented: "Why can't my family and friends just love me without trying to change me?"

Good question. My answer: "Because they can't."

Oh sure, acceptance is important for love. And it's a form of acceptance to leave loved ones "as-is". Surely, none of us enjoys being "the project". But that said, when your loved one is suffering it is natural to want to make it better. Why? Because their suffering causes us suffering. That's the beauty (and the ugliness) of being in a loving relationship with someone: We want them to get better so we can ALL be better, because their pain gives us pain.

In other words (I'm sorry to say) loved ones have an agenda when it comes to your emotional pain.

This is where the "magic" of therapy enters. A therapist is someone who cares for you and your pain... who is trained to help you find solutions and health. At the same time, a therapist doesn't share your personal life. They don't suffer at the hands of your pain. If you lie awake at night full of anxiety- a therapist cares, but will not be losing sleep next to you. If you refuse to leave the house because you are awash in depression- a therapist cares, but will not be house-bound with you. If you find yourself getting angered too easily with loved ones- a therapist cares, but will not be the one getting yelled at day after day. If your sex life is suffering because of your poor body image- a therapist cares, but... you get the idea.

A trained professional who cares, but who is not personally harmed by your suffering is a valuable tool in the process of growth. They are able to see with clearer vision.  

It's not that the "agenda" of your loved ones is bad. It's just that it's unhelpful. Let me give you an example:

Grief is a process that is non-linear. It doesn't follow a prescriptive pattern. It is messy, it is longer than anyone wants it to be. Rarely do you hear a grieving person say "Wow, that was fast! I feel all better now!" Not only is grief long-lasting, but it is pervasive. It affects all aspects of your life. It makes you withdrawn, prone to anger, prone to depression, unfocused... the list goes on. A loved one who is affected by your grief will want you to *snap out of it*... and quickly. They want "you" back- the person they love. The sooner, the better. And that says nothing of their own grief (since loved ones frequently share losses).

But in this case, rushing grief is not only unhelpful- it is harmful. Rushing the grieving process is akin to prematurely shutting it down. Unfinished grief doesn't disappear- it causes harm to the person harboring it (depression, anger, anxiety, insomnia etc...) In this case, an "uninvolved" party who cares- is the exact person you need. Someone involved enough to listen, to care, to point out areas that need attention... while not "needing" your wellness.

Many clients experience my office as something of a "relief". It's as if they exhale for the first time when they walk in my door. A whole session hour- just for them. No one needing anything for themselves. No agenda on my part. Just a space and time where they can work through their stuff at their own pace. 

What a gift!

So if you are one of those people suffering, and thinking: "I don't need therapy, I have family and friends" please keep this in mind. If you find that loved ones are not helpful any longer... or you're feeling "stuck" longer than you want to be- it just might be a case of "loved ones' agendas". The good news is: their agenda is based on love. The bad news: it can get in the way of your needs. This is the magic, and the gift of therapy. Why not give it a try? There is nothing to lose.

Wishing you a space and time of your very own,

When I Need To Kick A Little Butt

I have a good luck charm.

Okay, don't laugh at me. I realize that this might sound ridiculous. And for the record... I don't really believe it brings me good luck in the traditional sense. But this one article is my "go-to" whenever I need to remember that I'm a part of something bigger than myself. Whenever I need to remember that I have a cheering section behind me. Whenever I need a little extra feisty edge.

Are you ready? Here it is:

 

In case you can't see it (let's face it, my photography isn't particularly stunning). Its a small gold necklace with the letter "M" in fancy script on the front. The "M" stands for Marie: my grandmother's name, my great-grandmother's name, and my middle name. This necklace has been around for at least 100 years, and I get to have it for no good reason- except the name I was given at birth. How cool for me? (Sorry, Sis!)

My grandmother who wore this necklace was a feisty wartime bride who lived out most of her young motherhood in foreign countries where she didn't speak the language or know a soul. And she did it while never forgetting her lipstick or her pearls I'm certain. Now, don't go feeling sorry for her. She wouldn't appreciate it. Marie was a strong individual (who was an acquired taste) that would judge our presidents by their first lady (I like to think of it as feminist of her).

She once walked up to a stranger with a Washington DC license plate which read: "Taxation Without Representation" and said to him: "I don't think you all should have the vote. You have the nicest and cleanest streets already."

I mean really, what do you say to that?

She believed children were to be seen and not heard (that included her own grandchildren). And she also wore Estee Lauder faithfully every day of her life. When she died, there were TUBS of the stuff in her refrigerator. Why she bought in such bulk, I don't know. But that was her in an nutshell: expensive face cream bought in bulk, gold jewelry and fancy hair with a simple button-down collared shirt. She was quite a lady.

And so, when I need to remember that her blood runs through my veins, I wear this necklace. (Oh okay, and sometimes I wear it because it matches my outfit.) But I always think about her when I put it on: my namesake.

And mostly what I contemplate (for half a second while getting ready, because, really: moms don't have a lot of prettifying time) is that part of growing up is looking at your ancestry with all their flaws. Really knowing their warts and seeing them for what they are... and then loving the good of them, and honoring it in yourself.

And then I stop being so deep, and look at the clock, and realize I'm running late for the office again.

Wishing you roots that run deep,

Krysta

A Creeping Spice...

After my latest post on marriage, I received a ton of feedback (thanks!) I also received a question from a reader which basically asked:

"These tips are good, but how do you keep a longer marriage going strong?"

.... "Hmmmm", I needed to think on that one.

It's not that I was short on ideas. I'm actually full of those. (After all, it's what I do all day!) But I wanted to think about long-term marriages, and what makes them different. After all, romance is romance... so I'm pretty sure any "romantic tips" would work for any aged couple. The difference I see, however, is that longer-term marriage requires more intentional investment to keep romance alive. So although these ideas will really work for anyone that wants to be creative in their marriage, I chose them for my longer marriages because they are intentional.

5 Ways To Keep A Longer Marriage "En Fuego"!


1. Remind yourself of the reason you fell in love.

Okay, true confession time: I am "Type-A". My husband is not. When we first fell in love, it was because of this fact. His laid-back style perfectly complimented my high energy. In that first haze of young love, he mellowed me out.

.... but guess what? (You already see this coming, don't you?) It is the single-handed biggest source of our married-couple fights. When I have to remind him "just one more time"... and he's getting nagged "yet again"... it's easy to entirely forget that these same traits used to be cute! So my direct advice on this: If your spouse has a trait that is driving you bonkers lately, think back to a time when you found it endearing (yes, there was at time!) It might not make the annoyance go away, but it will help you keep it in perspective.


2. Make love a game.

I am afraid to write this, because my husband (supportive guy that he is) is going to read it. And now he'll know my little secret. From time to time, I issue challenges to myself. (I realize this sounds weird, but wait!) The purpose of jumping these mental hoops is to shake things up in a positive way. Therefore, in a nutshell, the challenge is to do something secretly that will make your spouse happy.

Example- I'll say to myself: "This week I'm going to say something nice to him (unsolicited) every day." or "This week I will only be allowed to nag him once a day" (because lets be honest, it's going to happen!). Other ideas could include: doing a dreaded chore for your spouse, giving hugs and backrubs without sexual agendas, taking the kids off their hands (if they are the usual child-care providers), cooking a favorite meal each night, saying "I love you" every day before work... and so on.

The sky's the limit and creativity is a plus! It's especially rewarding to utilize #3 when doing this.

3. Remember their Love Language.

Gary Chapman wrote a book called "The 5 Love Languages" that is a must-read for every single married person (or parent). It's easy to understand and practical, and it's principles will change your relationship over night. (How many books can say that! And no, I don't know Gary or get any kickback from this! :) )

In an nutshell, everyone gives and receives love differently. (Duh). In this case: physical touch, gifts, acts of service, quality time, or verbal affirmation. The problems arise because we give love to others in the same way we feel loved. While we spend our time picking out the perfect birthday gift ("gifts"), they just wish you would take them somewhere and hang out ("quality time"). Or while we're constantly giving hugs and kisses (physical touch), they're wishing we would just help around the house ("service"). You get the idea.We hear love better when its spoken in our language!

So next time you feel like doing something nice for your sweetie, why not stop and consider their love language? You'll get more bang for your buck if you do!


4. Have sex.

If you read my other article, you're thinking: "Give it a REST, Krysta." But in longer relationships, I see this as sorely underrated. This doesn't mean you need to have sex as often as you once did (although, that would be great too!) It doesn't mean you have to be as flexible or athletic as you once were (ha. I'm teasing you.) But it does mean that nothing says "romantic partnership" quite as well as the classics. 

And if that doesn't motivate you, consider this: when your spouse said "I do".. .they also signed up for a lifetime of only getting to have sex with YOU. Their sexual needs, gratification, identity, feelings of sexiness- come almost entirely from you. That's an awesome responsibility. One I recommend that married couples don't take lightly. Think about it: sex is totally unique in that way. We can receive compliments from others. Others can remind us of our intelligence, charisma, talent and so on. But our sexual identities remain (mostly) hidden from the outside world and reserved only for each other. What an honor and rare connection. I think we could all do better if we cherished that a little more.

5. Re-meet your spouse.
A recent article I read proved that married couples were more likely to guess their spouses perspective wrong, than a perfect stranger! Why is that? Because after all these years together, we get used to thinking we know all about each other. And we disregard any evidence to the contrary. Think about it, we've got each other so pegged- that we figure we can throw away the file. No need to add anything new to it.

But consider this: when you run into an old friend (think high school, college) are you ever amazed at how they've changed? Amazed at what they've made of themselves? Or how they've become so much more: open minded, grounded, creative, ambitious, or conventional than you would have guessed? If so, then I recommend you give your spouse the same chance to wow you.

Next time you're out, try pretending you don't know everything about your spouse (hey, this could fulfill #2!) Try asking them questions like you would at a cocktail party- about their day, their job, their interests.... You might be surprised to find there are things still left to know. And in the process, your spouse will feel cared for. That's a win/win in my book.

Feel free to comment on ways you keep YOUR marriage spicy. I'm always looking for new ones!

Wishing you a sprinkle of Tabasco in your marriage!

Five Easy Ways I Keep It Spicy- and you can too!

I figured in light of the weekend, this particular Blog Prompt was timely:

How Do You Keep The Romance Alive With Your Spouse? (for more info, click here)

Okay, let me start with a True Confession: my life is not glamorous. In case there was any doubt: I write this in sweats. My toddler made sure I did not shower today. My background inspirational noise? The Wonder Pets ("What's gonna work? Team work!")

Why do I tell you this? Because I want you to know that in addition to a fancy-pants "Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist" I am also a REAL person. It isn't like my husband and I get to jet off to Vegas for the weekend on a lark. Heck, we don't even get to eat dinner out without childcare plans. So I get it. I get how marriage could lose a spark. It's easy to do.

That said, I work with couples on helping keep their marriages lively and meaningful. And I've got some ideas. These things work in my marriage, in my clients' marriages, and I think they can work in yours too:

1. Go On Dates.

I know, this might sound completely obvious. But a recent study showed that as many as 60% of married women did not go on date nights with their spouse! While this study might not be scientific, if it's even close to accurate- that scares me. So if you're in that 60%, let me explain why I think date nights are extremely important: The day to day of marriage, maintaining a home, balancing a budget, caring for children, focusing on a career: means that there is a LOT of opportunity for neutral or even negative daily interaction. It takes a conscious effort to make sure that there are positive interactions to balance that out- and help your relationship go the distance.

Similarly, its easy to forget that in addition to all the hats you wear- you are a woman and a lover too. (I know, I said "lover". It's a semi-gross word. However, it's also a TRUE one!) Take it from the woman in sweats- showering, makeup, doing your hair, wearing an outfit that's too sexy for the office or the playgroup, putting on insensible shoes..... these things are important to keep your libido going. Which leads me to my next point.

2. Have sex.

Again, depending on how you're doing- this is either completely obvious to you, or you are cringing and wanting to skip it. But please hear me out! Relationship expert Michele Weiner-Davis writes in her book "Sex Starved Marriage" about this important topic. She offers the controversial opinion (supported by research and brilliant minds) that barring medical issues: having a good sex life is a choice. "Use it or lose it", that's my motto. So while no one is expecting porn-star status from you, it's important to remember that your sexuality was an important part of your courtship and early marriage. And *gulp* it still should be. (*Ducking to avoid laptops being thrown at my head!*)

3. Fight!

What? huh? Did she really say that!? Yup. I did. When I see couples, I would rather have a couple come in my office in a SCREAMING match than completely silent. Not because I enjoy screaming matches (they make my blood pressure rise just like anyone else). But because there is CARING behind it. As long as there is fighting, there is passion behind ideas. There is a belief that your words matter. There is emotion behind your interactions.

This doesn't mean you need to have a dirty-take-no-prisoners-fight. It could be a sparring match. It could be cracking jokes on each other. It could even be playing competitive games on opposite sides. But going head to head can help clear the air... and reignite your passions.

4. Do Something Different!

The worst enemy of love is not hate; its boredom. So I recommend you do something different. Eat in a different location of the house. Switch roles for a day and do each other's "chores". Turn off the TV if it's always on. Try a new board game. Go to a new kind of activity (a comedy club? A sporting event? A concert?) It can be ridiculous, that doesn't matter. Just as long as it's different.

This helps in two ways: One, the novelty centers of your brain respond when you are in new settings. This means you are feeling happier and more open to new ideas. When something is new- it signals to your brain: "Okay, pay attention. You're not used to doing this." And you become more flexible, creative, imaginative, and adaptive. All great things when you're trying to bond with your sweetie. That's why vacations are such great bonding times.

Two, it can allow you to see your spouse in a different light. After years (decades) of doing more or less the same, seeing your spouse doing something DIFFERENT can really help add a sense of freshness and novelty. You just might learn something new about each other- and a new reason to have the hots for one another.

5. Do Something Your Spouse Is Good At!
Let's face it, confidence is SEXY. So is competence (and they tend to go hand in hand). So put yourself in the position to see each other at your best.  This could be a sport, a hobby, or even work-related function. But by seeing each other at your best, it not only gives your spouse a chance to show off (and feel good about themselves) but it shows that you take an interest in what is important to them. And let's face it, feeling good about your skills and your spouse's interest in you... Now that's an aphrodisiac!

Wishing you a sexy weekend with your honey!

"What's It Like Parenting Tweens and Teens?"

Today I took a blogging challenge, to answer the question: "What's It Like Parenting Tweens and Teens?"

My first responses were things along the lines of:

- Ever been sucker-punched in the gut? Then hugged? Then kicked in the groin?

- It's like trying to dress up a cat, with claws.

- It's like trying to keep a grip on a water worm (do you remember those things?)

- Running in quicksand?

- Or how about: It's like telling a cat to sit.

Why do so many of my teen parenting metaphors have to do with cats? Come to think of it, maybe it makes sense. They give affection on their terms. They come home only to be fed. They sleep all the time.... Maybe I'm on to something.

As a therapist who specializes in working with adolescent girls- I can tell you one thing parenting a tween or teen is not: EASY. You spend your entire life loving and nurturing this little being who depends on you for everything. And then one day you turn around and not only do they want NOTHING to do with you. But you're the singular most STUPID human being on the planet. Sound familiar?

Here's the good news- It's completely normal. (Or is that bad news?) Adolescence has been called "The Rise of Narcissism". Which I think is the most accurate description of a time period that (at any other age) would be considered mental illness.

To put it in layman's terms: Your child is SUPPOSED to fight against the powers that be. They are SUPPOSED to challenge, and push, and wrestle, and in general be uncomfortable in their own skin. Why? Because this is the launching pad for adulthood.
And just like the butterfly must claw, scratch and eat it's way out of the cocoon, the teen must struggle for their own new identity.

If they never cast off the rules/expectations put on them, then they will never figure out which of those they ultimately want to internalize. (And yes, they do ultimately end up internalizing a great deal of them). Does this mean you just give up? Accept their challenge without pushing back? Hardly. But what it does mean- is that the struggle is normal and, more than that: healthy. A teen who never pushes is not on their way to developing identity. So, on those days that you're ready to pull your hair out (or commit your first act of child abuse) just know- this is a good sign.*

Even more good news: If you feel like you don't recognize your teen some times, you're not supposed to. They don't recognize themselves much of the time. They're changing daily in their quest for identity.

If you're looking for more information on how to make this crazy relationship work, check out an older post of mine: "The Proper Care And Feeding Of Your Teen" Part I  and Part II

Wishing you sanity and ports in the storm,

*There are times when teen behavior signals a deeper problem that might need attention. I'll address this separate but extremely important topic later this week.

Motherhood: There's An App For That?

In some ways motherhood is easier than it's ever been. There's an app for potty training, sleep training and (I just purchased!) a clock that changes colors when kids are allowed to get up in the morning! Don't forget about baby carriers, car seat carriers, and Baby Einstein.

Most days I'm glad that I'm a mom today.

But I have to wonder: with all the advances, are we losing something?

I mean, after all, motherhood has (I assume) been just as fulfilling and meaningful for previous generations. (I feel safe assuming this because we still exist as a species... so there must be something appealing about it!) I also assume that previous generations didn't sit around doing nothing, and wishing "If only I had an electronic device to which I could give 4 hours of my attention!" And as far as I know- we still have just 24 hours in a day. 

So here's the strange thing I contemplate: What did we take out of our days to make room for the new gadgets?

Most of it (no doubt) was manual labor. But again, I know that previous generations didn't spend all waking hours laboring. So what about the relationship time? The social time? The interaction with others? What did they used to do, that we now fill with our new ways?

Don't get me wrong, I am not an "unplugged" kind of girl. (Clearly, as I write this in a blog). I belong to networks galore. Enjoy a good YouTube video. And I'm thankful that I can google just about ANYTHING that interests me. I love that I can stay connected with friends and family far away, and that everyone gets to see that cute new video of my son within minutes of it happening....I

And yet, I'm left thinking- maybe there was value to the slower pace. After all, it is how humanity has spent most of history. For example: transportation. Maybe there was value to walking alongside your child on the way to a neighbor's house? Maybe the fresh air, exercise, conversation, quiet, sounds of nature... were better for us than the gas fumes, cell phones, music blaring, DVDs playing, and traffic. Maybe there was something meaningful in the gaze of a newborn... instead of the glow of a screen? (Ouch).

Maybe in our quest to be the most-put-together-have-it-all-and-look-young-too woman, we lost touch with something else. The fast pace and glamorous appearance cost us something.

A little more time talking, less watching. More reading to, less reading online. I don't know- it's something I aspire to at least.

Wishing you (and me!) a slower-pace,

Wait, We're Doing What?

In my last post I talk about the new crazy, revolutionary experiment I'm trying.

Okay, let's just be honest. It's actually rather an OLD tradition... that I'm just now considering. I'm late to the party. But I like it better the first way I said it. It sounds more exciting.

Our mission, is to follow the principles of the Sabbath Manifesto, one day a week, for one month (then re-evaluate). I'm excited by this new idea... and a little nervous. I mean, what does one do all day if there is no laptop, cell phone or tv?

Turns out: a whole lot. Our first day's experiment left me with:

-a cleaner house

-yummier food (b/c I had plenty of time to contemplate and prepare it)

-more conversation with my husband than I've had in a month's time

-a house full of laughter

-a day full of sunshine (playing outdoors) and an evening full of candlelight. *sigh*

I'll admit, the first thing I did was forget about the new experiment (when my son requested "bear" on the tv). But after Hubby's reminder (and the sleep rubbed out of my eyes)... I started getting into it. We found ourselves stumped a few times... missing the easy distractions. But we dug deep into our creativity, and ended up at Fairytale town (a place we have wanted to take my son for a while... but hadn't seemed to find the time.)

At the end of the day, Hubby said- "Maybe we should just live life without tv." But I think he was just overcome with appreciation in the moment. It was a momentary lapse of sanity- right?

*gulp*