Fear Sells. Don't Buy.

For our ancestors bad news was a matter of survival.

Knowing which berries were poison, which cloud pattern indicated a storm, or which bird song meant danger: this kept them alive. On the other hand it wasn't helpful to remember which trees were prettiest in the fall. The most beautiful sunset they ever saw? Well that wasn't going to keep them alive either. Over time nature rewarded the worry-warts and we've been living that legacy ever since.

So it's not your fault, you see.
You're biologically programmed to fear.

Shame Is Sh*t

I don't believe in shame.

Oh I hear you now- but "what about when I do something really terrible Krysta? I should feel badly for it."

Yes. Feeling conviction or remorse is a healthy sign of an intact conscience; but that's not shame.

Like hopelessness, shame seeks to have the last word. It's a period at the end of the sentence which intends to gobble up anything that comes after. Shame is sticky and heavy and weighs you down.

Tarnished

This morning I found it. A necklace I had lost almost three years ago. The crazy thing is, it was right under my nose the whole time.

I had been looking for a different necklace on my jewelry holder. This lead me to search a little deeper than I normally would and that was how it caught my eye: a tiny delicate diamond on a silver chain. It was snarled in a much larger clump and I almost missed it.

It used to be bright silver, and that’s how I knew it.

Our Best Kept Secret

by Toby

"Oh, funny, my friend just texted me because she's getting out of her therapy appointment too!"
Comments like this are typical for my teen clients. They openly discuss their mental health and therapy appointments. They exchange ideas and experiences during lunch. They even encourage one another to seek professional help when they are cutting themselves, depressed, anxious or suicidal.


Yes, times are changing and I am proud of how this young generation respects their mental health.

But there is a strange divide. For my clients who are only ten to fifteen years older, I am far more likely to hear
"This is so embarrassing"

Yes and No

Oh my word. You guys. I'm on draft number five. Five. I still haven't sent it.

You see, I have to send an email. An email I don't want to send. It's time.

I've been living my life in a way that I would tell a client not to. Whoops.

Why The Highly Successful Are Seeking Therapy

There is a strange idea that therapy is only for the very "lost". Despite evidence to the contrary, the ubiquitous stereotype of the analyst's couch and long years of talking... still seems to persist in the minds of many.  The truth is- therapy is more effective, fast-acting and meaningful than ever. As medical technology improves, it continues to strengthen the support for neurologically relevant and rapid therapies. And it turns out, we can all benefit from clearing the emotional path from time to time.

by Unsplash

I know this is true in my office. I see some extremely impressive and accomplished individuals and I love it! (Really, you know I wish I could share- but I can't! You will have to use your imaginations. ) It's a well-kept secret: highly successful and well-resourced people regularly seek therapy as an additional life-improvement tool.

Zero Dollars- Failed Guru

Hey. I'm glad you're here. I need to tell you something scandalous. Something that you rarely hear. Something that no one bothers to mention.

Are you ready?
Here it is:
Chances are, you're doing okay at this life.
(I mean, maybe you won't win any awards any time soon. But, you're most likely doing more good than bad, and more right than wrong.)

And I wanted to tell you that because (I don't know if you've noticed?) that doesn't get said a lot.

How To Treat Your Trauma- 2 Minute Therapy

Krysta Dancy talks about the best practices for treating trauma both at home and in the therapy office- a follow up to her earlier video "What Is Trauma"
*LINKS HERE*
"What is Trauma?"- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRCwto-Zjxs
"How to Help Your Loved One Through Trauma"- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xzilZwY6E8U
Krysta's Website- www.CounselingInRoseville.com
EMDR- Information and latest research- www.emdria.org

Common Sense Disclaimers- This is not a substitute for medical advice or for therapeutic advice. I do not know you personally. My advice cannot be seen as professional advice specific to your condition or needs. This video is intended for interest and information only and is never an implied professional relationship nor is it a substitute for one.

The Tree

I am in a love affair. Outside my window is the most beautiful tree in the world. You might not believe me, so let me offer photographic evidence collected over time.

I like to think of my office as the Tree House- I think you can see why. The point is, this is serious love. 

Ode to Tree or something like that.

Trees have played an important role at different points in my life. So... let me just play it fast and loose and say: I love trees. 

Fast forward: I have been licensed a few years but I am brand new at supervising counseling interns. I am very young (as opposed to now, when I am full of wisdom). Younger than most of the people I am supervising. Suddenly, my mentor and dear friend is seriously injured. And, of course, I do everything I can to help in his recovery. In part, this means I am "him" for a month- filling in his very big shoes.

Here's the problem though. I am so not him. He's the kind of mentor everyone wants. In my book, he's kind of a big deal. He's the sort of person who makes you feel safe, and seen, and valuable and competent all at the same time. The sort of person that you want to be around. The sort of person you feel lucky to be around. Combine that with decades of experience as a therapist. He is a valuable well of knowledge and experience in a package of infectious warmth. And guess what? I'm not him.

I'm sooooo not him.

Not even close.

So... it is the holidays. I am a mom and business owner. I am worried about my dear friend and mentor. And I am trying to be him. Sort of. In that, I am trying to be him and failing miserably at it. Because, well, none of us do that very well.

And everywhere I go in his place, there is a new group of people that is so very worried about this man they love. They are desperate for updates and for reassurance. Reassurance I cannot honestly give them in the early weeks. And they are so painfully aware I am not him. 

And I just keep thinking, really Lord?

And I let myself get caught up. Caught up in the worry. Caught up in my feelings of inadequacy. Becoming very internally aware of all the ways I fall short. The experience I am missing. The wisdom. The sort of benevolent-comfort vibe that I wish I had.

I don't do zen very naturally.

I know, hide your shock.

And I enter this store at the exact right moment. And my eyes fall on this necklace. 

And in that moment all the trees I have loved flood into my mind. I stare at this necklace and I realize what I need to do. I make myself a promise: I will stop being a poor version of someone else. Instead, I will be the best version of me.

And honestly, I don't even know what that looks like in that moment. I don't have some great insight here. It's completely unclear and I don't know how I'm going to get there. But I know in my gut, this is a promise I must find a way to keep.

And I guess I'm sharing this for two reasons. One, because I am obsessed with my tree in the way a proud pet owner must talk about their pet (and share pictures). And so I will take any opportunity to talk about it. Two, because I wonder if you might be experiencing this too? Is there somewhere in your life that you are trying your very best- to be a poor version of someone else? What might happen if you let that go? You're not succeeding at it anyway. You can't be. What if you made a brazen promise to yourself- to be your best self... and no one else?

Tree-hugging,

You Are What You Marinate In

Let's pretend I am a normal person and not a "therapist" for a moment. It will make this easier to admit.

There are days I think angry or unkind thoughts about my husband.

It usually happens when I'm feeling overwhelmed at the sheer enormity of the task before me... and then I trip over something he (unknowingly) left in my path. He doesn't even have to be there, but in that moment, the emotional force of all of my frustration finds a bulls-eye! I go from stressed-out mommy to "innocent and unappreciated" martyr in the span of 5 seconds.


It's not pretty. In fact, it's entirely petty and childish and mean-spirited. I guess I should be thankful it all happened in my head, huh?

Oh yes, you know "the look"

But here's the thing: regardless of whether or not anyone knows the depths of my thoughts, they will still change how I feel and interact with my husband later that day. I might be completely "over" the latest annoyance... and yet as soon as he walks in the door and does *that thing that makes me crazy*, I'm a lot less likely to chalk it up to a cute character quirk.

I like to make up terms. In this case, I call it a "Love Buffer". You see, when I spend all day marinating in angry, resentful, hateful thoughts... it depletes my love buffer. Suddenly my capacity for patience and understanding is drained. Things that might have been a "2" on a 10-point scale are now an "8". Suddenly, I'm fighting over something that doesn't truly matter to me. And the craziest part is... I might not even realize that my current fight is being influenced by my earlier private martyrdom.

But I've come to realize: I am what I marinate in.
-when I marinate in resentment all day, I eventually become resentful.
-when I marinate in hateful thoughts all day, I eventually become hateful.
-when I marinate in bitter musings all day, I eventually become bitter.

So does this mean I ought to suppress any momentary irritation with my spouse? Pretend he's perfect in my mind and expect that to solve everything? Hardly! But it does mean that once I've communicated my frustration to him, and we've worked it out, it's my job to make sure I'm redepositing back into my Love Buffer.

How? I marinate in the good with as much relish as I did the bad. By searching my memory banks for the recent kind and considerate things he did. By making mental lists of 3 things I truly love about him. By re-playing special moments in my mind: our first kiss, our wedding day, the birth of our son.

In other words, by doing what newlyweds do naturally: marinating in the love so that I have enough buffer to endure the bad. Because after all, I am what I marinate in.

Wishing you a squishy marinade full of love,

When Your Loved Ones Care TOO Much

Someone lamented: "Why can't my family and friends just love me without trying to change me?"

Good question. My answer: "Because they can't."

Oh sure, acceptance is important for love. And it's a form of acceptance to leave loved ones "as-is". Surely, none of us enjoys being "the project". But that said, when your loved one is suffering it is natural to want to make it better. Why? Because their suffering causes us suffering. That's the beauty (and the ugliness) of being in a loving relationship with someone: We want them to get better so we can ALL be better, because their pain gives us pain.

In other words (I'm sorry to say) loved ones have an agenda when it comes to your emotional pain.

This is where the "magic" of therapy enters. A therapist is someone who cares for you and your pain... who is trained to help you find solutions and health. At the same time, a therapist doesn't share your personal life. They don't suffer at the hands of your pain. If you lie awake at night full of anxiety- a therapist cares, but will not be losing sleep next to you. If you refuse to leave the house because you are awash in depression- a therapist cares, but will not be house-bound with you. If you find yourself getting angered too easily with loved ones- a therapist cares, but will not be the one getting yelled at day after day. If your sex life is suffering because of your poor body image- a therapist cares, but... you get the idea.

A trained professional who cares, but who is not personally harmed by your suffering is a valuable tool in the process of growth. They are able to see with clearer vision.  

It's not that the "agenda" of your loved ones is bad. It's just that it's unhelpful. Let me give you an example:

Grief is a process that is non-linear. It doesn't follow a prescriptive pattern. It is messy, it is longer than anyone wants it to be. Rarely do you hear a grieving person say "Wow, that was fast! I feel all better now!" Not only is grief long-lasting, but it is pervasive. It affects all aspects of your life. It makes you withdrawn, prone to anger, prone to depression, unfocused... the list goes on. A loved one who is affected by your grief will want you to *snap out of it*... and quickly. They want "you" back- the person they love. The sooner, the better. And that says nothing of their own grief (since loved ones frequently share losses).

But in this case, rushing grief is not only unhelpful- it is harmful. Rushing the grieving process is akin to prematurely shutting it down. Unfinished grief doesn't disappear- it causes harm to the person harboring it (depression, anger, anxiety, insomnia etc...) In this case, an "uninvolved" party who cares- is the exact person you need. Someone involved enough to listen, to care, to point out areas that need attention... while not "needing" your wellness.

Many clients experience my office as something of a "relief". It's as if they exhale for the first time when they walk in my door. A whole session hour- just for them. No one needing anything for themselves. No agenda on my part. Just a space and time where they can work through their stuff at their own pace. 

What a gift!

So if you are one of those people suffering, and thinking: "I don't need therapy, I have family and friends" please keep this in mind. If you find that loved ones are not helpful any longer... or you're feeling "stuck" longer than you want to be- it just might be a case of "loved ones' agendas". The good news is: their agenda is based on love. The bad news: it can get in the way of your needs. This is the magic, and the gift of therapy. Why not give it a try? There is nothing to lose.

Wishing you a space and time of your very own,

A Creeping Spice...

After my latest post on marriage, I received a ton of feedback (thanks!) I also received a question from a reader which basically asked:

"These tips are good, but how do you keep a longer marriage going strong?"

.... "Hmmmm", I needed to think on that one.

It's not that I was short on ideas. I'm actually full of those. (After all, it's what I do all day!) But I wanted to think about long-term marriages, and what makes them different. After all, romance is romance... so I'm pretty sure any "romantic tips" would work for any aged couple. The difference I see, however, is that longer-term marriage requires more intentional investment to keep romance alive. So although these ideas will really work for anyone that wants to be creative in their marriage, I chose them for my longer marriages because they are intentional.

5 Ways To Keep A Longer Marriage "En Fuego"!


1. Remind yourself of the reason you fell in love.

Okay, true confession time: I am "Type-A". My husband is not. When we first fell in love, it was because of this fact. His laid-back style perfectly complimented my high energy. In that first haze of young love, he mellowed me out.

.... but guess what? (You already see this coming, don't you?) It is the single-handed biggest source of our married-couple fights. When I have to remind him "just one more time"... and he's getting nagged "yet again"... it's easy to entirely forget that these same traits used to be cute! So my direct advice on this: If your spouse has a trait that is driving you bonkers lately, think back to a time when you found it endearing (yes, there was at time!) It might not make the annoyance go away, but it will help you keep it in perspective.


2. Make love a game.

I am afraid to write this, because my husband (supportive guy that he is) is going to read it. And now he'll know my little secret. From time to time, I issue challenges to myself. (I realize this sounds weird, but wait!) The purpose of jumping these mental hoops is to shake things up in a positive way. Therefore, in a nutshell, the challenge is to do something secretly that will make your spouse happy.

Example- I'll say to myself: "This week I'm going to say something nice to him (unsolicited) every day." or "This week I will only be allowed to nag him once a day" (because lets be honest, it's going to happen!). Other ideas could include: doing a dreaded chore for your spouse, giving hugs and backrubs without sexual agendas, taking the kids off their hands (if they are the usual child-care providers), cooking a favorite meal each night, saying "I love you" every day before work... and so on.

The sky's the limit and creativity is a plus! It's especially rewarding to utilize #3 when doing this.

3. Remember their Love Language.

Gary Chapman wrote a book called "The 5 Love Languages" that is a must-read for every single married person (or parent). It's easy to understand and practical, and it's principles will change your relationship over night. (How many books can say that! And no, I don't know Gary or get any kickback from this! :) )

In an nutshell, everyone gives and receives love differently. (Duh). In this case: physical touch, gifts, acts of service, quality time, or verbal affirmation. The problems arise because we give love to others in the same way we feel loved. While we spend our time picking out the perfect birthday gift ("gifts"), they just wish you would take them somewhere and hang out ("quality time"). Or while we're constantly giving hugs and kisses (physical touch), they're wishing we would just help around the house ("service"). You get the idea.We hear love better when its spoken in our language!

So next time you feel like doing something nice for your sweetie, why not stop and consider their love language? You'll get more bang for your buck if you do!


4. Have sex.

If you read my other article, you're thinking: "Give it a REST, Krysta." But in longer relationships, I see this as sorely underrated. This doesn't mean you need to have sex as often as you once did (although, that would be great too!) It doesn't mean you have to be as flexible or athletic as you once were (ha. I'm teasing you.) But it does mean that nothing says "romantic partnership" quite as well as the classics. 

And if that doesn't motivate you, consider this: when your spouse said "I do".. .they also signed up for a lifetime of only getting to have sex with YOU. Their sexual needs, gratification, identity, feelings of sexiness- come almost entirely from you. That's an awesome responsibility. One I recommend that married couples don't take lightly. Think about it: sex is totally unique in that way. We can receive compliments from others. Others can remind us of our intelligence, charisma, talent and so on. But our sexual identities remain (mostly) hidden from the outside world and reserved only for each other. What an honor and rare connection. I think we could all do better if we cherished that a little more.

5. Re-meet your spouse.
A recent article I read proved that married couples were more likely to guess their spouses perspective wrong, than a perfect stranger! Why is that? Because after all these years together, we get used to thinking we know all about each other. And we disregard any evidence to the contrary. Think about it, we've got each other so pegged- that we figure we can throw away the file. No need to add anything new to it.

But consider this: when you run into an old friend (think high school, college) are you ever amazed at how they've changed? Amazed at what they've made of themselves? Or how they've become so much more: open minded, grounded, creative, ambitious, or conventional than you would have guessed? If so, then I recommend you give your spouse the same chance to wow you.

Next time you're out, try pretending you don't know everything about your spouse (hey, this could fulfill #2!) Try asking them questions like you would at a cocktail party- about their day, their job, their interests.... You might be surprised to find there are things still left to know. And in the process, your spouse will feel cared for. That's a win/win in my book.

Feel free to comment on ways you keep YOUR marriage spicy. I'm always looking for new ones!

Wishing you a sprinkle of Tabasco in your marriage!

Anxiety- Why God, Why?

........Anxiety bites.

There, I said it.

If you do not know this, it is because you
a. Don't Have Anxiety, or
b. Don't know someone who does

Otherwise I pretty much assume you know what I'm talking about, and we can go from there.

Here's the rub: some anxiety is good for you. I realize that sounds impossible, but imagine what would happen if you never felt pressure to perform. What if missing your term paper didn't produce any feelings of worry? Or how about your boss's opinion of your performance? You get the point: a little anxiety is necessary for society (and you) to go on functioning. Without it, we would all be a lot like the main character of "Office Space"... good for comedy; not so good if you prefer to have a home and eat food.

But what about when anxiety tips the scales beyond production into true suffering? What then? Well I'm glad you asked, because I have a theory! (Uh-oh, here it comes) But before I can tell it to you, lets review the prehistoric roots of our anxiety, shall we?

Once upon a time....

Our brains had to determine friend from foe... and quickly. When running into an animal in the forest, there was no time to create spread charts of pros vs cons. All we knew is, our survival depended on one thing: action. We didn't always know what the action ought to be... but we knew there ought to be some.

This call to act is now known as: fight or flight response. In other words, when prehistoric man was in an unfamiliar and/or dangerous situation... our prehistoric brains sent signals to our body. The signals went something like: "RED ALERT! RED ALERT! THAT ANIMAL WILL EAT YOU!" and then depending on your odds, the follow up signal was "FIGHT!" or if the predator was large: "RUN!" Our bodies were flooded with everything needed to make us move fast, and survive the fight or the chase. The way we digested food, the way we breathed, the way we heard, even the way our blood pumped... all were used in harmony to ensure our survival for that moment. Many years of human history perfected this operation. Because, as you might have guessed, any human who didn't experience the fight or flight reaction- was often lunch for the faster animals.

How does this apply to anxiety? Well that prehistoric "Fight or Flight" response is now known as anxiety. Modern humankind doesn't often find itself faced with the risk of becoming a meal. But try telling your brain that! You see, the brain is slooooow to evolve. It got the way it is over a long time. It's not going to change quickly.

Okay, how does this help you?

I believe this is good information for one reason: because once you understand your brain, you can make peace with it (little caveman that it is). When you experience anxiety, it is because your brain is telling to you to act. Remember, anxiety is our "Fight or Flight" response... it is a RED ALERT CALL TO ACTION for survival's sake.

Many people suffer under anxiety's weight: silent and still. I submit that this is the exact opposite of what you ought to do, because even in the year 2010- your body is still doing what it would have done in 1010 and 0010 to stay alive: it would have demanded action then, and it's demanding action now. The only way to get relief, therefore, is to give it what it wants....

In my next blog- I'll tell you how to do just that, and how to tell when anxiety is more than just that....

Deep Breaths,
Krysta Dancy

Adolescence... ah where to begin

Teenagers. Few words generate such a collective knowing sigh.

Whether you're a future, present or past parent of a teen- you can understand the sentiment. A time in life when freedom and limitation fight for position. A time when self-reliance and mooching don't seem to notice their own contradictions. And the hormones... yes, the hormones.

As part of my practice, I work a great deal with teens.  From this experience, I've gathered several conclusions and tips. I'd like to share a few with you. In no particular order:


The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Teen.... Part 1 (Part II is here)!

I find that what is most helpful for parents, is to recall the history of us as a people. I'm not talking about "the good ol' days". I mean human history. Since the dawn of humanity, teens have ruled. Depending on the era, thirty was considered "grandparent age" and anything beyond that qualified you for impending death. Not only were teens the parents; they were the warriors, the leaders, the hunters, the foragers. In other words, nature made sure that teens were (above all else)- hormonal, aggressive and passionate. It made sense that with the peak of fertility (and likely parenthood) teens would also be fiercely independent, strong-willed, and full of hubris. This ensured our survival as a species.

Fast-forward to our present day. Not only are teens NOT in charge, they are still living under the rule of parents. Not only are they NOT the warriors, they aren't even the drivers (for a while). Not only are they NOT the parents, they are told they ought not to be having sex at all. There is nothing to hunt and gather, there are no fires to stoke, there are no civilizations to pillage or protect. There are simply endless hours of school, malls, and (of course) sleeping. At a time when they are the most virile and agitated, they are told to do precisely the opposite: "sit still. take notes. be obedient. do what I say."

Now I for one am thankful that the average life expectancy is longer. I am thankful that adolescents no longer call the shots and I can expect to live peacefully to a ripe old age. I am also thankful that we encourage our teens to explore their own identities during their teen years. We give them a break from the stresses of adulthood for a little longer. We encourage parenthood to start only after the hubris of youth has died down- and I think that's good for society and for individual development.

But you can see how this is a recipe for discontent, right? You can see how adolescent angst would rear its ugly head. So what's a parent to do when they have a caveman teenager in gentler, calmer times?

I'm so glad you asked! I have ideas! :)

Point 1: Give your teen a purpose.
Remember, teens were built to be the movers and shakers of society. They were made to create (and destroy) civilizations. Their energy has been an asset to human history... until now. So its up to you as the parent, to help that energy finds its own use. In other words: wear them out!

For some teens this will be an after school job. For others, it's extra curricular programs. For still others, its pitching in more with the running of the household. Each situation is unique to your teen and family. But what is universally true is that they need purpose (just like we do).

It is my belief that human energy cannot be created or destroyed. It is simply re-routed. I believe a great deal of turmoil in the home is due to misplaced teen energy. If a teen has no purpose, no meaning to their existence (at a time when nature made sure they would crave it), what is s/he to do with that useless feeling? Get angry? Mopey? Agitated? Depressed? Yup, and a whole lot more. So put that energy to work somewhere meaningful, and drain the conflict out of your home!

I counsel teens, sometimes for long periods of time. You know what happens every year (like clockwork)? I lose clients around the time school lets out for the summer. It's a typical ebb and flow of my industry. Family vacations have some to do with it, and unpredictable schedules. But it also has to do with the fact that parents and teens start telling me "everything is fine", we're doing great!

Guess what happens every September? My office is flooded with phone calls of frantic teens and their parents, reporting that the remainder of the summer was a disaster. The honeymoon period of catching up on their sleep is quickly replaced by the melancholy of boredom. So with summer just starting, now is the time to preemptively help you and your teen, by finding a purpose for them and their time. It's good for you both!

... check back later... next time I'll talk about what one single thing may be to blame for teen attitude, obesity, ADHD and a host of other medical issues we see in teens today....

ETA- Part II can be read here.

Hoping your summer is purposeful,
Krysta

Confessions of a Therapist

I'm gonna level with you: today wasn't great.

I adore my job, and everything that goes with it. The chance to help people make real, meaningful change in their lives really gets me excited. The chance to offer support, encouragement, a listening ear, a sounding board, a solution, a safe place.... how could life get much better?

But some days the losses outnumber the wins.

Some days people get in their own way. Some days people don't want what I'm offering. Some days I mess up and get in my own way.... Yikes.... I hate those days the most.

I'm not supposed to have flaws, right? I am the paid expert in the room. The expert at "life, relationships and happiness", right? So what does it mean when I am the one who messes up?

I have no idea. But I hope it means I'm real. I hope it means I'm reachable. I hope it means I can relate to the one crying on the couch, because I have been that one crying on the couch. I hope it means I never begin to think I am infallible. I hope it means I remain genuine, humble and graceful.... and deep down- I hope those things count for more than perfection in my clients' eyes.

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow,
Krysta

Different Types Of Therapy: A Primer

"What do therapists DO?"

This is sadly one of the hardest questions for me to answer. Because the answer depends entirely on why you're seeing them. That's also one of the reasons I have the most interesting job on earth: no two days are alike. My day can begin with a client who has a debilitating phobia, include a married couple on the brink of divorce, and end with a combat veteran struggling with PTSD. How could anyone get bored?!

In my personal opinion, the needs of a client should greatly influece WHICH form of therapy you utilize. After all, will a person with a phobia have the same needs as the married couple for therapy? Will their goals look the same? Likely not.

But enough about me, I decided that I wanted to create a sort of "primer" on different types of therapy- because in my mind an educated consumer is a better consumer... And knowledge is power.... And several other cliches. What I'm trying to say is: I hope you can use this list to begin to educate yourself about therapy, and what methods most closely align with your personal belief system. I also hope you can use it to find a therapist who is a good match for you. (I personally utitilize all these philosophies in my therapy with clients).

So without further fuss, here is my "Ridiculously OverSimplified List Of Popular Therapy Methods"*

Cognitive- The belief that if you change your thoughts, you change your life. Focus is on ending destructive thought patterns and employing healthy ones.

Behavioral- The belief that our behavior is shaped by reward and punishment. Focus is on ending destructive behaviors and begining healthy ones.

Attachment Oriented- The belief that our attachments (both bad and good) to primary caretakers as a child, now influences our current relationships (for bad and good). Focus is on relearning healthy attachment.

Multigenerational- The belief that our relationships and behavior are influenced by what we learned from our own family growing up. Focus is on increasing awareness of what we learned, and relearning healthy forms of relating.

Experiential- The belief that change takes place in the here and now, and emotional expression and awareness is the vehicle. Focus is on active therapy, employing the use of the client's immediate emotions and experience.

Psychoanalytic- Freud is most famous here: the belief that unconcious thoughts and motivations cause mental illness. Focus is on making the unconcious, concious.

Psychodynamic- The belief that our past emotional experiences shape our current interactions with people. Focus is on self-awareness, employing the use of emotions and communication.

Structural- The belief that relationship trouble is caused when we become rigid and repetitive and lose adaptability. Focus is on identifying areas of rigidity and making them flexible.

Strategic- The belief that all behavior (both healthy and not) is motivated by power and control. Focus is on restructuring the power balance in a relationship.

*My disclaimer: Psychology Students- do NOT use this to study for exams, it is but one person's opinion (and you can be certain that I have missed important points!) Fellow health professionals- I beg in advance for your forgiveness if you feel I butchered or left out your modality of choice,  see above. Thank you :)

A Day for Lovers

Unless you lived under a rock, you know that we just passed valentine's day. I always find the holiday especially interesting, because the reaction to Valentine's is so widely varying. While one might decorate their home in anticipation, others make it a personal mission to let everyone know just how "stupid" a holiday it is.

Of course, being in the business of loving personal relationships- I take the opportunity to observe all the funny behavior that happens around this holiday. Over the years I've collected random stories, but my favorite fact is now this:

On Valentine's Day our website received seven times the average number of hits for a Sunday.

When I first realized this, I had to chuckle to myself as I imagined angry wives plunking "marriage counseling" on their keyboards Feb 14th (the most popular keyword search). Or perhaps it was a frantic and placating man saying "Fine! We'll get counseling!" I realize these are stereotypes, but I'm being honest- it was what ran through my head as I laughed.

Whatever the case, it appears that love (and the celebration of love) is not quite a Hallmark commercial. Duh. And a part of my heart is warmed that people are reaching out for support when they face marital turmoil, instead of suffering silently as they did in years past.

But after the chuckling, laughing, and heart-warming... I am struck by one final thought:

The average number of phone calls... did not raise at all.

And that is sobering to me.

Like Learning To Walk

One of my clients said something that stuck with me. She was comparing her counseling process to learning to walk. Having a small child, this image really connected with me.

In any process of change, there comes a point in time where we've prepared in every way possible- and all that's left is to take that step, to act. The problem is, taking that first step requires us to let go of our support. It requires us to step out into the open air, with nothing to lean on.

You can't have both. You have to pick. There is no way to learn to walk while you still hold on to the familiar. There is no way to learn to walk if you are still leaning on a support.

But the familiar supports keep us back from our next step, prevent us from growing- if we clutch them too tightly.

So in many ways, I think she's right. Personal growth and mental health is just like an infant learning to walk. And just like the infant, we cannot imagine the freedom that waits on the other side. It's all just abstract faith, until we actually act. But the reward is better than we could ever imagine!

It leads me to introspection- what things am I afraid to let go of in my journey? What fear is holding me back from the amazing?