Fear Sells. Don't Buy.

For our ancestors bad news was a matter of survival.

Knowing which berries were poison, which cloud pattern indicated a storm, or which bird song meant danger: this kept them alive. On the other hand it wasn't helpful to remember which trees were prettiest in the fall. The most beautiful sunset they ever saw? Well that wasn't going to keep them alive either. Over time nature rewarded the worry-warts and we've been living that legacy ever since.

So it's not your fault, you see.
You're biologically programmed to fear.

How To Set Your Compass

Fear is a dirty liar.

There, I said it. Sometimes I just need to get to the point.

The part of you that doesn't walk down a dark alley at midnight? The one that doesn't jump off tall buildings or drive the wrong way in traffic? That isn't fear. That's wisdom. Those things aren't smart.

I'm talking about fear. You know the one. It stops you in your tracks and blocks you from moving through your own dark spaces. You either run or freeze. It goes by other names. Some call it anxiety.

A Letter From The World To You

By Greg Rakozy

(The ones who need to write this, cannot. Please consider this their letter)


Dear Precious One And Only You,
Inside you. Can you feel it? Your heart beating. Your chest rising and falling. Your body fidgeting. 
You are alive.

Zero Dollars- Failed Guru

Hey. I'm glad you're here. I need to tell you something scandalous. Something that you rarely hear. Something that no one bothers to mention.

Are you ready?
Here it is:
Chances are, you're doing okay at this life.
(I mean, maybe you won't win any awards any time soon. But, you're most likely doing more good than bad, and more right than wrong.)

And I wanted to tell you that because (I don't know if you've noticed?) that doesn't get said a lot.

Do Cafe Tables Block Bullets?

Some days it's just too much, guys. All the suffering that exists. The ways we humans have found to hurt each other. The many ways it is possible to be afraid. It gets too heavy.

Yesterday. I had a moment. It was over quickly but I am still stuck on it.

I was set to eat lunch at a local cafe with a colleague and friend. Unknown to me, the bank next door had just been robbed. As I parked, the adjacent lot filled with police cars.

As I ordered, I was distracted by the team of armed officers who made their way quietly through the crowded restaurant. One even drawing his taser at one point when he threw open the restroom door. Without a single word, the bustling lunch crowd silently watched the uniformed men work their way through; their posture rigid, their hands on their weapons, their eyes searching.

In that moment, I thought of a lot of things. All. The. Things. All the terrible things.
"Can a cafe table block bullets"? I casually wondered.
"Where are all the exits"? I made mental note.
"Would the bathroom be a safe bet? No, no exit." All while ordering soup and salad.

A woman with two small children finally asked an officer what was on all of our minds, "Are we safe here?" He gave a vague gesture (maybe a thumbs up) as he exited the building and continued his search outside.

Then my food was ready. My friend was waiting at a table. The officers were mostly gone. So I sat down and ate. Which to me, is perhaps the weirdest part. No one left. We all went back to eating.

Partly I sat because it was automatic. But really, if I think about it, I had an inner conversation with myself. One which ended in a subtle declaration "There is danger everywhere." And so I sat.

The rest of my day was also heavy. In fact, I didn't get the chance to tell anyone what happened.

But now I am home snuggling with my toddler and sipping coffee and thinking. WHAT WAS THAT?
"Are we safe here?"
"There is danger everywhere."

And I don't know.

I have no brilliant insights to offer about it. I have a lot of questions.

I also think of those officers and how that frightening moment is their everyday. I want to give them each a hug and a cookie and a day off.

But as for the rest, I don't know man.

My newsfeed is full of anger and fear. FULL OF IT. I make no political point here. Politics do not interest me right now. I kid you not, this morning I saw a police instructional video for how to handle a mass shooting. "Run, Hide, Fight." it said. Like "Stop, Drop and Roll" except for when someone is shooting at you.
"Are we safe here?"
My office is full of people who are traumatized.
"There is danger everywhere."
And I am cuddling my toddler....

I just. don't. know.

My son's pj-clad foot. Also, my sanity.

Here's the only thing I know. The ONE THING in the midst of the dark.

I choose hope. 

That's it. That's what I've got.
I choose to smile at my kiddo's naked booty (he just walked out of the bathroom).
I choose to say "thank you".
I choose to dig for love when there is anger and fear.
I choose to look at my corner of the world as my personal calling.
I choose to turn on Christmas lights at every possible opportunity and smile.

It makes no sense. It solves nothing. But it is everything. It is all I have.

Wishing you hope, smiles, gratitude, love but most of all hope,

The Tree

I am in a love affair. Outside my window is the most beautiful tree in the world. You might not believe me, so let me offer photographic evidence collected over time.

I like to think of my office as the Tree House- I think you can see why. The point is, this is serious love. 

Ode to Tree or something like that.

Trees have played an important role at different points in my life. So... let me just play it fast and loose and say: I love trees. 

Fast forward: I have been licensed a few years but I am brand new at supervising counseling interns. I am very young (as opposed to now, when I am full of wisdom). Younger than most of the people I am supervising. Suddenly, my mentor and dear friend is seriously injured. And, of course, I do everything I can to help in his recovery. In part, this means I am "him" for a month- filling in his very big shoes.

Here's the problem though. I am so not him. He's the kind of mentor everyone wants. In my book, he's kind of a big deal. He's the sort of person who makes you feel safe, and seen, and valuable and competent all at the same time. The sort of person that you want to be around. The sort of person you feel lucky to be around. Combine that with decades of experience as a therapist. He is a valuable well of knowledge and experience in a package of infectious warmth. And guess what? I'm not him.

I'm sooooo not him.

Not even close.

So... it is the holidays. I am a mom and business owner. I am worried about my dear friend and mentor. And I am trying to be him. Sort of. In that, I am trying to be him and failing miserably at it. Because, well, none of us do that very well.

And everywhere I go in his place, there is a new group of people that is so very worried about this man they love. They are desperate for updates and for reassurance. Reassurance I cannot honestly give them in the early weeks. And they are so painfully aware I am not him. 

And I just keep thinking, really Lord?

And I let myself get caught up. Caught up in the worry. Caught up in my feelings of inadequacy. Becoming very internally aware of all the ways I fall short. The experience I am missing. The wisdom. The sort of benevolent-comfort vibe that I wish I had.

I don't do zen very naturally.

I know, hide your shock.

And I enter this store at the exact right moment. And my eyes fall on this necklace. 

And in that moment all the trees I have loved flood into my mind. I stare at this necklace and I realize what I need to do. I make myself a promise: I will stop being a poor version of someone else. Instead, I will be the best version of me.

And honestly, I don't even know what that looks like in that moment. I don't have some great insight here. It's completely unclear and I don't know how I'm going to get there. But I know in my gut, this is a promise I must find a way to keep.

And I guess I'm sharing this for two reasons. One, because I am obsessed with my tree in the way a proud pet owner must talk about their pet (and share pictures). And so I will take any opportunity to talk about it. Two, because I wonder if you might be experiencing this too? Is there somewhere in your life that you are trying your very best- to be a poor version of someone else? What might happen if you let that go? You're not succeeding at it anyway. You can't be. What if you made a brazen promise to yourself- to be your best self... and no one else?

Tree-hugging,

Like Learning To Walk

One of my clients said something that stuck with me. She was comparing her counseling process to learning to walk. Having a small child, this image really connected with me.

In any process of change, there comes a point in time where we've prepared in every way possible- and all that's left is to take that step, to act. The problem is, taking that first step requires us to let go of our support. It requires us to step out into the open air, with nothing to lean on.

You can't have both. You have to pick. There is no way to learn to walk while you still hold on to the familiar. There is no way to learn to walk if you are still leaning on a support.

But the familiar supports keep us back from our next step, prevent us from growing- if we clutch them too tightly.

So in many ways, I think she's right. Personal growth and mental health is just like an infant learning to walk. And just like the infant, we cannot imagine the freedom that waits on the other side. It's all just abstract faith, until we actually act. But the reward is better than we could ever imagine!

It leads me to introspection- what things am I afraid to let go of in my journey? What fear is holding me back from the amazing?