Fully Starving

Stop. Breathe.

It all feels so real. The carefully procured creation in front of me. So real and yet so far. It reveals everything but it reveals nothing.

I know about you, but I don’t really know you.

How To Outsmart Your Caveman Brain (Part 3)

This wont make sense unless you read Part 1 and Part 2 first.

How Use Neurological Understanding To Help Yourself

1. Discharge the body's threat response. 

We cannot live a life free from perceived threat. Our silly caveman brain is wired to search for it, convinced this will help us live. However, we can increase our awareness of the cycle and make a point to re-engage our Parasympathetic Nervous System (our Peace Survival state). Techniques that can do this include:

How To Outsmart Your Caveman Brain (Part 2)

(To understand this you will need to start by reading Part 1 first)

What Does It All Mean?

Okay so you've made it through the geeky explanations of Part 1. How does this ancient information play out in your modern body, brain and mind?

1. Your body spends too much time in "threat" mode. 

Remember how "Threat Survival" mode means your body stops doing everything irrelevant to surviving a predator? All of your energy, blood flow and oxygen go into your survival mode. Everything is dedicated to fight, flight, faint or freeze. This is hard on your body but it works when it's done briefly. It's a sacrifice worth making to outrun a predator. 

How To Outsmart Your Caveman Brain (Part I)

So you're a modern human. I get it. I love my Starbucks and my air conditioning as much as anyone. A client recently told me "you're just, like, a little bit of a hippie" and I think that probably sums it up. While I love the concept of natural, I also love mascara. It's a tough balance but someone has to do it.

The point is, this is not one more article about how everything used to be better in the old days. I don't think that's a complete picture. While our ancestors might have lived in tune with nature, they also died young and lived hard lives.
Just like mascara, I like to cherry-pick the things I appreciate about modern life and make them work with the outdated equipment I'm using called my body. And believe me, it is outdated. Because although our entire lives have been lived in modernity, our bodies and brains are the beneficiaries of slow evolution. Some things about modern life improve our frailties (like antibiotics!) While many others totally mess with us (like sleep deprivation).

So join me on a process of cherry-picking, okay? It's a bit geeky at first. But I think it will be worth it.

Zero Dollars- Failed Guru

Hey. I'm glad you're here. I need to tell you something scandalous. Something that you rarely hear. Something that no one bothers to mention.

Are you ready?
Here it is:
Chances are, you're doing okay at this life.
(I mean, maybe you won't win any awards any time soon. But, you're most likely doing more good than bad, and more right than wrong.)

And I wanted to tell you that because (I don't know if you've noticed?) that doesn't get said a lot.

How To Stop School Shootings

Image credit here

Well I'm going to venture into gray area today: school shootings

And you know what's sad? I can write this today and know with certainty it will become timely again and again.

And while politicians and talking heads will yell at one another about this issue, I have my own take on it. As a mother and therapist to families and adolescents. I have my own perspective on what is happening here.

We have a mental health crisis in the country. We are failing ourselves and our young people.

Let me lay this out for you. Your brain is an organ. 
Your organs are biological.
They are susceptible to disease.
They are injured by trauma.
They are affected by your health.

Your brain (the thing that runs your decisions, your feelings, your moods, your actions) is a flesh and blood organ that is made better or worse by your life choices. Just like your heart.

Here's the difference. If your heart stops beating it only hurts you and those you love. If your brain stops working you can become deadly.

In my professional opinion- this is not about video games. It is not about a justified rage. It is not about bullying. It is about mental illness. Pure and simple. How do I know?
- Do you watch movies or play games with violent actions in them?
- Do you feel rejected by others sometimes?
- Did you ever feel bullied or unliked by peers?
- Are people ever mean to you?
- Do you write manifestos and go on killing sprees?

See my point?

We have a mental health epidemic. We prescribe more and more psychotropic medication every year. Last statistic I read placed parents at about 1/5 that are currently on some form of mood medication. We are not well. And we are raising our kids to be unwell.

If I had a magic wand here's what I would do.
1. Move back school start times to 9:30 am for adolescents (read latest research on how circadian rhythyms and sleep deprivation affect adolescents. It is frightening). This is proven to lower the incidence of depression and school dropouts significantly within one year's time.
2. Create health classes in school that educate young people on the following:
     How sleep affects your body
     How technology affects your body
     How light exposure affects mood and circadian rhythms
     How nutrition affects the brain
    What are the warning signs of depression, anxiety and psychosis?
3. Staff every high school with mental health professionals. (I'm not talking about guidance counselors. I am talking about licensed mental health providers who have constant access to kids.) Give them the authority to
     Screen every kid every year for mental health issues
     Jointly work with the teen's family support to address mental health issues.
     See a teen regularly who is going through mental health issues.
     Pull any child at any time that they feel is in crisis, without academic repercussions.
     Make referrals and fast-track kids they feel are in crisis
4. Only give a teen antidepressants if they will see a mental health provider at least 2x a week for at least 8 weeks following the new prescription. (Read up on antidepressant use in teens and its ridiculously high rate of suicide and manic behavior. Teen bodies don't respond like adults do).
5. Structure school activities so that teens see sunlight before noon every day to regulate their circadian rhythms and lower incidence of mood disorders.
6. Structure school activities so that teens are moving their bodies every day, outdoors if possible for the same reason.

I would be willing to bet that if a school were willing and able to make these changes, their risk of a school shooting from a student would be almost nil.

We are unwell. We are not addressing our unwellness.

We think adolescents are meant to be depressed, exhausted, and unwell. This is NOT TRUE. Research proves that it is not true.

We accept sickness because we don't know what health looks like. 

And we accept sickness because we have removed power from anyone who knows how to diagnose a mental health crisis.

I could see a person in my office, be certain that they are danger to themselves or society, but if they are not an imminent threat with an identifiable target... I have no power. Zero. Nothing can be done. They will go back out into the world without a tether. And when they finally do act out, there will be people looking to cast blame. But where can it rest? There is no one to speak for the mentally ill. We have erred on the side of their autonomy because we don't want to make the mistakes of our past. But is this better? The mentally ill make up the majority of our homeless population. The mass shootings are done by the mentally ill. Is this better?

I don't believe it is.

The truth is, this can be changed. But this isn't sexy. It doesn't sound good in clips. It isn't going to be yelled by a talking head. So the necessary changes are ignored.

We have advocates for heart health and against the obesity epidemic. And that's important. Please don't misunderstand me. But if your heart fails or you are overweight- you hurt only yourself and those who love you. Mental illness affects us all. But we are silent about it. That has to change.






PS- If you're new here, I'm a therapist in Roseville, CA
PPS- If you liked this post about teens, try this one.
PPPS- If you like posts about technology and mental health try this one or this one.

Yo, it's not "real"

Remember when you watched the Truman Show and you were all like, "Wow, this place he lives is freaking CREEPY?" *

Look at that creepy smile.
Courtesy of this link

And part of you was kind of like, "Duh Jim Carrey how could anyone accept this washed-out version of life as reality?" But oh yeah, that was the point.

And you were cheering along with him as he searched for the ultimate reality... on his quest to find Truth!?

And then... this moment happened.

A "Whoah" moment
courtesy of this link

Whoah.

His sailboat hits a wall. (Oh yeah, spoiler alert).

Immediately followed by this

A stairway from nowhere, now that's cool.
courtesy of this link

And all of a sudden, his entire WORLD was just busted open. He realized, the reality he had seen and accepted was in fact, manufactured by another. And that a much grittier, more real, more unpredictable reality actually existed. 

Well, I want you to have this moment. Track with me here....

 This is social media. It is contrived. It is a version of reality that other people want you to see. It is a version of reality. Meaning, in its own way, it IS reality. But it is not the whole of reality.

This is your Facebook feed blowing up on holidays with pictures of perfect families doing everything cute. This is your Twitter feed blowing up with pithy comments from everyone who is doing something amazing right now. This is your Instagram account overflowing with photos of hotness, happiness, or cuteness in some way. Sure, it is a real photo. But it is a version of reality that another person wants you to see.

So here is what I propose:

It's enough already. 

As someone who is in the "nitty gritty" with people on a daily basis, take my word on it: their crappy moments look a lot like your crappy moments. Neither of you post them online. 

And oh, for the love of God, can we stop acting like something didn't happen unless it is documented by at least 2 social media sources? The truth is, the moments we are the most fully present are the ones there is no photographic evidence of. Don't misunderstand me, I love posting photos as much as the next person. But its not my reality. It isn't the moments that count for the most. The moment I drink in, is the moment I get out from behind my Iphone, and actually WITNESS the event happening. That is what builds a life. The photos are only a memento. The experience is what counts.

So for today. Give yourself a break, okay? You only get one crack at this crazy ride called life. (At least, as far as we know). So maybe, just maybe, it can be time to truly and fully inhabit the life that you live. 

And let this:

Become this:

*If your answer is "no" then you're too young. It's probably past your bedtime. If its not past your bedtime I don't want to hear about it because that means that people are old enough to stay up late and STILL not know what the Truman Show is... and that is not a reality *I* am willing to accept.

If you like this post, you might like this one too.

Facebooking Death

My client said something so brilliant- I can't stop thinking about it.
She'd lost a friend tragically. And as we unraveled all the particulars of her experience, she grappled for the right words to express her feelings.

"Facebooking Death"

...I sat with that for a minute. 

She went on to describe a phenomenon (one I've seen personally) of people expressing well-wishes for the grieving family via Facebook (or any number of care websites really). Sending posts and even gift cards, while remaining on the outside.

The longer we talked, the more I got a visual. I've seen it myself.
The absolute OVER involvement on one hand... while still leaving the mourning in total isolation.

Most ancient traditions and religions have a communal response to tragedy. Sitting shiva, for instance. And even until very recently, I can remember stories about family "bringing a casserole" to the grieving- every night for the next 3 months.  What every grief tradition seems to have in common: they tell the grieving person: "You are not alone in this."

But I have seen those traditions disappear around me. In suburban modern america we don't know our neighbors. We don't build community. We "facebook life"... and so, of course, we "facebook death".

We allow a photo of a newborn and a wall post to substitute for bringing the new family a meal or washing a dish. We allow a birthday wish to substitute for a phone call or a card or a party. We allow blogging to substitute for being together. It was only a matter of time before death became the same.

You've all seen it- the Facebook page serves as a virtual yearbook of sympathies from every person they've ever met. Meanwhile, the grieving person sits alone on the other end of the screen. 

Is this good for us? It feels so wrong to me.

And here's where I'll confess something that's hardest of all: therapy used to be about helping those with mental health issues. I find this is less and less the case in my office. More and more, therapy is about people needing to be less alone. Don't get me wrong, I still see plenty of nitty-gritty. But often what keeps people coming back, week after week, is that there is real connection to a living breathing person. A person (me) who will set aside everything to be there.

I am honored to be that person. And it breaks my heart that I am that person.

It is my fervent belief that we need to stop facebooking life and start living it. To tighten our circles of influence but increase our investment in that circle. To dig deeply into the people around us. To express our love through action. To enter into their messy, grieving moments and not leave them alone staring at a screen.

We've never had so many friends, and been so alone. 

Wishing you a full, messy, connected life-

5 Reasons Why I Gave Up My Laptop

Psssst... I have to type fast.
Sadly, no beautiful photos today (my favorite part of blogs). No fun formatting.

Why? Because instead of typing this at home on my laptop, I'm sneaking my blogging in between client appointments.

Shhh. Don't tell. 
When colleagues see my door closed, they assume it must be important. Let's leave that illusion in place, okay?
Why am I doing this? Because, for 30 days... I did the unthinkable: I gave up my laptop. Gulp.


You see, my laptop and I have a love affair. It answers all my questions, calms all my mommy fears, provides socialization on rainy-stuck-inside-days-at-home. It also lets me watch my TV favorite shows for free- a fact I don't take lightly. Yes, my laptop suits me just fine.


And that, is the problem.


It beckons me "for just a moment". To check the new movie time, get directions, see the weather forecast. And before I know it, time has passed, and my toddler has trashed 2 rooms, gotten a "snack" all over the floor and is sitting on me in an attempt to finally steal my attention back.


So my friends, it had to go. Because
no matter how much I love my laptop- I love my toddler more. 


I won't lie to you. It's been rough. I'm just over a week into this experiment and there were times I was thankful that I separated the power cord and laptop in places far enough apart for me to think clearly before I could get them both. But a funny thing has happened in just this last week:

1. I've played more with my son.
2. I've gardened more (something I love).
3. My house is cleaner, warmer, and more lovely to be in.
4. I'm more emotionally present with clients (because I didn't "rush" to get there!)
5. I go to sleep earlier. (No glowing screen urging me to keep clicking...)

And so I keep it up. Because I'm convinced this is worth every inconvenience. My love (the laptop) can sit in the guest room closet for a while longer. Right now, my son has things outside he wants to "show me". So please forgive the formatting errors, or spelling errors, or just... the whole rushed aspect of the thing. I'm busy doing things that I love, and it feels good!

Wishing you more connection,

Motherhood: There's An App For That?

In some ways motherhood is easier than it's ever been. There's an app for potty training, sleep training and (I just purchased!) a clock that changes colors when kids are allowed to get up in the morning! Don't forget about baby carriers, car seat carriers, and Baby Einstein.

Most days I'm glad that I'm a mom today.

But I have to wonder: with all the advances, are we losing something?

I mean, after all, motherhood has (I assume) been just as fulfilling and meaningful for previous generations. (I feel safe assuming this because we still exist as a species... so there must be something appealing about it!) I also assume that previous generations didn't sit around doing nothing, and wishing "If only I had an electronic device to which I could give 4 hours of my attention!" And as far as I know- we still have just 24 hours in a day. 

So here's the strange thing I contemplate: What did we take out of our days to make room for the new gadgets?

Most of it (no doubt) was manual labor. But again, I know that previous generations didn't spend all waking hours laboring. So what about the relationship time? The social time? The interaction with others? What did they used to do, that we now fill with our new ways?

Don't get me wrong, I am not an "unplugged" kind of girl. (Clearly, as I write this in a blog). I belong to networks galore. Enjoy a good YouTube video. And I'm thankful that I can google just about ANYTHING that interests me. I love that I can stay connected with friends and family far away, and that everyone gets to see that cute new video of my son within minutes of it happening....I

And yet, I'm left thinking- maybe there was value to the slower pace. After all, it is how humanity has spent most of history. For example: transportation. Maybe there was value to walking alongside your child on the way to a neighbor's house? Maybe the fresh air, exercise, conversation, quiet, sounds of nature... were better for us than the gas fumes, cell phones, music blaring, DVDs playing, and traffic. Maybe there was something meaningful in the gaze of a newborn... instead of the glow of a screen? (Ouch).

Maybe in our quest to be the most-put-together-have-it-all-and-look-young-too woman, we lost touch with something else. The fast pace and glamorous appearance cost us something.

A little more time talking, less watching. More reading to, less reading online. I don't know- it's something I aspire to at least.

Wishing you (and me!) a slower-pace,

Wait, We're Doing What?

In my last post I talk about the new crazy, revolutionary experiment I'm trying.

Okay, let's just be honest. It's actually rather an OLD tradition... that I'm just now considering. I'm late to the party. But I like it better the first way I said it. It sounds more exciting.

Our mission, is to follow the principles of the Sabbath Manifesto, one day a week, for one month (then re-evaluate). I'm excited by this new idea... and a little nervous. I mean, what does one do all day if there is no laptop, cell phone or tv?

Turns out: a whole lot. Our first day's experiment left me with:

-a cleaner house

-yummier food (b/c I had plenty of time to contemplate and prepare it)

-more conversation with my husband than I've had in a month's time

-a house full of laughter

-a day full of sunshine (playing outdoors) and an evening full of candlelight. *sigh*

I'll admit, the first thing I did was forget about the new experiment (when my son requested "bear" on the tv). But after Hubby's reminder (and the sleep rubbed out of my eyes)... I started getting into it. We found ourselves stumped a few times... missing the easy distractions. But we dug deep into our creativity, and ended up at Fairytale town (a place we have wanted to take my son for a while... but hadn't seemed to find the time.)

At the end of the day, Hubby said- "Maybe we should just live life without tv." But I think he was just overcome with appreciation in the moment. It was a momentary lapse of sanity- right?

*gulp*

My Experiment..

What do you think of my new digs? Not bad, right? Many many thanks to Krystal Bagley of "The Clever Mommy Chronicles". If you're looking for graphic design services, I cannot recommend her enough. She is not only incredibly talented- she's also nice! Any project you can think of- I'm confident she could do it! (And pssst- she's an award winning blogger too!)
 


Now, in a valiant attempt to alert the irony police.... I'm gonna spend today talking about one of my favorite topics- Technology and Mental Health. More specifically- my own journey as I balance my love of technology and my love of being mentally healthy.

A few scary facts:
-The total average time [of television viewing] per household in 2005-06 was eight hours and 14 minutes per day.
     -- Reuters (September 22, 2006)

-Children ages 8–18 spend the following amount of time in front of the screen, daily:

     • Approximately 7.5 hours using entertainment media

     • Approximately 4.5 hours watching TV

     • Approximately 1.5 hours on the computer

     • Over an hour playing video games

          ..... and 25 minutes reading books.

     -- NIH

- The average parent spends 38.5 minutes per week in meaningful conversation with their children.

     -- (A.C. Nielsen Co.)

Yikes. I do not share these statistics from a place of finger-pointing superiority. Trust me on this. (As I type, my child is engrossed in Mickey- I'm embarrassed to say.) When I was preparing for a recent speaking gig, I came across these stats and let me tell you- they cut through me like a knife. No one understands the allure of tv like a mom-of-a-toddler-who-tries-to-work-from-home-two-days-a-week. *Insert blushing emoticon here*.

But no one understands the heart-breaking distance in today's modern family like a therapist-who-specializes-in-seeing-the-whole-family either...

What to do, what to do....?

So it seemed only appropriate that I stumbled across The Sabbath Manifesto - which you've probably seen me posting a great deal lately. Regardless of your faith background, I think this old idea's time has come. The creators of The Sabbath Manifesto encourage everyone to take one day a week to:

1. Avoid technology

2. Connect with loved ones

3. Nurture your health

4. Get outside

5. Avoid commerce

6. Light candles

7. Drink wine

8. Eat bread

9. Find silence

10. Give back

They even leave each item open to interpretation. (This is more a spirit of the law over letter of the law- kind of situation- and lets face it, some items may not work for you.)

So in my family, we've accepted the challenge. I'll be sharing our experiences in the next few days. For now, I want to give you a chance to consider- just ONE day a week... reconnecting with loved ones and stepping away from distraction. Statistically that ONE day will save you 8 hours of tv time as a family. Imagine what you could do with 8 collective hours!

Wishing you a connected family

Anxiety- Why God, Why?

........Anxiety bites.

There, I said it.

If you do not know this, it is because you
a. Don't Have Anxiety, or
b. Don't know someone who does

Otherwise I pretty much assume you know what I'm talking about, and we can go from there.

Here's the rub: some anxiety is good for you. I realize that sounds impossible, but imagine what would happen if you never felt pressure to perform. What if missing your term paper didn't produce any feelings of worry? Or how about your boss's opinion of your performance? You get the point: a little anxiety is necessary for society (and you) to go on functioning. Without it, we would all be a lot like the main character of "Office Space"... good for comedy; not so good if you prefer to have a home and eat food.

But what about when anxiety tips the scales beyond production into true suffering? What then? Well I'm glad you asked, because I have a theory! (Uh-oh, here it comes) But before I can tell it to you, lets review the prehistoric roots of our anxiety, shall we?

Once upon a time....

Our brains had to determine friend from foe... and quickly. When running into an animal in the forest, there was no time to create spread charts of pros vs cons. All we knew is, our survival depended on one thing: action. We didn't always know what the action ought to be... but we knew there ought to be some.

This call to act is now known as: fight or flight response. In other words, when prehistoric man was in an unfamiliar and/or dangerous situation... our prehistoric brains sent signals to our body. The signals went something like: "RED ALERT! RED ALERT! THAT ANIMAL WILL EAT YOU!" and then depending on your odds, the follow up signal was "FIGHT!" or if the predator was large: "RUN!" Our bodies were flooded with everything needed to make us move fast, and survive the fight or the chase. The way we digested food, the way we breathed, the way we heard, even the way our blood pumped... all were used in harmony to ensure our survival for that moment. Many years of human history perfected this operation. Because, as you might have guessed, any human who didn't experience the fight or flight reaction- was often lunch for the faster animals.

How does this apply to anxiety? Well that prehistoric "Fight or Flight" response is now known as anxiety. Modern humankind doesn't often find itself faced with the risk of becoming a meal. But try telling your brain that! You see, the brain is slooooow to evolve. It got the way it is over a long time. It's not going to change quickly.

Okay, how does this help you?

I believe this is good information for one reason: because once you understand your brain, you can make peace with it (little caveman that it is). When you experience anxiety, it is because your brain is telling to you to act. Remember, anxiety is our "Fight or Flight" response... it is a RED ALERT CALL TO ACTION for survival's sake.

Many people suffer under anxiety's weight: silent and still. I submit that this is the exact opposite of what you ought to do, because even in the year 2010- your body is still doing what it would have done in 1010 and 0010 to stay alive: it would have demanded action then, and it's demanding action now. The only way to get relief, therefore, is to give it what it wants....

In my next blog- I'll tell you how to do just that, and how to tell when anxiety is more than just that....

Deep Breaths,
Krysta Dancy

No, I Didn't Forget You!

I have to apologize for my absence lately. I know, I know. You were hanging on the edge of your seat after that cliffhanger ending in my last blog, right? Yup. I knew it.

Without further delay...
The Proper Care and Feeding of you Teen- Part II

Question: What one single thing may be to blame for teen attitude, obesity, ADHD and a host of other medical issues we see in teens?

Answer: Sleep loss.

Recently I was reading the book "Nurture Shock" by Bronson and Merryman. It has to be one of the best books I've read in a long time. Think: "Freakonomics" about kids. I thoroughly enjoyed it and plan to frequently refer to it. So get ready! But I digress.

In the book, the authors touch on the obesity epidemic among children, which seems to be spiraling out of control. They point out that many of the common scapegoats (tv watching, high fructose corn syrup, processed foods) don't hold up statistically. But what has gotten the attention of leading experts most recently: sleep loss. The truth is, kids and teens today get a great deal less sleep than their peers would have just 10 years ago. In fact, there is a direct correlation between sleep deficit and obesity.

And sleep loss doesn't just correlate with biological functions (such as metabolism and fat burning) The authors cite fascinating studies in which children are put to bed just one hour later for three days... which caused a loss of two grade levels on their academic testing! In the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", Weissbluth (a pediatric sleep specialist) correlates poor sleep in early childhood with poor adolescent sleep, ADHD, grades and even seizure disorders.

Most scary of all is the information on teens a sleep deprivation. Adolescents have a biological shift in their circadian rhythms. What does this mean? It means that the naturally occurring "sleepy" time we all feel as adults and small children- actually shifts 90 minutes later in an adolescent brain! Meaning that when a teen is forced to rise early (for school) they will not be able to make up for that sleep at night. In their study, 60% of Freshman got 8 hours of sleep. By Sophomore year? Just 30%.

Why does this matter? Because when teens walk around chronically sleep deprived, they actually double their rates of depression. Ask yourself this: "if you are sleep deprived for a week, how do you behave?" Moody? Irritable? Irrational? Distracted? Forgetful?  Now ask yourself: "what qualities in my teen drive me the most crazy?"..... BINGO! Which brings me to the earth-shattering information:

Much of what we consider "normal adolescent moodiness" is now being reexamined. It might actually be the consequences of long term sleep deprivation.

Because of this (and other) research, school districts across the country are considering a late start time. And the ones that implement it have had amazing results!

Our culture has pushed kids to accelerate. After school activities, AP classes, early college courses etc.... By itself, that's not a bad thing. However, when achievement is prided but sleep is not- what are the real long-term effects? Are they worth it? At a time when an estimated 20% of college students are on anti-depressants, ADHD diagnoses are on the rise, and obesity is declared epidemic; perhaps it is time we started touting the benefits of a free, natural remedy: sleep.

Wishing you a restful evening,

Krysta Dancy

Technology Fasting

I don't generally share personal things, for obvious reasons (first, to protect my personal life from my professional one. Second, because who wants to hear it anyway? ha!) And this may shock you, given the tone of my previous posts. But today I want to talk about something so important, I feel like I should come out of the closet:

I am a technological junkie.

There, I said it. Whew! I feel better. You might have read that sentence with images in your mind of someone with the latest and greatest technology. A Steve Jobs follower who buys tickets to stand in line for the thrill of buying the newest Apple creation. But nope, that's not even where I'm going with this.

Instead, what I mean is- technology has infiltrated every aspect of my life- to the point that it is impacting my personal relationships. Judge me if you must, but first ask yourself if this has ever happened to you:

Hubby: (walks in the door)
Me: (on the phone dealing with customer service, while facebooking on my laptop)
Hubby: (kisses my cheek and says hi)
Me: (barely registers the cheek kiss, and quickly returns it)
Hubby: (goes to change clothes)
Me: (Now surfing for a new recipe, while chatting with two friends, and updating my blog)
Hubby: (Returns to room and attempts to tell me a story from his day)
Me: (Realizes he's talking about halfway through his story and now must make awkward decision of whether or not to admit I don't know what he's talking about...)

Okay, so what did you notice here? The fact that I was completely not present? The fact that I missed various opportunities to connect? The fact that I quite possibly made my husband feel unimportant? Or how about the fact that this "scene" had .... NO DIALOGUE...?

.... Oops......

So what to do? Well perhaps a true junkie ought to go cold turkey. But I can "handle" moderation. Right? So now I'm on a tech fast (self-imposed). I can use the computer for work (which means expect a lot more blog updates- ha! :) ) And I'm free to watch the tv during the day (as if I have time for that). But when 5 pm rolls around... computer and tv are OFF.
And like a true junkie, the mere idea of this gives me chills. Whereas my evenings once seemed too full, they now span in front of me, looming large. What will we do with all that time? The answer so far: walk, exercise, sit outside, talk, read, clean, play... in a nutshell: live life.

Huh, so that's what this is about....


tags:counseling, counselor, depression, emotions, facebook, healthy attachment, ideas, love, marital counseling, marriage, motherhood, myspace, parenting, personal growth, pace of life, priorities, relationship counseling, relationships, self-help, technology and mental health, television, therapist, therapy, twitter

Technology and Mental Health

Yahoo was formed in 1995 and went public in 1996- immediately becoming a part of every young person's vocabulary. Offering free email addresses and a search engine, Yahoo was "it". Until...

Google files for incorporation Sep 1998, and not long after- everyone who's anyone "googles" their questions online.

In 2003 "Tom" created Myspace- arguably the first widespread social networking site. Old friends reunite and anyone "cool" has a Myspace page. Until...

Facebook (although created earlier) became open to everyone over age 13 in 2006. Offering status updates among other things, it becomes the newest "to the minute" way to keep in touch with friends.

Don't even get me started on Twitter...



Once upon a time we lived in a land where decades (or more!) passed between technological inventions. Whole (short) lifetimes existed, and for the most part, the old people didn't have to learn a whole lot "new". A father could pass on his knowledge about carpentry for example, and his son could continue the tradition more or less the way his dad did it. This was the case with most of human history. Change came slowly....

Let me make an obvious statement: this is not true any longer.

What was once the "it" invention, quickly becomes outdated. Inventors extol the virtue of their latest innovations, only to be outdone by competitors 6 months later. The Iphone becomes cheaper and outdated almost the second you buy it (grumble). It's an incredibly exciting time to be alive if you have a technologically gifted mind.

But what about the rest of us?

Throughout human history, we have evolved to accept a certain pace of life. Our minds, our understanding, our perspective are all based on a lifestyle that traveled (at fastest) by horse. To travel from A to B, took time. Your mind was free to wander. You breathed fresh air. Definitions of "road trip" did not include drive thrus, loud music, or speed traps. I would imagine that time spent getting from A to B allowed reflection, decompression, imagination, and if you were lucky- conversation.

So the question I want to pose is- how do you think it affects our minds that many of us literally never sit in silence without a monitor in front of us. Very few of us enjoy more than a few minutes of outside air a day (and usually only when walking from our cars). Our idea of "decompression" is to get Starbucks. Our idea of conversation is now often- text messages, status updates or email.

I enjoy modern comforts as much as anyone. I enjoy starbucks, road trips, facebook and blogging (clearly! ha!) But I'm left to wonder: what is it doing to me?

The human creature adapts slowly. It always has. A great example of this is our obesity epidemic. Our bodies have adapted since the beginning of time- to make the most out of every calorie. To store fat from foods so that we have it in famine. To prevent starvation. To give us energy for the next hunt. To ensure survival. Try telling your body, "I actually don't need you to store fat any longer and if you could just ignore the calories I'm sending- it would be great!" It won't listen (I've tried.)

It is no stretch to see that the human mind is likely the same. While we travel at 80 mph, drinking caffeine, sitting by artificial light until late at night, listening to music or tv constantly... what is our mind making of all this noise? Does our mind know what to do with it? Watching TV feels like rest at the time. But strangely, I don't walk away feeling rested.


Someday, one of the many things I would like to study is just that. We already know that exercise is good for the mind (see my earlier blog). What about fresh air? What about a slower pace? What about sunshine?

The mind is an organ that succumbs to physical realities just like your heart. If you abuse it endlessly- there must ultimately be a consequence. So what is that consequence?

All I know is, that when I get going really fast- I crave the technology. It is a struggle to push that power button off. But once I do, when I'm on the other side, I'm so grateful I did. I feel rested, calmer, happier, and more connected to my loved ones.

The irony that I write this on a blog is not lost on me. Ha! I love technology and love the additions it has brought to my life. So (like most things) it will have to be a balancing act. Anything short of living on a compound will require that I make friends with technology.

But I think the balance is worth striving for....

I'm curious- what is your experience with this? Do you feel technology has helped or harmed your emotional well-being? What do you do to decompress in a real way?