Fear Sells. Don't Buy.

For our ancestors bad news was a matter of survival.

Knowing which berries were poison, which cloud pattern indicated a storm, or which bird song meant danger: this kept them alive. On the other hand it wasn't helpful to remember which trees were prettiest in the fall. The most beautiful sunset they ever saw? Well that wasn't going to keep them alive either. Over time nature rewarded the worry-warts and we've been living that legacy ever since.

So it's not your fault, you see.
You're biologically programmed to fear.

Shame Is Sh*t

I don't believe in shame.

Oh I hear you now- but "what about when I do something really terrible Krysta? I should feel badly for it."

Yes. Feeling conviction or remorse is a healthy sign of an intact conscience; but that's not shame.

Like hopelessness, shame seeks to have the last word. It's a period at the end of the sentence which intends to gobble up anything that comes after. Shame is sticky and heavy and weighs you down.

When Someone You Love Has Awful Politics

As a therapist
I’ve seen eyes roll.
Arms crossed.
Yelling.
Personal attacks.
Paint-melting rage.
I’ve even seen a checkbook thrown across the room.

And none of this compares to what I have seen this election season.

Tarnished

This morning I found it. A necklace I had lost almost three years ago. The crazy thing is, it was right under my nose the whole time.

I had been looking for a different necklace on my jewelry holder. This lead me to search a little deeper than I normally would and that was how it caught my eye: a tiny delicate diamond on a silver chain. It was snarled in a much larger clump and I almost missed it.

It used to be bright silver, and that’s how I knew it.

The Story Of All Of Us

Photo By Henry Kowaleski

Once upon a time you were conceived. A bundle of potential, you were declared "good enough". In your personal Eden, life was complete. For a time you knew sufficiency.

Then you joined the outside world. Maybe this was met with rejoicing. Maybe it was met with silence and loneliness. Maybe you were cherished. Maybe you "cried too much".

And life happened. And the cherub slowly fell from grace.

Zero Dollars- Failed Guru

Hey. I'm glad you're here. I need to tell you something scandalous. Something that you rarely hear. Something that no one bothers to mention.

Are you ready?
Here it is:
Chances are, you're doing okay at this life.
(I mean, maybe you won't win any awards any time soon. But, you're most likely doing more good than bad, and more right than wrong.)

And I wanted to tell you that because (I don't know if you've noticed?) that doesn't get said a lot.

It's Too Late

You're already worthy.

When we operate from a place of total and complete comfort in our self-worth- the knowledge that there is nothing we have to do to earn it. It changes everything.

Suddenly you can drop the hustle. You know the one. The way you work so hard for your value. The way you BURN and STRIVE so that others will call you "good-enough".

When you *know*- there is no striving, there is no burning, there is only "good-enough" already... you can exhale. Perhaps for the first time.

So many people fear this space. They think it will look like mediocrity or underachievement. But oh, I guarantee you it is just the opposite! When we can get a handle on how exquisite and worthy we truly are, when we can drop the hustle, when we can exhale, we can actually BE all that we are meant to offer.

Like the most beautiful sunset you have ever seen, generously casting warmth and beauty, when we are seated in our own space of "worthy" we can finally BE worthy. Our glow isn't for anyone else's applause. Our glow simply IS.

You are already worthy. 

Helping Your Loved Ones With Trauma- 2 Minute Therapy

Licensed therapist Krysta Dancy talks about ways you can help your loved ones recover from trauma. A follow up to her earlier videos "What is Trauma" and "How to Treat Your Trauma"
*LINKS HERE*
Krysta Dancy talks about the best practices for treating trauma both at home and in the therapy office- a follow up to her earlier video "What Is Trauma"
*LINKS HERE*
"What is Trauma?"- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRCwt...
"How To Treat Trauma"- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k7gIY...
Krysta's Website- www.CounselingInRoseville.com
EMDR- Information and latest research- www.emdria.org

Common Sense Disclaimers- This is not a substitute for medical advice or for therapeutic advice. I do not know you personally. My advice cannot be seen as professional advice specific to your condition or needs. This video is intended for interest and information only and is never an implied professional relationship nor is it a substitute for one.

Yo, it's not "real"

Remember when you watched the Truman Show and you were all like, "Wow, this place he lives is freaking CREEPY?" *

Look at that creepy smile.
Courtesy of this link

And part of you was kind of like, "Duh Jim Carrey how could anyone accept this washed-out version of life as reality?" But oh yeah, that was the point.

And you were cheering along with him as he searched for the ultimate reality... on his quest to find Truth!?

And then... this moment happened.

A "Whoah" moment
courtesy of this link

Whoah.

His sailboat hits a wall. (Oh yeah, spoiler alert).

Immediately followed by this

A stairway from nowhere, now that's cool.
courtesy of this link

And all of a sudden, his entire WORLD was just busted open. He realized, the reality he had seen and accepted was in fact, manufactured by another. And that a much grittier, more real, more unpredictable reality actually existed. 

Well, I want you to have this moment. Track with me here....

 This is social media. It is contrived. It is a version of reality that other people want you to see. It is a version of reality. Meaning, in its own way, it IS reality. But it is not the whole of reality.

This is your Facebook feed blowing up on holidays with pictures of perfect families doing everything cute. This is your Twitter feed blowing up with pithy comments from everyone who is doing something amazing right now. This is your Instagram account overflowing with photos of hotness, happiness, or cuteness in some way. Sure, it is a real photo. But it is a version of reality that another person wants you to see.

So here is what I propose:

It's enough already. 

As someone who is in the "nitty gritty" with people on a daily basis, take my word on it: their crappy moments look a lot like your crappy moments. Neither of you post them online. 

And oh, for the love of God, can we stop acting like something didn't happen unless it is documented by at least 2 social media sources? The truth is, the moments we are the most fully present are the ones there is no photographic evidence of. Don't misunderstand me, I love posting photos as much as the next person. But its not my reality. It isn't the moments that count for the most. The moment I drink in, is the moment I get out from behind my Iphone, and actually WITNESS the event happening. That is what builds a life. The photos are only a memento. The experience is what counts.

So for today. Give yourself a break, okay? You only get one crack at this crazy ride called life. (At least, as far as we know). So maybe, just maybe, it can be time to truly and fully inhabit the life that you live. 

And let this:

Become this:

*If your answer is "no" then you're too young. It's probably past your bedtime. If its not past your bedtime I don't want to hear about it because that means that people are old enough to stay up late and STILL not know what the Truman Show is... and that is not a reality *I* am willing to accept.

If you like this post, you might like this one too.

Just Give Up Already!

We all have it: The Boiling Point.


It might not even make sense when it occurs. It could be a long time coming (stresses building up), or it could be seemingly out of nowhere. But when it hits: you know! Suddenly you become some weird, incomprehensible, lunatic version of yourself. This would be where a cartoonist would draw steam coming out of your ears, and googly eyes. Hubby and kids look out! *


You keep trying to keep it together. These Boiling Points usually come at the absolute worst times. You have a big event, an important meeting, a sick child... you get the point. Not now, you're thinking. Just hold off a little longer. I have X,Y, and Z to get done before I can really lose it.


But guess what? The Boiling Point doesn't care. The time is NOW and the place is HERE. 
I like to imagine the Boiling Point looks like this:

What's a smooth-sophisticated-adult like you to do? 


Give up.


Yup, that's right. Give up. 


If only for a moment, let go of any expectation, any work load, and accept defeat.  This will look different for all of you. For some, it's a longer lunch break while you hide in your office. For others, its a road trip. Or maybe you need to go a little nuts and just laugh hysterically. For you mommies, it might mean popping in that video** while you suck your thumb and rock in your bedroom repeating affirmations.


It might mean confessing your Boiling Point to another. It might mean having to ask for help. But I can guarantee you this- a Boiling Point is a gift. (Yes, really!) It is your inner-alarm system. It is telling you to do just that: "give up!" Its like your internal brain is saying, "Uh, hello? You really can't take it anymore. I'm going to short circuit until I incapacitate you to the point that you have no choice but to let go. Don't try to fight me. I'll make you look like an idiot."
(Which is really quite sophisticated language for that guy)


You see, the Boiling Point is here with a message. The message that you are overloaded and need a (brief) mental collapse. That might sound like a raw deal, but it's my personal opinion that the brief mental collapse prevents the major ones. So see, it really is a gift!


Next time, try giving up. It will be the best thing you can do- nothing at all!

Wishing you would just GIVE UP already,






*Please note: this is all hypothetical as I have never experienced any said unrefined melt-down. I've just heard of them.
** You know it, it's the one that makes you crazy and you never want to see again. But it somehow manages to enchant the ankle-biters.

No, I Didn't Forget You!

I have to apologize for my absence lately. I know, I know. You were hanging on the edge of your seat after that cliffhanger ending in my last blog, right? Yup. I knew it.

Without further delay...
The Proper Care and Feeding of you Teen- Part II

Question: What one single thing may be to blame for teen attitude, obesity, ADHD and a host of other medical issues we see in teens?

Answer: Sleep loss.

Recently I was reading the book "Nurture Shock" by Bronson and Merryman. It has to be one of the best books I've read in a long time. Think: "Freakonomics" about kids. I thoroughly enjoyed it and plan to frequently refer to it. So get ready! But I digress.

In the book, the authors touch on the obesity epidemic among children, which seems to be spiraling out of control. They point out that many of the common scapegoats (tv watching, high fructose corn syrup, processed foods) don't hold up statistically. But what has gotten the attention of leading experts most recently: sleep loss. The truth is, kids and teens today get a great deal less sleep than their peers would have just 10 years ago. In fact, there is a direct correlation between sleep deficit and obesity.

And sleep loss doesn't just correlate with biological functions (such as metabolism and fat burning) The authors cite fascinating studies in which children are put to bed just one hour later for three days... which caused a loss of two grade levels on their academic testing! In the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", Weissbluth (a pediatric sleep specialist) correlates poor sleep in early childhood with poor adolescent sleep, ADHD, grades and even seizure disorders.

Most scary of all is the information on teens a sleep deprivation. Adolescents have a biological shift in their circadian rhythms. What does this mean? It means that the naturally occurring "sleepy" time we all feel as adults and small children- actually shifts 90 minutes later in an adolescent brain! Meaning that when a teen is forced to rise early (for school) they will not be able to make up for that sleep at night. In their study, 60% of Freshman got 8 hours of sleep. By Sophomore year? Just 30%.

Why does this matter? Because when teens walk around chronically sleep deprived, they actually double their rates of depression. Ask yourself this: "if you are sleep deprived for a week, how do you behave?" Moody? Irritable? Irrational? Distracted? Forgetful?  Now ask yourself: "what qualities in my teen drive me the most crazy?"..... BINGO! Which brings me to the earth-shattering information:

Much of what we consider "normal adolescent moodiness" is now being reexamined. It might actually be the consequences of long term sleep deprivation.

Because of this (and other) research, school districts across the country are considering a late start time. And the ones that implement it have had amazing results!

Our culture has pushed kids to accelerate. After school activities, AP classes, early college courses etc.... By itself, that's not a bad thing. However, when achievement is prided but sleep is not- what are the real long-term effects? Are they worth it? At a time when an estimated 20% of college students are on anti-depressants, ADHD diagnoses are on the rise, and obesity is declared epidemic; perhaps it is time we started touting the benefits of a free, natural remedy: sleep.

Wishing you a restful evening,

Krysta Dancy

Confessions of a Therapist

I'm gonna level with you: today wasn't great.

I adore my job, and everything that goes with it. The chance to help people make real, meaningful change in their lives really gets me excited. The chance to offer support, encouragement, a listening ear, a sounding board, a solution, a safe place.... how could life get much better?

But some days the losses outnumber the wins.

Some days people get in their own way. Some days people don't want what I'm offering. Some days I mess up and get in my own way.... Yikes.... I hate those days the most.

I'm not supposed to have flaws, right? I am the paid expert in the room. The expert at "life, relationships and happiness", right? So what does it mean when I am the one who messes up?

I have no idea. But I hope it means I'm real. I hope it means I'm reachable. I hope it means I can relate to the one crying on the couch, because I have been that one crying on the couch. I hope it means I never begin to think I am infallible. I hope it means I remain genuine, humble and graceful.... and deep down- I hope those things count for more than perfection in my clients' eyes.

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow,
Krysta

Sleep, Dreams and Emotions

Have you ever gone to bed worried or angry and awakened feeling better about your circumstance? How about going to sleep while working on a project and waking with the answer in mind?  In recent years it has come to light that sleep is restorative for more than just your body and mind. REM sleep (the stage of sleep when you dream and your eyes twitch back and forth) is actually important for your emotional health.

I'm not talking about how rest improves mental health (although that's true too!) But we've heard that before. I'm talking about cutting edge research that suggests that sleep is needed to help your mind deal with your experiences. Psychologists and scientists alike believe that sleep "reorders" your feelings when you can't. It files them and categorizes them and makes sense of them. When you sleep, your brain is acutally doing important psychological work- and you get to sleep through it.


Once we realize that our brain is working hard all night- dreams begin to make more sense. They are (quite literally) pictures that represent emotions*. Most of the time the pictures are rather mundane housekeeping items. The represent nothing more than hum-drum mental filing. But every now and then we become plagued by repetitive or disturbing dreams and we can't shake them.

Dream analysis has been practiced perhaps forever. Since the dawn of man, we have struggled to make sense of what our mind does while we sleep. Kings often looked to dream interpreters to help them predict the future. Sometimes dreams were considered supernatural messages.

Modern dream understanding is less ethereal, but (I think) much more interesting! If dreams are nothing more than pictures which represent feelings, then our repetitive or bothersome dreams are simply HUGE METAPHORS. It's our mind sending up a flag to say, "Hello! Pay attention to this! You have an issue here!"

Let me give you an example: I once had a fish that I (sadly) knocked out of its bowl and didn't realize it for a while. The fish survived but I was quite upset by the image of my dear pet flopping and gasping for water. For years after, I would have (seemingly) random fish dreams. I know, its strange. But its a dream! The scenarios and settings differed, but in the dream I was always anxiety-ridden and searching for water for my fish.


I mostly dismissed these dreams until they became more frequent and upsetting. They finally had my attention. So I gave it some thought. I contemplated how I was feeling about life- what my stressors were. When that didn't work I thought about metaphors having to do with fish:

"Let's see... fish, water, can't breathe, gasping for air..... 'Fish out of water'!" Yup... the metaphor was GLARINGLY obvious. How could I have missed it? I had the dream because I was going through a time where I felt lost and out of place. I felt like I didn't belong and a sense of being out of my element. Additionally, I felt anxious and out of control of the situation- and I hadn't even given it much thought until my dream brought it to my attention!


Once I pinpointed the emotion, and began making positive changes in my life, the dreams went away as quickly as they had come.

So, my point is- sleep is good for more than the body. It can help regulate emotions and (sometimes) point us to address emotions we were unaware of. It allows us to categorize and make emotional sense of our experiences and feelings. In fact, what is blissful unconsciousness for us, is arguably when your brain works the hardest! So respect your bodies need for sleep. It is likely still more important than we realize.

And with that, I'm headed to enjoy my own sleep.

Krysta


*I cannot take credit for that term. A good friend of mine used it today. I liked it, so I stole it!