And Suddenly, You Realize...

No, I didn't forget that I promised to write more about marriage today, but I'm interrupting myself because sometimes... well sometimes you can't predict what will move you.



Today was just 'one of those days'. You know, the kind of day where you feel vaguely sensitive and agitated. Where your "to do" list isn't getting crossed off and your stresses seem to outnumber your happy thoughts. And then a friend of mine posted this link on Facebook... and my perspective changed in an instant.

 The Matthew's Story. WARNING: If you have experienced a traumatic illness for your child, or loss of your child- use caution when reading.

It's amazing how feeling a sense of the greater community (their suffering, their joy) will help you deal with even the worst days. All of a sudden, the things that were causing migraines seem insignificant and all you can do is whisper a prayer for a fellow human being while you hug your loved ones a little tighter.

I can't make sense of it all, I really can't. It begs much deeper questions than I have answers for. My heart aches.

And even stranger, I feel compelled to share their story. Interesting how the need for community is so deeply ingrained in us. Without even actually knowing them, I want others to hear their story- offer their love, support, sympathy, prayer.... And really, my "to do" list- whether it gets done or not- matters very little in this moment.

Wishing you health, love and the support of those around you,

What Is Marriage For?

"Dearly Beloved, we have gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Cindy and Paul*.... And now, the vows:

Paul: Cindy, I promise to feign interest in what you say while not really caring. I promise to be kind to our future children, but only be involved so long as you force the issue. I promise to only talk badly about you when you can't hear me. I promise to hold silent grudges for years at a time, only speaking my mind when I am so furiously angry that I can only scream hateful things. I promise to love you in "name" but not in deed.

Cindy: Paul, I promise to make passive-agressive remarks to you in front of our friends and family. I promise to ignore your sexual desires and needs until you give up. I promise to only keep some secrets. I promise to be bored by you and give up trying to connect. I promise to love you in "name" but not in deed."



********************************

Ouch, I hate even writing those words. They pain me. But I've got a point today and I'm going to make it directly: We care too much about the contract of marriage, and not enough about the heart of it.

In my work, I have seen people spend years and even decades in a loveless marriage. They gave up long ago. Their hearts have grown cold and the distance between them is infinite. Yet they ask me to: save their marriage. Translation- 'keep us from the shame, expense, and burden of divorce'.

And I have to say- "Are you even married now?" You look at your lifelong partner and lover, and only see cold distance. You are lonely in your own marriage. You fantasize about life apart. You burden your children and loved ones with the tension you've gotten used to. Is this the marriage you signed up for? Is this what you pictured on your wedding day?

It is time we stopped seeing a marriage as "saved" because two people remained legally married, and start seeing a "saved" marriage as a caring, loving, committed, trusting, connected partnership.

Ask yourself this: if my marriage stayed exactly as it is now for the rest of my life, would I be okay with that? And if your answer is "no!" then might I recommend you look into marriage enrichment now.... and not only when the piece of paper is on the line? Let's find the urgency and passion you once had for your marriage.

Life is so short... why not spend it with your best friend and partner?

ps- I'll be writing about "Can My Marriage Be Saved?"  next... stay tuned!

Infertility and Silence

While I frequently like to post funny or interesting things on here, today I'd like to take a (serious) moment to talk about a struggle dear to my heart: Infertility. Specifically, the silence surrounding it. This article says it best:

"One in eight American couples will experience infertility, and 1.1 million women will undergo treatment this year. That most won’t talk about it makes it that much more painful: A recent survey of infertility patients reveals that 61 percent hide the struggle to get pregnant from friends and family...."

The article goes on to say that most couples find it easier to claim they don't want children, than to talk about their infertility struggles.

To fear that you will never hold a child of your own is painful enough, but to then suffer that fear in silence and (sometimes) shame? In my mind that's unbearable. My heart hurts to imagine it.

I personally believe that the infertile suffer in silence mostly because of the reactions they have received when they were brave enough to speak. So today, I'd like to offer a list of ideas, should someone in your life be affected by infertility.

1. Please refrain from offering suggestions like: "Just relax/drink/go on vacation... it will happen." This minimizes the medical reality they are facing. Could you imagine saying that to someone diagnosed with cancer? The truth is: infertility is a real condition. It has medical causes. By telling someone to "relax", you are implying it is within their control. Translation: It is their fault.

2. Please don't take it personally when they excuse themselves from child-related events (baby showers for example). It is not a slight against you. It does not mean they wish you ill. Sometimes the gut-wrenching desire to have their own baby (never knowing if they will) becomes unbearable. Sometimes it hurts too much.

3. Please (if you are lucky enough to have your own child) put yourself in their shoes. Look at your own beautiful child and ask yourself: "What if I couldn't have this child? What if I didn't know that I would ever have him/her?" Then magnify that feeling infinitely....

4. Please be patient. The pain of infertility is far-reaching. It is not an injury that happens one day, and then you get over it. It is a re-injury. Month after month. Year after year. Holiday after holiday. The pain can subside and return. Medical intervention can offer renewed hope only to be devastated. Infertility is not something simple.

5. Please don't act like it's a taboo subject. Just like any other painful subject, sometimes the person wants to talk about it. And sometimes they don't. Infertility is no different in that way. If you don't know what to say, that's okay. Sympathy and a listening ear go a long way.

6. Please realize infertility can happen at any time. The questions about "adding number two" can bring about just as much pain. Many times there is an assumption that if you had a biological child you must not suffer from infertility. In reality, infertility can strike even those who have a biological child.

By no means am I an expert in this area. Just someone who feels the pain of my "sisters and brothers in arms". I don't want them to have to add loneliness to the list of pain they feel. As with every loss in life, community support can go a long way toward easing the burden of pain. I have been lucky to be educated by some close friends who suffer infertility, and I wanted to pass along some of what I've learned.

I think it's time to break some silence. Infertility is painful enough without the stigma that surrounds it.

And if you should know someone suffering from infertility who would benefit from counseling, please pass this along to them (or my website in general). I will soon be offering therapy for couples/individuals and groups with an infertility focus.

Wishing that you all would have love and support in your darkest moments,

You're Gonna Give Yourself A Heart Attack

You know how people say "he's gonna give himself a heart attack"? Turns out they may be on to something.

According to this article, the hormone cortisol is directly correlated to death by heart disease. In fact, you have a five times greater chance of dying by heart disease if you have high levels of cortisol. What causes high levels of cortisol? Stress.

(What is not mentioned in the article, is that even low-grade sleep deprivation can also cause high levels of cortisol- because it puts stress on your body). Even more interesting (to me at least) is that high levels of cortisol are related to obesity (especially belly fat), and poor metabolism. So you can see how all those things might equal a higher risk of death from heart disease.

So next time you are overwhelmed with stress in your day, just remember: you're killing yourself.

... ha. Just kidding. Like that would help you relax!

Instead, try remembering that your heart and health are more important than that moment's stress. Visualize a long, healthy life ahead of you. Remind yourself that this is (after all) one moment's stress... and doesn't need to affect a lifetime.

Wishing you heart health (both literal and metaphoric)

Why Do Women Do This?

If you have ever been pregnant... you KNOW what I'm talking about.

I put these encounters up there with the oh-so-helpful cliches:
"It will change your life forever"
"Things will never be the same"
"Sleep now while you still can!"

What if we lived in a world where every pregnant woman got greeted with- "Wow, I'm so happy for this new phase of your life. It is a blessing, and while some times are hard, I have total faith in your ability to figure this out like generations of women before you?"

.... or would that be equally annoying?

Okay, new plan: don't speak to pregnant women. Unless you are offering: chocolate, foot rubs, or compliments. In that order.

Ouch! Handling Critcism

Alright, I'm unveiling my new, embarrassing, dirty little secret.... I'm trying vlogging!

Don't hate on me! (Or maybe, do- b/c I'm good at handling it now!)

Optimism

In my job, people really only come to see me at the worst points of their lives. As they start to feel better, I see less and less of them. This means I'm doing something right. It also means I see lots of the hardships, and not alot of the optimism that exists. It's alright, I'm a naturally (ridiculously) optimistic person. It's one of my core beliefs.

But because it's Friday- I wanted to share what I heard:

Gallup (the poll people) randomly calls people during the day and asks them "how they feel" (kind of sounds like a therapist now that I think of it. Hmmm... maybe I'm onto a new marketing idea- cold calling random numbers and asking how they feel...ha! Could you imagine? I digress). Two of the options were: happy or stressed.

Given the state of the economy, and all the gloom and doom you hear on tv- what would YOU estimate the answers were?

NOPE! You're wrong! And even if you're not, just play along. It makes things more fun for me. (Sometimes I get a good deal on something and I'll ask my Hubby to guess how much it cost. He always lowballs his guess- just to steal my fun. Booger. The point is- play along here people!)





On September 7, 2010 people reported
63%- happy
8%- stressed


.... and if that was the number on a TUESDAY- I'm thinking a FRIDAY has to be even better, right? Ahhh, optimism and resiliency of the human spirit. That's what I'm talking about.

Happy Friday

Wait, We're Doing What?

In my last post I talk about the new crazy, revolutionary experiment I'm trying.

Okay, let's just be honest. It's actually rather an OLD tradition... that I'm just now considering. I'm late to the party. But I like it better the first way I said it. It sounds more exciting.

Our mission, is to follow the principles of the Sabbath Manifesto, one day a week, for one month (then re-evaluate). I'm excited by this new idea... and a little nervous. I mean, what does one do all day if there is no laptop, cell phone or tv?

Turns out: a whole lot. Our first day's experiment left me with:

-a cleaner house

-yummier food (b/c I had plenty of time to contemplate and prepare it)

-more conversation with my husband than I've had in a month's time

-a house full of laughter

-a day full of sunshine (playing outdoors) and an evening full of candlelight. *sigh*

I'll admit, the first thing I did was forget about the new experiment (when my son requested "bear" on the tv). But after Hubby's reminder (and the sleep rubbed out of my eyes)... I started getting into it. We found ourselves stumped a few times... missing the easy distractions. But we dug deep into our creativity, and ended up at Fairytale town (a place we have wanted to take my son for a while... but hadn't seemed to find the time.)

At the end of the day, Hubby said- "Maybe we should just live life without tv." But I think he was just overcome with appreciation in the moment. It was a momentary lapse of sanity- right?

*gulp*

My Experiment..

What do you think of my new digs? Not bad, right? Many many thanks to Krystal Bagley of "The Clever Mommy Chronicles". If you're looking for graphic design services, I cannot recommend her enough. She is not only incredibly talented- she's also nice! Any project you can think of- I'm confident she could do it! (And pssst- she's an award winning blogger too!)
 


Now, in a valiant attempt to alert the irony police.... I'm gonna spend today talking about one of my favorite topics- Technology and Mental Health. More specifically- my own journey as I balance my love of technology and my love of being mentally healthy.

A few scary facts:
-The total average time [of television viewing] per household in 2005-06 was eight hours and 14 minutes per day.
     -- Reuters (September 22, 2006)

-Children ages 8–18 spend the following amount of time in front of the screen, daily:

     • Approximately 7.5 hours using entertainment media

     • Approximately 4.5 hours watching TV

     • Approximately 1.5 hours on the computer

     • Over an hour playing video games

          ..... and 25 minutes reading books.

     -- NIH

- The average parent spends 38.5 minutes per week in meaningful conversation with their children.

     -- (A.C. Nielsen Co.)

Yikes. I do not share these statistics from a place of finger-pointing superiority. Trust me on this. (As I type, my child is engrossed in Mickey- I'm embarrassed to say.) When I was preparing for a recent speaking gig, I came across these stats and let me tell you- they cut through me like a knife. No one understands the allure of tv like a mom-of-a-toddler-who-tries-to-work-from-home-two-days-a-week. *Insert blushing emoticon here*.

But no one understands the heart-breaking distance in today's modern family like a therapist-who-specializes-in-seeing-the-whole-family either...

What to do, what to do....?

So it seemed only appropriate that I stumbled across The Sabbath Manifesto - which you've probably seen me posting a great deal lately. Regardless of your faith background, I think this old idea's time has come. The creators of The Sabbath Manifesto encourage everyone to take one day a week to:

1. Avoid technology

2. Connect with loved ones

3. Nurture your health

4. Get outside

5. Avoid commerce

6. Light candles

7. Drink wine

8. Eat bread

9. Find silence

10. Give back

They even leave each item open to interpretation. (This is more a spirit of the law over letter of the law- kind of situation- and lets face it, some items may not work for you.)

So in my family, we've accepted the challenge. I'll be sharing our experiences in the next few days. For now, I want to give you a chance to consider- just ONE day a week... reconnecting with loved ones and stepping away from distraction. Statistically that ONE day will save you 8 hours of tv time as a family. Imagine what you could do with 8 collective hours!

Wishing you a connected family

Anxiety Part II- Bringin The Point Home!

In my last article I talked about the roots of anxiety, and anxiety's purpose within your body. Today I'm gonna discuss how to apply that to your (non caveman) life in the year 2010. And how YOU can begin to take charge of your own anxiety.

This will directly pick up where we left off, so if you have not read it yet, I suggest you do so... so we're on the same page!

It is my personal theory, that once we understand anxiety's purpose (action) we can find meaningful ways to combat it... and even eventually use it as a force of good in our lives. Your anxiety is usually here to tell you something- and if you stop running and start listening... you just might make peace with it!

Anxiety's Messages- I believe all of anxiety can be boiled down into three categories:

1. "You should act!" - and you should!
2. "You should act!" - but you can't!
3. There is no action to take- what now?

Let's break them down-

1. "You should act!"- and you should!

In the case of number one, your anxiety is working with you. It is your friend here. Your anxiety is your warning system- letting you know: "Hey, something ought to be done here. This isn't working out." This could be simple: like a deadline approaching. It could be complicated: maybe you feel anxiety every time you leave for work. But the result is the same: your anxiety is trying to tell you something worthwhile. If you want it to go away... listen! I believe the majority of your run-of-the-mill-anxiety falls into this category. If you make friends with your anxiety, you just might realize it's time to work on that project of yours, or it's time to make a career move you've been putting off.

2. "You should act!"- but you can't!

Here's the trick for distinguishing #1 and #2: Do you have any ability to change the thing causing you anxiety? If the answer is yes: then see #1 again.  Give yourself a pep talk, and get to it! If the answer is no- then this is where your anxiety has started to go rogue on you. It is trying to be helpful, but silly little anxiety- it's not being! Examples of this would be- anxiety about others (other's feelings, other's actions), or anxiety about unpredictable possibilities (car accidents, air travel, someone you love getting sick) because these things are not within your control. Therefore, you can tell your anxiety- "Thank you, message received. I know you are trying to tell me to act. Usually you're my friend. In this case you're wrong though. I have no control here and you telling me to act will do nothing but cause me harm, so therefore I will let you go."

Sometimes, it's as simple as that. Other times... anxiety is harder to let go of, more pervasive, or more complicated to find the root. In this case, consider...

3. There Is No Action To Take- What Now?

This is what happens when you've gone through step 1 (done what you can), step 2 (released control over what you can't) and STILL can't seem to shake the anxiety. This is when the anxiety is persistent, and won't budge. Maybe you can't even figure out exactly WHAT you're anxious about! What the heck is going on here?

This is where we get into counseling territory. Your "fight or flight" survival instincts have gone haywire and are now bossing YOU around. You want to be free of it, but can't seem to shake it. It impacts your life or your happiness in negative ways, but you don't know what to do. This is where an experienced counselor (me? :) ) can do wonders.

Often (it is my opinion) this anxiety sticks around because there is more to it than meets the eye. Usually there are past experiences, hurts, and fears that are unresolved and are (unknown to you) causing you to now feel plagued by anxiety. By figuring out the true roots of the anxiety, you can try Steps 1 and 2 again- and finally have peace from your nagging friend.

That's all the time I have for now. As always, I welcome your comments or emails.