How To: Protect Your Kids From The Bad Guys

I usually don't like to write about this kind of thing. But I can't stop thinking about it.


We spend so much time trying to keep our kids safe. We research car seats and we shop organic and we don't let them play in the front yard without supervision. And our desire to keep our kids safe is so noble. It is so right.

But we are also getting it really, really wrong. 

Birth Trauma- Is It Real?

(Side note: You can read more about me and my therapy work with trauma here.)
Update: You can listen to my podcast interview on birth trauma here.
You can join a free Facebook support group for birth trauma here.

Early in my career, I became a mom. This meant, by whatever mysterious law governs these things, I began attracting other new moms to my practice. I felt honored to be trusted at such a sacred season of life.

And a funny thing happens when you listen to people, really listen. They start to tell you the things they don't usually say to others. They start to open up their stories and experiences as they trust your care.

And I began to notice something. At first I thought it was a coincidence.

But over time, the pattern held. And my curiosity got involved. Now it has been years. And the pattern still holds. And so I am beyond curious. I am on fire about it.

This pattern? Women with medically "normal" deliveries were ending up in my office with the symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from their birth experiences. WHAT?

Some of them met all the diagnostic criteria. But a larger portion had just enough PTSD symptoms that they were affecting their life. Their sleep, their relationships, their anxiety, their bonding with their infant... were all being affected.

Now I need to pause here and explain. We are taught in school that PTSD only happens after a specific series of experiences. Namely, that the experience in question has to feel life-threatening. Otherwise, it's not PTSD. At least, this is what we are taught. (Thankfully this is slowly changing.)

So my mind wasn't primed to believe this was possible in any more than a few women. Sure, if a woman had a dangerous death-defying birth experience then PTSD would make sense. But this large group of women who didn't fear for their lives or their baby's? How could this be? What in the hell is happening here?

No lie, I used my professional access to ask this question of the foremost trauma experts in the field. And I got... nowhere. Blank stares and confusion at the question mostly.

So (a post for another day) I have dedicated a great deal of my professional life understanding this phenomenon. I trained as a doula (birth attendant) and I am currently researching this topic. We are only just beginning to acknowledge this trend exists as a profession. I know very few fellow clinicians who are aware of this and working on it. But don't worry, we are. I have heard you. I carry you in my heart. You are seen.

For those of you who found your way here because you think you might be suffering symptoms of Birth Trauma, here's what I want you to know.

- You can love your baby and be grateful for your baby's health and still have birth trauma. People who suggest "just be thankful for a healthy baby" don't get it. They mean well but they are shaming you. Do not listen to them. What you feel matters.

- You can have a medically normal birth and still have PTSD symptoms. In fact, most women suffering with birth trauma had medically normal births.

- You are not alone. In fact, research suggests more than 30% of women have trauma after their birth. And no, they are not okay either.

- There is hope. There are many therapies that work quickly and effectively on birth trauma. These include EMDR or Brainspotting (I offer these, click for the link). My research tells me that other treatment which might be helpful would include narrative-based therapies and other body-based therapies.

So what are some signs of Birth Trauma? Well, that's a trickier question than you would think. As of yet, we have no diagnostic criteria that we agree on as a profession. So I will just offer what I observe based on my experience and reading. If you have any of the following, you might have birth trauma.

1. Intrusion: This can be flashbacks, dreams or intrusive memories. For many of my moms, it is the sense that their birth memories (once triggered) plays through in their brain whether they want it to or not. They find it distracting, distressing or in some way unpleasant. At the same time, it happens more often than they want.

2. Mood and Beliefs: This can vary greatly by person. But generally there is some mood or belief consequence to what you're experiencing. It might include- anxiety, depression, guilt, anger, numbness, or emotional disconnection. It is an all-encompassing category that means these symptoms are having a negative effect on your life, whether internally or in relationships.

3. Avoidance: This one I find is less frequent. Some moms find they avoid things that trigger the upsetting part of their birth experience. In some cases this means they might even avoid their baby at times. I personally have found that this is variable. Some women experience it and others do not.

4. Arousal: This is a state of heightened emotions or attention. It can look like anxiety, an exaggerated startle response, or irritability. In new moms it can look like intense fear of germs, or other people holding baby, or a compulsion to watch baby while sleeping. It is as if (while part of you is so tired!) the other part of your brain is on high alert; ready for any possible danger whether real or imagined.

If you, or someone you love, recognizes their experiences in this list- please know you are not alone. Please know there is help for you. Please find a therapist who is experienced with trauma treatment. And find someone who will treat this seriously regardless of what the manuals say. One who will treat you as an individual. One who will believe you and your story. It can make all the difference.

And please know, that you have an ally. We are a small group but we are growing. We are listening. Birth trauma is real and women and babies deserve better.

Wishing you healing for your journey,

All That Matters Is- You Have A Healthy Baby

"Well," patting her on the hand "all that matters is- you have a healthy baby."

I watch her deflate. Her courage sags away from her. It was scary to tell the truth. Now she feels ashamed. She agrees out of embarrassment.

No! I want to say.

NO! That is not "all that matters".  Because a healthy mom matters too.

Sometimes we wear our scars on the outside. But sometimes the scars are hidden, and no less deep.

Sometimes our scars are in our sense of violation. When our body is not treated as our own.
Sometimes it is our sense of powerlessness. When our voice is ignored or mocked.
Sometimes it is in primal fear. When our lives hang in the balance and no one is giving any answers.
Sometimes it is in the rip of our mother's heart. When our baby is taken away and no one will tell us why.
Sometimes it is in our desperate loneliness. When we enter the gates of deep, dark, reckoning. And we do it without support. Utterly alone.

The scars we wear on the inside are just as real.
The health of a mother matters just as much.

A healthy baby isn't all that matters.

I am here. I hear you. I see you. I acknowledge your scars both seen and unseen. You matter to me mama. You matter to me.

Tell your stories mamas. Your pain is real. Your trauma is real.

How To Stop School Shootings

Image credit here

Well I'm going to venture into gray area today: school shootings

And you know what's sad? I can write this today and know with certainty it will become timely again and again.

And while politicians and talking heads will yell at one another about this issue, I have my own take on it. As a mother and therapist to families and adolescents. I have my own perspective on what is happening here.

We have a mental health crisis in the country. We are failing ourselves and our young people.

Let me lay this out for you. Your brain is an organ. 
Your organs are biological.
They are susceptible to disease.
They are injured by trauma.
They are affected by your health.

Your brain (the thing that runs your decisions, your feelings, your moods, your actions) is a flesh and blood organ that is made better or worse by your life choices. Just like your heart.

Here's the difference. If your heart stops beating it only hurts you and those you love. If your brain stops working you can become deadly.

In my professional opinion- this is not about video games. It is not about a justified rage. It is not about bullying. It is about mental illness. Pure and simple. How do I know?
- Do you watch movies or play games with violent actions in them?
- Do you feel rejected by others sometimes?
- Did you ever feel bullied or unliked by peers?
- Are people ever mean to you?
- Do you write manifestos and go on killing sprees?

See my point?

We have a mental health epidemic. We prescribe more and more psychotropic medication every year. Last statistic I read placed parents at about 1/5 that are currently on some form of mood medication. We are not well. And we are raising our kids to be unwell.

If I had a magic wand here's what I would do.
1. Move back school start times to 9:30 am for adolescents (read latest research on how circadian rhythyms and sleep deprivation affect adolescents. It is frightening). This is proven to lower the incidence of depression and school dropouts significantly within one year's time.
2. Create health classes in school that educate young people on the following:
     How sleep affects your body
     How technology affects your body
     How light exposure affects mood and circadian rhythms
     How nutrition affects the brain
    What are the warning signs of depression, anxiety and psychosis?
3. Staff every high school with mental health professionals. (I'm not talking about guidance counselors. I am talking about licensed mental health providers who have constant access to kids.) Give them the authority to
     Screen every kid every year for mental health issues
     Jointly work with the teen's family support to address mental health issues.
     See a teen regularly who is going through mental health issues.
     Pull any child at any time that they feel is in crisis, without academic repercussions.
     Make referrals and fast-track kids they feel are in crisis
4. Only give a teen antidepressants if they will see a mental health provider at least 2x a week for at least 8 weeks following the new prescription. (Read up on antidepressant use in teens and its ridiculously high rate of suicide and manic behavior. Teen bodies don't respond like adults do).
5. Structure school activities so that teens see sunlight before noon every day to regulate their circadian rhythms and lower incidence of mood disorders.
6. Structure school activities so that teens are moving their bodies every day, outdoors if possible for the same reason.

I would be willing to bet that if a school were willing and able to make these changes, their risk of a school shooting from a student would be almost nil.

We are unwell. We are not addressing our unwellness.

We think adolescents are meant to be depressed, exhausted, and unwell. This is NOT TRUE. Research proves that it is not true.

We accept sickness because we don't know what health looks like. 

And we accept sickness because we have removed power from anyone who knows how to diagnose a mental health crisis.

I could see a person in my office, be certain that they are danger to themselves or society, but if they are not an imminent threat with an identifiable target... I have no power. Zero. Nothing can be done. They will go back out into the world without a tether. And when they finally do act out, there will be people looking to cast blame. But where can it rest? There is no one to speak for the mentally ill. We have erred on the side of their autonomy because we don't want to make the mistakes of our past. But is this better? The mentally ill make up the majority of our homeless population. The mass shootings are done by the mentally ill. Is this better?

I don't believe it is.

The truth is, this can be changed. But this isn't sexy. It doesn't sound good in clips. It isn't going to be yelled by a talking head. So the necessary changes are ignored.

We have advocates for heart health and against the obesity epidemic. And that's important. Please don't misunderstand me. But if your heart fails or you are overweight- you hurt only yourself and those who love you. Mental illness affects us all. But we are silent about it. That has to change.






PS- If you're new here, I'm a therapist in Roseville, CA
PPS- If you liked this post about teens, try this one.
PPPS- If you like posts about technology and mental health try this one or this one.

My Theory Of Everything (Motherhood)

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time, women learned about the ancient traditions of motherhood through experience. The age gap between mother and child was short: generations were compact. Extended families dwelled together, weaving mother and child, niece and cousin, until a tapestry of women all coexisted along the life span.

There were no retirement communities, no preschools. Babies bounced on old knees. Aunts were both sisters and mothers. To look from the outside, one would not easily know the dividing lines between each family. Who belonged to whom? They all belonged to each other.

By the time a girl became a woman, and then a mother, she had all the benefit of this multi-generational school of life. Since the time she was born, she had seen people pregnant, give birth, raise children, grow old and die. The lifespan was a continuum on display at every moment. Life, and its traditions, were mapped out in living color.

When her time came to give birth, she would do so in the manner of her people. She would know every part of this rite of passage- having witnessed it countless times. She would be surrounded by her fellow women, each one having experience, wisdom, and strength to share.

Her baby would be no mystery to her, having cared for her siblings, nieces, nephews and cousins her entire life. What to do when baby cries? How to feed baby? How to hold baby? How to get baby to sleep?... she would have learned by watching and doing. She would have learned at the feet of the eldest woman of her family. She would have learned by tradition.

…. Times have changed. In many ways, they have changed for the better. Modern medicine, institutions of education, women’s equality, birth control… all these things have meant dramatic change for the lifespan of a woman.

No longer do we share our daily lives with our elders, learning from their wisdom. Modern medicine has meant that the elderly live much longer- but they do so in separation. And when they die, they die without grandchildren at their feet.

We benefit from schools. Widespread literacy is a wonderful accomplishment. It has meant equality and opportunity like the world has never before seen. But it also means we do not learn at the side of our mothers. We do not take in their instruction through observation.

Women now get a choice over their life’s path. They can delay parenthood, or avoid it altogether. They can pursue any goal they choose. This also means that when a woman chooses to be a mom her mother is often older; and her friends in a different life stage.

No longer do we share our homes. We move cross-country. We work sun up to sun down. We go to organized events. We park and close our garages. Our children play behind fences.

Some changes are for the better. Some are not.

What does this mean?

When a woman chooses to become a parent, she suddenly realizes what is missing. Classes, and doctor visits, and books, and websites must suddenly make up for a lifetime of lost learning. Childbirth educators, obstetricians, doulas, lactation consultants, pediatricians… all struggle to fill in the gap. The missing tradition. The missing roots. The missing support. The missing narrative. The missing mothering.

And while there is a plethora of information out there, there is an absence of connection. It feels like a generation of women flying “solo”, flying blind.

For you see, even if you are lucky enough to replace the “tribe” from above with one of your own making (through friendships)… you will soon learn that there are many dividing lines now. Natural birth or medicated? Breast or bottle? Co-sleeping or crib? Cry-it-out or attachment-parenting? Ferber or Sears? Stroller or Ergo? Preschool or homeschool or unschool? Work-outside-the-home or stay-at-home? The list is endless.

…And we fight, and we pick labels, and we blame, and we polarize ….

… And we substitute judgment and righteous indignation for inner knowing…

Because what we’re trying to capture here, what we’re desperately seeking: is the wisdom of generations. The wisdom of a wise grandma with a wink. The wisdom of sisters, aunts, mothers and friends who will wipe your brow and whisper “You can do this, you have the strength of a million women behind you”.

So I want to say, whether you know it or not, whether you feel it or not: 

You have the strength of a million women behind you.

Find the women in your life who will tell you that. Cling to them. Forget the rest.

Photo Credit: B℮n via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: lifeography® via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: Quique Mañas via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: Matilde B. via Compfight cc

When I Need To Kick A Little Butt

I have a good luck charm.

Okay, don't laugh at me. I realize that this might sound ridiculous. And for the record... I don't really believe it brings me good luck in the traditional sense. But this one article is my "go-to" whenever I need to remember that I'm a part of something bigger than myself. Whenever I need to remember that I have a cheering section behind me. Whenever I need a little extra feisty edge.

Are you ready? Here it is:

 

In case you can't see it (let's face it, my photography isn't particularly stunning). Its a small gold necklace with the letter "M" in fancy script on the front. The "M" stands for Marie: my grandmother's name, my great-grandmother's name, and my middle name. This necklace has been around for at least 100 years, and I get to have it for no good reason- except the name I was given at birth. How cool for me? (Sorry, Sis!)

My grandmother who wore this necklace was a feisty wartime bride who lived out most of her young motherhood in foreign countries where she didn't speak the language or know a soul. And she did it while never forgetting her lipstick or her pearls I'm certain. Now, don't go feeling sorry for her. She wouldn't appreciate it. Marie was a strong individual (who was an acquired taste) that would judge our presidents by their first lady (I like to think of it as feminist of her).

She once walked up to a stranger with a Washington DC license plate which read: "Taxation Without Representation" and said to him: "I don't think you all should have the vote. You have the nicest and cleanest streets already."

I mean really, what do you say to that?

She believed children were to be seen and not heard (that included her own grandchildren). And she also wore Estee Lauder faithfully every day of her life. When she died, there were TUBS of the stuff in her refrigerator. Why she bought in such bulk, I don't know. But that was her in an nutshell: expensive face cream bought in bulk, gold jewelry and fancy hair with a simple button-down collared shirt. She was quite a lady.

And so, when I need to remember that her blood runs through my veins, I wear this necklace. (Oh okay, and sometimes I wear it because it matches my outfit.) But I always think about her when I put it on: my namesake.

And mostly what I contemplate (for half a second while getting ready, because, really: moms don't have a lot of prettifying time) is that part of growing up is looking at your ancestry with all their flaws. Really knowing their warts and seeing them for what they are... and then loving the good of them, and honoring it in yourself.

And then I stop being so deep, and look at the clock, and realize I'm running late for the office again.

Wishing you roots that run deep,

Krysta

"What's It Like Parenting Tweens and Teens?"

Today I took a blogging challenge, to answer the question: "What's It Like Parenting Tweens and Teens?"

My first responses were things along the lines of:

- Ever been sucker-punched in the gut? Then hugged? Then kicked in the groin?

- It's like trying to dress up a cat, with claws.

- It's like trying to keep a grip on a water worm (do you remember those things?)

- Running in quicksand?

- Or how about: It's like telling a cat to sit.

Why do so many of my teen parenting metaphors have to do with cats? Come to think of it, maybe it makes sense. They give affection on their terms. They come home only to be fed. They sleep all the time.... Maybe I'm on to something.

As a therapist who specializes in working with adolescent girls- I can tell you one thing parenting a tween or teen is not: EASY. You spend your entire life loving and nurturing this little being who depends on you for everything. And then one day you turn around and not only do they want NOTHING to do with you. But you're the singular most STUPID human being on the planet. Sound familiar?

Here's the good news- It's completely normal. (Or is that bad news?) Adolescence has been called "The Rise of Narcissism". Which I think is the most accurate description of a time period that (at any other age) would be considered mental illness.

To put it in layman's terms: Your child is SUPPOSED to fight against the powers that be. They are SUPPOSED to challenge, and push, and wrestle, and in general be uncomfortable in their own skin. Why? Because this is the launching pad for adulthood.
And just like the butterfly must claw, scratch and eat it's way out of the cocoon, the teen must struggle for their own new identity.

If they never cast off the rules/expectations put on them, then they will never figure out which of those they ultimately want to internalize. (And yes, they do ultimately end up internalizing a great deal of them). Does this mean you just give up? Accept their challenge without pushing back? Hardly. But what it does mean- is that the struggle is normal and, more than that: healthy. A teen who never pushes is not on their way to developing identity. So, on those days that you're ready to pull your hair out (or commit your first act of child abuse) just know- this is a good sign.*

Even more good news: If you feel like you don't recognize your teen some times, you're not supposed to. They don't recognize themselves much of the time. They're changing daily in their quest for identity.

If you're looking for more information on how to make this crazy relationship work, check out an older post of mine: "The Proper Care And Feeding Of Your Teen" Part I  and Part II

Wishing you sanity and ports in the storm,

*There are times when teen behavior signals a deeper problem that might need attention. I'll address this separate but extremely important topic later this week.

Motherhood: There's An App For That?

In some ways motherhood is easier than it's ever been. There's an app for potty training, sleep training and (I just purchased!) a clock that changes colors when kids are allowed to get up in the morning! Don't forget about baby carriers, car seat carriers, and Baby Einstein.

Most days I'm glad that I'm a mom today.

But I have to wonder: with all the advances, are we losing something?

I mean, after all, motherhood has (I assume) been just as fulfilling and meaningful for previous generations. (I feel safe assuming this because we still exist as a species... so there must be something appealing about it!) I also assume that previous generations didn't sit around doing nothing, and wishing "If only I had an electronic device to which I could give 4 hours of my attention!" And as far as I know- we still have just 24 hours in a day. 

So here's the strange thing I contemplate: What did we take out of our days to make room for the new gadgets?

Most of it (no doubt) was manual labor. But again, I know that previous generations didn't spend all waking hours laboring. So what about the relationship time? The social time? The interaction with others? What did they used to do, that we now fill with our new ways?

Don't get me wrong, I am not an "unplugged" kind of girl. (Clearly, as I write this in a blog). I belong to networks galore. Enjoy a good YouTube video. And I'm thankful that I can google just about ANYTHING that interests me. I love that I can stay connected with friends and family far away, and that everyone gets to see that cute new video of my son within minutes of it happening....I

And yet, I'm left thinking- maybe there was value to the slower pace. After all, it is how humanity has spent most of history. For example: transportation. Maybe there was value to walking alongside your child on the way to a neighbor's house? Maybe the fresh air, exercise, conversation, quiet, sounds of nature... were better for us than the gas fumes, cell phones, music blaring, DVDs playing, and traffic. Maybe there was something meaningful in the gaze of a newborn... instead of the glow of a screen? (Ouch).

Maybe in our quest to be the most-put-together-have-it-all-and-look-young-too woman, we lost touch with something else. The fast pace and glamorous appearance cost us something.

A little more time talking, less watching. More reading to, less reading online. I don't know- it's something I aspire to at least.

Wishing you (and me!) a slower-pace,

Infertility and Silence

While I frequently like to post funny or interesting things on here, today I'd like to take a (serious) moment to talk about a struggle dear to my heart: Infertility. Specifically, the silence surrounding it. This article says it best:

"One in eight American couples will experience infertility, and 1.1 million women will undergo treatment this year. That most won’t talk about it makes it that much more painful: A recent survey of infertility patients reveals that 61 percent hide the struggle to get pregnant from friends and family...."

The article goes on to say that most couples find it easier to claim they don't want children, than to talk about their infertility struggles.

To fear that you will never hold a child of your own is painful enough, but to then suffer that fear in silence and (sometimes) shame? In my mind that's unbearable. My heart hurts to imagine it.

I personally believe that the infertile suffer in silence mostly because of the reactions they have received when they were brave enough to speak. So today, I'd like to offer a list of ideas, should someone in your life be affected by infertility.

1. Please refrain from offering suggestions like: "Just relax/drink/go on vacation... it will happen." This minimizes the medical reality they are facing. Could you imagine saying that to someone diagnosed with cancer? The truth is: infertility is a real condition. It has medical causes. By telling someone to "relax", you are implying it is within their control. Translation: It is their fault.

2. Please don't take it personally when they excuse themselves from child-related events (baby showers for example). It is not a slight against you. It does not mean they wish you ill. Sometimes the gut-wrenching desire to have their own baby (never knowing if they will) becomes unbearable. Sometimes it hurts too much.

3. Please (if you are lucky enough to have your own child) put yourself in their shoes. Look at your own beautiful child and ask yourself: "What if I couldn't have this child? What if I didn't know that I would ever have him/her?" Then magnify that feeling infinitely....

4. Please be patient. The pain of infertility is far-reaching. It is not an injury that happens one day, and then you get over it. It is a re-injury. Month after month. Year after year. Holiday after holiday. The pain can subside and return. Medical intervention can offer renewed hope only to be devastated. Infertility is not something simple.

5. Please don't act like it's a taboo subject. Just like any other painful subject, sometimes the person wants to talk about it. And sometimes they don't. Infertility is no different in that way. If you don't know what to say, that's okay. Sympathy and a listening ear go a long way.

6. Please realize infertility can happen at any time. The questions about "adding number two" can bring about just as much pain. Many times there is an assumption that if you had a biological child you must not suffer from infertility. In reality, infertility can strike even those who have a biological child.

By no means am I an expert in this area. Just someone who feels the pain of my "sisters and brothers in arms". I don't want them to have to add loneliness to the list of pain they feel. As with every loss in life, community support can go a long way toward easing the burden of pain. I have been lucky to be educated by some close friends who suffer infertility, and I wanted to pass along some of what I've learned.

I think it's time to break some silence. Infertility is painful enough without the stigma that surrounds it.

And if you should know someone suffering from infertility who would benefit from counseling, please pass this along to them (or my website in general). I will soon be offering therapy for couples/individuals and groups with an infertility focus.

Wishing that you all would have love and support in your darkest moments,

Wait, We're Doing What?

In my last post I talk about the new crazy, revolutionary experiment I'm trying.

Okay, let's just be honest. It's actually rather an OLD tradition... that I'm just now considering. I'm late to the party. But I like it better the first way I said it. It sounds more exciting.

Our mission, is to follow the principles of the Sabbath Manifesto, one day a week, for one month (then re-evaluate). I'm excited by this new idea... and a little nervous. I mean, what does one do all day if there is no laptop, cell phone or tv?

Turns out: a whole lot. Our first day's experiment left me with:

-a cleaner house

-yummier food (b/c I had plenty of time to contemplate and prepare it)

-more conversation with my husband than I've had in a month's time

-a house full of laughter

-a day full of sunshine (playing outdoors) and an evening full of candlelight. *sigh*

I'll admit, the first thing I did was forget about the new experiment (when my son requested "bear" on the tv). But after Hubby's reminder (and the sleep rubbed out of my eyes)... I started getting into it. We found ourselves stumped a few times... missing the easy distractions. But we dug deep into our creativity, and ended up at Fairytale town (a place we have wanted to take my son for a while... but hadn't seemed to find the time.)

At the end of the day, Hubby said- "Maybe we should just live life without tv." But I think he was just overcome with appreciation in the moment. It was a momentary lapse of sanity- right?

*gulp*

My Experiment..

What do you think of my new digs? Not bad, right? Many many thanks to Krystal Bagley of "The Clever Mommy Chronicles". If you're looking for graphic design services, I cannot recommend her enough. She is not only incredibly talented- she's also nice! Any project you can think of- I'm confident she could do it! (And pssst- she's an award winning blogger too!)
 


Now, in a valiant attempt to alert the irony police.... I'm gonna spend today talking about one of my favorite topics- Technology and Mental Health. More specifically- my own journey as I balance my love of technology and my love of being mentally healthy.

A few scary facts:
-The total average time [of television viewing] per household in 2005-06 was eight hours and 14 minutes per day.
     -- Reuters (September 22, 2006)

-Children ages 8–18 spend the following amount of time in front of the screen, daily:

     • Approximately 7.5 hours using entertainment media

     • Approximately 4.5 hours watching TV

     • Approximately 1.5 hours on the computer

     • Over an hour playing video games

          ..... and 25 minutes reading books.

     -- NIH

- The average parent spends 38.5 minutes per week in meaningful conversation with their children.

     -- (A.C. Nielsen Co.)

Yikes. I do not share these statistics from a place of finger-pointing superiority. Trust me on this. (As I type, my child is engrossed in Mickey- I'm embarrassed to say.) When I was preparing for a recent speaking gig, I came across these stats and let me tell you- they cut through me like a knife. No one understands the allure of tv like a mom-of-a-toddler-who-tries-to-work-from-home-two-days-a-week. *Insert blushing emoticon here*.

But no one understands the heart-breaking distance in today's modern family like a therapist-who-specializes-in-seeing-the-whole-family either...

What to do, what to do....?

So it seemed only appropriate that I stumbled across The Sabbath Manifesto - which you've probably seen me posting a great deal lately. Regardless of your faith background, I think this old idea's time has come. The creators of The Sabbath Manifesto encourage everyone to take one day a week to:

1. Avoid technology

2. Connect with loved ones

3. Nurture your health

4. Get outside

5. Avoid commerce

6. Light candles

7. Drink wine

8. Eat bread

9. Find silence

10. Give back

They even leave each item open to interpretation. (This is more a spirit of the law over letter of the law- kind of situation- and lets face it, some items may not work for you.)

So in my family, we've accepted the challenge. I'll be sharing our experiences in the next few days. For now, I want to give you a chance to consider- just ONE day a week... reconnecting with loved ones and stepping away from distraction. Statistically that ONE day will save you 8 hours of tv time as a family. Imagine what you could do with 8 collective hours!

Wishing you a connected family

No, I Didn't Forget You!

I have to apologize for my absence lately. I know, I know. You were hanging on the edge of your seat after that cliffhanger ending in my last blog, right? Yup. I knew it.

Without further delay...
The Proper Care and Feeding of you Teen- Part II

Question: What one single thing may be to blame for teen attitude, obesity, ADHD and a host of other medical issues we see in teens?

Answer: Sleep loss.

Recently I was reading the book "Nurture Shock" by Bronson and Merryman. It has to be one of the best books I've read in a long time. Think: "Freakonomics" about kids. I thoroughly enjoyed it and plan to frequently refer to it. So get ready! But I digress.

In the book, the authors touch on the obesity epidemic among children, which seems to be spiraling out of control. They point out that many of the common scapegoats (tv watching, high fructose corn syrup, processed foods) don't hold up statistically. But what has gotten the attention of leading experts most recently: sleep loss. The truth is, kids and teens today get a great deal less sleep than their peers would have just 10 years ago. In fact, there is a direct correlation between sleep deficit and obesity.

And sleep loss doesn't just correlate with biological functions (such as metabolism and fat burning) The authors cite fascinating studies in which children are put to bed just one hour later for three days... which caused a loss of two grade levels on their academic testing! In the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", Weissbluth (a pediatric sleep specialist) correlates poor sleep in early childhood with poor adolescent sleep, ADHD, grades and even seizure disorders.

Most scary of all is the information on teens a sleep deprivation. Adolescents have a biological shift in their circadian rhythms. What does this mean? It means that the naturally occurring "sleepy" time we all feel as adults and small children- actually shifts 90 minutes later in an adolescent brain! Meaning that when a teen is forced to rise early (for school) they will not be able to make up for that sleep at night. In their study, 60% of Freshman got 8 hours of sleep. By Sophomore year? Just 30%.

Why does this matter? Because when teens walk around chronically sleep deprived, they actually double their rates of depression. Ask yourself this: "if you are sleep deprived for a week, how do you behave?" Moody? Irritable? Irrational? Distracted? Forgetful?  Now ask yourself: "what qualities in my teen drive me the most crazy?"..... BINGO! Which brings me to the earth-shattering information:

Much of what we consider "normal adolescent moodiness" is now being reexamined. It might actually be the consequences of long term sleep deprivation.

Because of this (and other) research, school districts across the country are considering a late start time. And the ones that implement it have had amazing results!

Our culture has pushed kids to accelerate. After school activities, AP classes, early college courses etc.... By itself, that's not a bad thing. However, when achievement is prided but sleep is not- what are the real long-term effects? Are they worth it? At a time when an estimated 20% of college students are on anti-depressants, ADHD diagnoses are on the rise, and obesity is declared epidemic; perhaps it is time we started touting the benefits of a free, natural remedy: sleep.

Wishing you a restful evening,

Krysta Dancy

Adolescence... ah where to begin

Teenagers. Few words generate such a collective knowing sigh.

Whether you're a future, present or past parent of a teen- you can understand the sentiment. A time in life when freedom and limitation fight for position. A time when self-reliance and mooching don't seem to notice their own contradictions. And the hormones... yes, the hormones.

As part of my practice, I work a great deal with teens.  From this experience, I've gathered several conclusions and tips. I'd like to share a few with you. In no particular order:


The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Teen.... Part 1 (Part II is here)!

I find that what is most helpful for parents, is to recall the history of us as a people. I'm not talking about "the good ol' days". I mean human history. Since the dawn of humanity, teens have ruled. Depending on the era, thirty was considered "grandparent age" and anything beyond that qualified you for impending death. Not only were teens the parents; they were the warriors, the leaders, the hunters, the foragers. In other words, nature made sure that teens were (above all else)- hormonal, aggressive and passionate. It made sense that with the peak of fertility (and likely parenthood) teens would also be fiercely independent, strong-willed, and full of hubris. This ensured our survival as a species.

Fast-forward to our present day. Not only are teens NOT in charge, they are still living under the rule of parents. Not only are they NOT the warriors, they aren't even the drivers (for a while). Not only are they NOT the parents, they are told they ought not to be having sex at all. There is nothing to hunt and gather, there are no fires to stoke, there are no civilizations to pillage or protect. There are simply endless hours of school, malls, and (of course) sleeping. At a time when they are the most virile and agitated, they are told to do precisely the opposite: "sit still. take notes. be obedient. do what I say."

Now I for one am thankful that the average life expectancy is longer. I am thankful that adolescents no longer call the shots and I can expect to live peacefully to a ripe old age. I am also thankful that we encourage our teens to explore their own identities during their teen years. We give them a break from the stresses of adulthood for a little longer. We encourage parenthood to start only after the hubris of youth has died down- and I think that's good for society and for individual development.

But you can see how this is a recipe for discontent, right? You can see how adolescent angst would rear its ugly head. So what's a parent to do when they have a caveman teenager in gentler, calmer times?

I'm so glad you asked! I have ideas! :)

Point 1: Give your teen a purpose.
Remember, teens were built to be the movers and shakers of society. They were made to create (and destroy) civilizations. Their energy has been an asset to human history... until now. So its up to you as the parent, to help that energy finds its own use. In other words: wear them out!

For some teens this will be an after school job. For others, it's extra curricular programs. For still others, its pitching in more with the running of the household. Each situation is unique to your teen and family. But what is universally true is that they need purpose (just like we do).

It is my belief that human energy cannot be created or destroyed. It is simply re-routed. I believe a great deal of turmoil in the home is due to misplaced teen energy. If a teen has no purpose, no meaning to their existence (at a time when nature made sure they would crave it), what is s/he to do with that useless feeling? Get angry? Mopey? Agitated? Depressed? Yup, and a whole lot more. So put that energy to work somewhere meaningful, and drain the conflict out of your home!

I counsel teens, sometimes for long periods of time. You know what happens every year (like clockwork)? I lose clients around the time school lets out for the summer. It's a typical ebb and flow of my industry. Family vacations have some to do with it, and unpredictable schedules. But it also has to do with the fact that parents and teens start telling me "everything is fine", we're doing great!

Guess what happens every September? My office is flooded with phone calls of frantic teens and their parents, reporting that the remainder of the summer was a disaster. The honeymoon period of catching up on their sleep is quickly replaced by the melancholy of boredom. So with summer just starting, now is the time to preemptively help you and your teen, by finding a purpose for them and their time. It's good for you both!

... check back later... next time I'll talk about what one single thing may be to blame for teen attitude, obesity, ADHD and a host of other medical issues we see in teens today....

ETA- Part II can be read here.

Hoping your summer is purposeful,
Krysta

Technology Fasting

I don't generally share personal things, for obvious reasons (first, to protect my personal life from my professional one. Second, because who wants to hear it anyway? ha!) And this may shock you, given the tone of my previous posts. But today I want to talk about something so important, I feel like I should come out of the closet:

I am a technological junkie.

There, I said it. Whew! I feel better. You might have read that sentence with images in your mind of someone with the latest and greatest technology. A Steve Jobs follower who buys tickets to stand in line for the thrill of buying the newest Apple creation. But nope, that's not even where I'm going with this.

Instead, what I mean is- technology has infiltrated every aspect of my life- to the point that it is impacting my personal relationships. Judge me if you must, but first ask yourself if this has ever happened to you:

Hubby: (walks in the door)
Me: (on the phone dealing with customer service, while facebooking on my laptop)
Hubby: (kisses my cheek and says hi)
Me: (barely registers the cheek kiss, and quickly returns it)
Hubby: (goes to change clothes)
Me: (Now surfing for a new recipe, while chatting with two friends, and updating my blog)
Hubby: (Returns to room and attempts to tell me a story from his day)
Me: (Realizes he's talking about halfway through his story and now must make awkward decision of whether or not to admit I don't know what he's talking about...)

Okay, so what did you notice here? The fact that I was completely not present? The fact that I missed various opportunities to connect? The fact that I quite possibly made my husband feel unimportant? Or how about the fact that this "scene" had .... NO DIALOGUE...?

.... Oops......

So what to do? Well perhaps a true junkie ought to go cold turkey. But I can "handle" moderation. Right? So now I'm on a tech fast (self-imposed). I can use the computer for work (which means expect a lot more blog updates- ha! :) ) And I'm free to watch the tv during the day (as if I have time for that). But when 5 pm rolls around... computer and tv are OFF.
And like a true junkie, the mere idea of this gives me chills. Whereas my evenings once seemed too full, they now span in front of me, looming large. What will we do with all that time? The answer so far: walk, exercise, sit outside, talk, read, clean, play... in a nutshell: live life.

Huh, so that's what this is about....


tags:counseling, counselor, depression, emotions, facebook, healthy attachment, ideas, love, marital counseling, marriage, motherhood, myspace, parenting, personal growth, pace of life, priorities, relationship counseling, relationships, self-help, technology and mental health, television, therapist, therapy, twitter

Fostering Healthy Attachment

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.


Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo


The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.


The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.


- Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

Its obvious: modern parenthood is not for sissies. The demands are mounting. I believe this is especially true for most moms, as they find themselves caught between historic expectations (the sole care for home and children) and new ones (wage earner, provider). Add suburban sprawl (extra driving), extra-curriculars and sports' schedules and its no wonder that moms (and dads) find themselves over-scheduled. And of course, amidst all the activity, parents are supposed to be sure their children are intellectually and emotionally nourished.

But research is now showing that old-fashioned wisdom (once again) turns out to be true. A child's emotional well-being and even scholastic aptitude can be predicted (to an extent) by the quality of their emotional attachment to caregivers.

Before you panic, here's the good news: good attachment can be fostered while you run through your day! Rather than being something to add to your growing "to do" list, it is something that can add meaning to the daily living you do now. Rather than any one set of responsibilities, attachment is a foundation for interaction. Which is to say: You can start fostering a healthy attachment with your child RIGHT NOW, while still running like mad!

The truth is, we all need attachment (or connection) with our loved ones. Parents' cups' run low too. A little love and connection can go a long way toward shoring up our motivation to keep going. Sometimes we just don't know how to give or get it.

So, to help your creative juices flow, I've created

Ways To Foster Healthy Attachment In Daily Life

Infants-

• Babywearing while on the go
• Eye contact with baby while waiting in line
• Mimic faces and sounds back and forth
• Singing (especially with hand motions)
• Rocking to sleep
• Holding baby close so s/he can smell and hear your voice
• Describe what you're doing and where you're going while driving

Toddlers-

• Any of the "infant" ideas, plus:
• Try counting things to your toddler as you walk by it (an excuse for interaction)
  
• Describe what you see your toddler doing (it makes them feel important to you)
• Prepare your toddler for what will happen next and where you're going (when running errands for instance). It helps them feel calm and lets them feel secure (no surprises!)
• Repeated rituals are very important to toddlers and let them feel secure with you. Singing the same song while diaper changing or waking up, and saying goodnight to all stuffed animals are good examples.
• When waiting in line, try naming things for them, and letting them have a try. Congratulate any efforts!

Young Children-

• Any "toddler" ideas, plus:
• When picking up from school or activities, ask them about their day. If they need direction, try "hi/lo"- where they get to tell their "high" and their "low" for the day. Show you're listening by reflecting their feelings, "It sounds like that hurt your feelings." or "Wow, you sound like you felt special when she did that!"
• Attend activities where they get to "shine" (sports, school plays etc...) Make an effort to make a big deal about their participation (regardless of winning/losing). Bring flowers, take out for ice cream- anything to make them feel "special" for their effort.
• For chores, create a "chore chart" where they get a sticker or smiley for their day's effort. It affirms that you see them and their efforts are noticed and appreciated!
• Give them chances to practice what they're learning in school. The car is a great place for this- sing the ABCs, work on addition/multiplication tables. Big congratulations for things they learn!
• Take the time to answer the incessant "why?" questions. Not only does it help their brains grow, but it often is an excuse to interact with you when they don't know how else to get your attention.
• If you struggle with your child interrupting, create a "signal" that shows that you heard them, and will get back to them quickly (like a finger in the air). Discuss it ahead of time. This helps them know that they have been heard, and helps them work on patience. Congratulate ANY patience they show while waiting!
• Bedtime is a great time for special routines that you share. Its also a great time to talk about tomorrow- and what will be happening. Again, this is an excuse to interact with your child- but it also helps them to develop a sense of security and permanence because they know what is coming!
• Take turns making up a story while waiting or driving. For instance, you start with "Once upon a time there was a dragon...." Let your child fill in the next sentence or two, and then you add to the story. Let the story get as silly as the child likes!

Hopefully this has gotten your creative juices flowing. In future articles, I'll be sure to discuss How To Foster Healthy Attachment Through Discipline. But for now, enjoy those little ones. Unfortunately, they "don't keep".