Nope. Try again.

"You're doing it," my particularly bossy friend told me in college.*

I didn't listen to her. Not the first time. Not the second time. Not even the third time.
"Just come to the interest meeting!"... she finally wore me down.

And with this, I embarked on one of my most formative experiences in life:

When Someone You Love Has Awful Politics

As a therapist
I’ve seen eyes roll.
Arms crossed.
Yelling.
Personal attacks.
Paint-melting rage.
I’ve even seen a checkbook thrown across the room.

And none of this compares to what I have seen this election season.

Tarnished

This morning I found it. A necklace I had lost almost three years ago. The crazy thing is, it was right under my nose the whole time.

I had been looking for a different necklace on my jewelry holder. This lead me to search a little deeper than I normally would and that was how it caught my eye: a tiny delicate diamond on a silver chain. It was snarled in a much larger clump and I almost missed it.

It used to be bright silver, and that’s how I knew it.

My Theory Of Everything (Motherhood)

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time, women learned about the ancient traditions of motherhood through experience. The age gap between mother and child was short: generations were compact. Extended families dwelled together, weaving mother and child, niece and cousin, until a tapestry of women all coexisted along the life span.

There were no retirement communities, no preschools. Babies bounced on old knees. Aunts were both sisters and mothers. To look from the outside, one would not easily know the dividing lines between each family. Who belonged to whom? They all belonged to each other.

By the time a girl became a woman, and then a mother, she had all the benefit of this multi-generational school of life. Since the time she was born, she had seen people pregnant, give birth, raise children, grow old and die. The lifespan was a continuum on display at every moment. Life, and its traditions, were mapped out in living color.

When her time came to give birth, she would do so in the manner of her people. She would know every part of this rite of passage- having witnessed it countless times. She would be surrounded by her fellow women, each one having experience, wisdom, and strength to share.

Her baby would be no mystery to her, having cared for her siblings, nieces, nephews and cousins her entire life. What to do when baby cries? How to feed baby? How to hold baby? How to get baby to sleep?... she would have learned by watching and doing. She would have learned at the feet of the eldest woman of her family. She would have learned by tradition.

…. Times have changed. In many ways, they have changed for the better. Modern medicine, institutions of education, women’s equality, birth control… all these things have meant dramatic change for the lifespan of a woman.

No longer do we share our daily lives with our elders, learning from their wisdom. Modern medicine has meant that the elderly live much longer- but they do so in separation. And when they die, they die without grandchildren at their feet.

We benefit from schools. Widespread literacy is a wonderful accomplishment. It has meant equality and opportunity like the world has never before seen. But it also means we do not learn at the side of our mothers. We do not take in their instruction through observation.

Women now get a choice over their life’s path. They can delay parenthood, or avoid it altogether. They can pursue any goal they choose. This also means that when a woman chooses to be a mom her mother is often older; and her friends in a different life stage.

No longer do we share our homes. We move cross-country. We work sun up to sun down. We go to organized events. We park and close our garages. Our children play behind fences.

Some changes are for the better. Some are not.

What does this mean?

When a woman chooses to become a parent, she suddenly realizes what is missing. Classes, and doctor visits, and books, and websites must suddenly make up for a lifetime of lost learning. Childbirth educators, obstetricians, doulas, lactation consultants, pediatricians… all struggle to fill in the gap. The missing tradition. The missing roots. The missing support. The missing narrative. The missing mothering.

And while there is a plethora of information out there, there is an absence of connection. It feels like a generation of women flying “solo”, flying blind.

For you see, even if you are lucky enough to replace the “tribe” from above with one of your own making (through friendships)… you will soon learn that there are many dividing lines now. Natural birth or medicated? Breast or bottle? Co-sleeping or crib? Cry-it-out or attachment-parenting? Ferber or Sears? Stroller or Ergo? Preschool or homeschool or unschool? Work-outside-the-home or stay-at-home? The list is endless.

…And we fight, and we pick labels, and we blame, and we polarize ….

… And we substitute judgment and righteous indignation for inner knowing…

Because what we’re trying to capture here, what we’re desperately seeking: is the wisdom of generations. The wisdom of a wise grandma with a wink. The wisdom of sisters, aunts, mothers and friends who will wipe your brow and whisper “You can do this, you have the strength of a million women behind you”.

So I want to say, whether you know it or not, whether you feel it or not: 

You have the strength of a million women behind you.

Find the women in your life who will tell you that. Cling to them. Forget the rest.

Photo Credit: B℮n via Compfight cc
Photo Credit: lifeography® via Compfight cc
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Photo Credit: Matilde B. via Compfight cc

Fostering Healthy Attachment

Mother, O Mother, come shake out your cloth,
Empty the dustpan, poison the moth,
Hang out the washing, make up the bed,
Sew on a button and butter the bread.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?
She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.


Oh, I've grown as shiftless as Little Boy Blue,
Lullabye, rockabye, lullabye loo.
Dishes are waiting and bills are past due
Pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo


The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew
And out in the yard there's a hullabaloo
But I'm playing Kanga and this is my Roo
Look! Aren't his eyes the most wonderful hue?
Lullabye, rockaby lullabye loo.


The cleaning and scrubbing can wait till tomorrow
But children grow up as I've learned to my sorrow.
So quiet down cobwebs; Dust go to sleep!
I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.


- Ruth Hulbert Hamilton

Its obvious: modern parenthood is not for sissies. The demands are mounting. I believe this is especially true for most moms, as they find themselves caught between historic expectations (the sole care for home and children) and new ones (wage earner, provider). Add suburban sprawl (extra driving), extra-curriculars and sports' schedules and its no wonder that moms (and dads) find themselves over-scheduled. And of course, amidst all the activity, parents are supposed to be sure their children are intellectually and emotionally nourished.

But research is now showing that old-fashioned wisdom (once again) turns out to be true. A child's emotional well-being and even scholastic aptitude can be predicted (to an extent) by the quality of their emotional attachment to caregivers.

Before you panic, here's the good news: good attachment can be fostered while you run through your day! Rather than being something to add to your growing "to do" list, it is something that can add meaning to the daily living you do now. Rather than any one set of responsibilities, attachment is a foundation for interaction. Which is to say: You can start fostering a healthy attachment with your child RIGHT NOW, while still running like mad!

The truth is, we all need attachment (or connection) with our loved ones. Parents' cups' run low too. A little love and connection can go a long way toward shoring up our motivation to keep going. Sometimes we just don't know how to give or get it.

So, to help your creative juices flow, I've created

Ways To Foster Healthy Attachment In Daily Life

Infants-

• Babywearing while on the go
• Eye contact with baby while waiting in line
• Mimic faces and sounds back and forth
• Singing (especially with hand motions)
• Rocking to sleep
• Holding baby close so s/he can smell and hear your voice
• Describe what you're doing and where you're going while driving

Toddlers-

• Any of the "infant" ideas, plus:
• Try counting things to your toddler as you walk by it (an excuse for interaction)
  
• Describe what you see your toddler doing (it makes them feel important to you)
• Prepare your toddler for what will happen next and where you're going (when running errands for instance). It helps them feel calm and lets them feel secure (no surprises!)
• Repeated rituals are very important to toddlers and let them feel secure with you. Singing the same song while diaper changing or waking up, and saying goodnight to all stuffed animals are good examples.
• When waiting in line, try naming things for them, and letting them have a try. Congratulate any efforts!

Young Children-

• Any "toddler" ideas, plus:
• When picking up from school or activities, ask them about their day. If they need direction, try "hi/lo"- where they get to tell their "high" and their "low" for the day. Show you're listening by reflecting their feelings, "It sounds like that hurt your feelings." or "Wow, you sound like you felt special when she did that!"
• Attend activities where they get to "shine" (sports, school plays etc...) Make an effort to make a big deal about their participation (regardless of winning/losing). Bring flowers, take out for ice cream- anything to make them feel "special" for their effort.
• For chores, create a "chore chart" where they get a sticker or smiley for their day's effort. It affirms that you see them and their efforts are noticed and appreciated!
• Give them chances to practice what they're learning in school. The car is a great place for this- sing the ABCs, work on addition/multiplication tables. Big congratulations for things they learn!
• Take the time to answer the incessant "why?" questions. Not only does it help their brains grow, but it often is an excuse to interact with you when they don't know how else to get your attention.
• If you struggle with your child interrupting, create a "signal" that shows that you heard them, and will get back to them quickly (like a finger in the air). Discuss it ahead of time. This helps them know that they have been heard, and helps them work on patience. Congratulate ANY patience they show while waiting!
• Bedtime is a great time for special routines that you share. Its also a great time to talk about tomorrow- and what will be happening. Again, this is an excuse to interact with your child- but it also helps them to develop a sense of security and permanence because they know what is coming!
• Take turns making up a story while waiting or driving. For instance, you start with "Once upon a time there was a dragon...." Let your child fill in the next sentence or two, and then you add to the story. Let the story get as silly as the child likes!

Hopefully this has gotten your creative juices flowing. In future articles, I'll be sure to discuss How To Foster Healthy Attachment Through Discipline. But for now, enjoy those little ones. Unfortunately, they "don't keep".