No, I Didn't Forget You!

I have to apologize for my absence lately. I know, I know. You were hanging on the edge of your seat after that cliffhanger ending in my last blog, right? Yup. I knew it.

Without further delay...
The Proper Care and Feeding of you Teen- Part II

Question: What one single thing may be to blame for teen attitude, obesity, ADHD and a host of other medical issues we see in teens?

Answer: Sleep loss.

Recently I was reading the book "Nurture Shock" by Bronson and Merryman. It has to be one of the best books I've read in a long time. Think: "Freakonomics" about kids. I thoroughly enjoyed it and plan to frequently refer to it. So get ready! But I digress.

In the book, the authors touch on the obesity epidemic among children, which seems to be spiraling out of control. They point out that many of the common scapegoats (tv watching, high fructose corn syrup, processed foods) don't hold up statistically. But what has gotten the attention of leading experts most recently: sleep loss. The truth is, kids and teens today get a great deal less sleep than their peers would have just 10 years ago. In fact, there is a direct correlation between sleep deficit and obesity.

And sleep loss doesn't just correlate with biological functions (such as metabolism and fat burning) The authors cite fascinating studies in which children are put to bed just one hour later for three days... which caused a loss of two grade levels on their academic testing! In the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", Weissbluth (a pediatric sleep specialist) correlates poor sleep in early childhood with poor adolescent sleep, ADHD, grades and even seizure disorders.

Most scary of all is the information on teens a sleep deprivation. Adolescents have a biological shift in their circadian rhythms. What does this mean? It means that the naturally occurring "sleepy" time we all feel as adults and small children- actually shifts 90 minutes later in an adolescent brain! Meaning that when a teen is forced to rise early (for school) they will not be able to make up for that sleep at night. In their study, 60% of Freshman got 8 hours of sleep. By Sophomore year? Just 30%.

Why does this matter? Because when teens walk around chronically sleep deprived, they actually double their rates of depression. Ask yourself this: "if you are sleep deprived for a week, how do you behave?" Moody? Irritable? Irrational? Distracted? Forgetful?  Now ask yourself: "what qualities in my teen drive me the most crazy?"..... BINGO! Which brings me to the earth-shattering information:

Much of what we consider "normal adolescent moodiness" is now being reexamined. It might actually be the consequences of long term sleep deprivation.

Because of this (and other) research, school districts across the country are considering a late start time. And the ones that implement it have had amazing results!

Our culture has pushed kids to accelerate. After school activities, AP classes, early college courses etc.... By itself, that's not a bad thing. However, when achievement is prided but sleep is not- what are the real long-term effects? Are they worth it? At a time when an estimated 20% of college students are on anti-depressants, ADHD diagnoses are on the rise, and obesity is declared epidemic; perhaps it is time we started touting the benefits of a free, natural remedy: sleep.

Wishing you a restful evening,

Krysta Dancy

Adolescence... ah where to begin

Teenagers. Few words generate such a collective knowing sigh.

Whether you're a future, present or past parent of a teen- you can understand the sentiment. A time in life when freedom and limitation fight for position. A time when self-reliance and mooching don't seem to notice their own contradictions. And the hormones... yes, the hormones.

As part of my practice, I work a great deal with teens.  From this experience, I've gathered several conclusions and tips. I'd like to share a few with you. In no particular order:


The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Teen.... Part 1 (Part II is here)!

I find that what is most helpful for parents, is to recall the history of us as a people. I'm not talking about "the good ol' days". I mean human history. Since the dawn of humanity, teens have ruled. Depending on the era, thirty was considered "grandparent age" and anything beyond that qualified you for impending death. Not only were teens the parents; they were the warriors, the leaders, the hunters, the foragers. In other words, nature made sure that teens were (above all else)- hormonal, aggressive and passionate. It made sense that with the peak of fertility (and likely parenthood) teens would also be fiercely independent, strong-willed, and full of hubris. This ensured our survival as a species.

Fast-forward to our present day. Not only are teens NOT in charge, they are still living under the rule of parents. Not only are they NOT the warriors, they aren't even the drivers (for a while). Not only are they NOT the parents, they are told they ought not to be having sex at all. There is nothing to hunt and gather, there are no fires to stoke, there are no civilizations to pillage or protect. There are simply endless hours of school, malls, and (of course) sleeping. At a time when they are the most virile and agitated, they are told to do precisely the opposite: "sit still. take notes. be obedient. do what I say."

Now I for one am thankful that the average life expectancy is longer. I am thankful that adolescents no longer call the shots and I can expect to live peacefully to a ripe old age. I am also thankful that we encourage our teens to explore their own identities during their teen years. We give them a break from the stresses of adulthood for a little longer. We encourage parenthood to start only after the hubris of youth has died down- and I think that's good for society and for individual development.

But you can see how this is a recipe for discontent, right? You can see how adolescent angst would rear its ugly head. So what's a parent to do when they have a caveman teenager in gentler, calmer times?

I'm so glad you asked! I have ideas! :)

Point 1: Give your teen a purpose.
Remember, teens were built to be the movers and shakers of society. They were made to create (and destroy) civilizations. Their energy has been an asset to human history... until now. So its up to you as the parent, to help that energy finds its own use. In other words: wear them out!

For some teens this will be an after school job. For others, it's extra curricular programs. For still others, its pitching in more with the running of the household. Each situation is unique to your teen and family. But what is universally true is that they need purpose (just like we do).

It is my belief that human energy cannot be created or destroyed. It is simply re-routed. I believe a great deal of turmoil in the home is due to misplaced teen energy. If a teen has no purpose, no meaning to their existence (at a time when nature made sure they would crave it), what is s/he to do with that useless feeling? Get angry? Mopey? Agitated? Depressed? Yup, and a whole lot more. So put that energy to work somewhere meaningful, and drain the conflict out of your home!

I counsel teens, sometimes for long periods of time. You know what happens every year (like clockwork)? I lose clients around the time school lets out for the summer. It's a typical ebb and flow of my industry. Family vacations have some to do with it, and unpredictable schedules. But it also has to do with the fact that parents and teens start telling me "everything is fine", we're doing great!

Guess what happens every September? My office is flooded with phone calls of frantic teens and their parents, reporting that the remainder of the summer was a disaster. The honeymoon period of catching up on their sleep is quickly replaced by the melancholy of boredom. So with summer just starting, now is the time to preemptively help you and your teen, by finding a purpose for them and their time. It's good for you both!

... check back later... next time I'll talk about what one single thing may be to blame for teen attitude, obesity, ADHD and a host of other medical issues we see in teens today....

ETA- Part II can be read here.

Hoping your summer is purposeful,
Krysta

Confessions of a Therapist

I'm gonna level with you: today wasn't great.

I adore my job, and everything that goes with it. The chance to help people make real, meaningful change in their lives really gets me excited. The chance to offer support, encouragement, a listening ear, a sounding board, a solution, a safe place.... how could life get much better?

But some days the losses outnumber the wins.

Some days people get in their own way. Some days people don't want what I'm offering. Some days I mess up and get in my own way.... Yikes.... I hate those days the most.

I'm not supposed to have flaws, right? I am the paid expert in the room. The expert at "life, relationships and happiness", right? So what does it mean when I am the one who messes up?

I have no idea. But I hope it means I'm real. I hope it means I'm reachable. I hope it means I can relate to the one crying on the couch, because I have been that one crying on the couch. I hope it means I never begin to think I am infallible. I hope it means I remain genuine, humble and graceful.... and deep down- I hope those things count for more than perfection in my clients' eyes.

Here's hoping for a better day tomorrow,
Krysta

What Do You Need?

     As I sit comfortably on the couch, I hear my toddler over the monitor: "Mama. Mom. Mom. Mum-mum. MAA!"

     He's supposed to be sleeping, but try telling him that. The irony is, he's been asking to do just that for hours. Poor little guy is overtired, and has been slumping in his stroller the better part of the afternoon. And if his glazed expression and irritability weren't clues enough, on his own impetus he literally stood up, turned off the tv and said "Night Night" to the room before walking to his bedroom. He left us giggling as we stared at his little back disappearing down the hall.

     So I know he needs sleep. I know he is overdue. It would seem that even he knows that. And yet here he is: "Mamma... MUM UM... MOM!" while he runs around his crib squealing and kicks the walls.

     And because I'm a therapist and get to think about things like this for a living, it makes me contemplate: why don't we take what we need when it's offered? Because this experience sure has me thinking it is a innate human characteristic.

     Like the addict who won't admit there's a problem and get treatment, or the combat vet who refused the VA's services, the dieter who turns down an accountability partner, or the person who tells you (with tears in their eyes) that everything is okay.... Why do we refuse what we so badly need? Why do we insist on proudly plowing ahead when what we really want is to sit, for one moment, and accept grace?

     Is it pride? Fear? Denial? I'm not sure. But what is clear to me: it is harder to admit and accept what we need, than not to. Which surprises me when I first think of it. But the more I contemplate it, it sounds about right.

Meanwhile, the monitor is finally quiet- thank you!


Wishing you grace and kindness in your life,

Krysta

Forgiveness

Much has been said on the subject of Forgiveness. (Or, the "F" word as I like to call it...) I doubt I can say much more profound or helpful things on the subject, so instead I want to tell you about my own experience with it. 

I was flying to Los Angeles for my best friend's 30th birthday. It was Friday afternoon and I was feeling more than a little excited about the prospect of a girls' weekend, away from the kiddos, at a friend's beach house. Really, could life get any better than gossip magazines on a 45 minute Southwest flight- where I did not have to ONCE get someone a cracker, change a diaper, or dig through my bag of tricks!?

I was so in my own head, I didn't even notice him. But there he was, sitting right across the aisle from me the entire flight. Time had changed him slightly, and I almost made it the whole way there without realizing his presence.  But as soon as he turned and spoke, "excuse me ma'am" (he had bumped me with his bag) it was like a movie moment... in an instant, we both recognized one another.

This was The Guy. You know the guy. The one that screwed you over royally. The one that took your pride, your reputation, your dignity and your self-respect in the name of their own interest. The one who climbed to the top on countless backs, including yours. The one who no doubt has a body count in his wake. The one who you *should* have known better than to ever work WITH, much less work FOR.

And this was The Moment. You know the moment. The moment you dream of, where you are calm, cool, and collected. Where you catch them off guard (for once) and you have all the clever things to say. The moment where you slice them to shreds by your words and leave them, mouth agape, staring as you walk away, wishing they had just done things differently. Oh yes, you know the moment. It might only be fiction... but here it was.

We're all smooshed together like cattle, waiting for the door to open. He has just been totally taken off guard to realize who I am... and I have had years preparing just the things to say....

And as I contemplate my options, the funniest thing happens, a huge grin spreads across my face. I looked at him- crumpled business suit, beat up and overstuffed briefcase, flying Southwest (coach) on a Friday night, looking haggard and out of breath and I realize: he's still hustling. Not one thing about him has changed in the least.

On the other hand, I look at myself. How since the time he knew me, I became a grad student, an intern, and finally a licensed therapist. I became a wife and mother. I am going to the beach for a girls' weekend. Most of all, I am smiling, happy, content.

And I let him walk away.... Smiling like a goofy idiot the entire time...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I realize for you that might seem either A. Unsatisfying or B. Noble
But I assure you it was neither. You see, what I hadn't realized is that at some point I had stopped laying awake at night fantasizing all the ways to make him hear me. I had stopped thinking about him very much at all. Instead of his betrayal being a formative and angering thing, it had become simply a part of my history. And like all history, it made for interesting discussion... but I didn't feel much about it.

My decision to let him walk away wasn't based on some level-headed nobility. I was not taking the high road here. What happened is he had become the best thing of all: inconsequential.

And to me, that is what forgiveness is all about. You see, my forgiveness didn't mean jack to him. He really could not have cared less I imagine. I was just one of many.

But instead of that run-in RUINING my weekend... it MADE my weekend. I had the best story to share with my friend when she picked me up. Because you see... forgiveness set me free.

Oh, it was sweet!

Wishing you health and happiness,
Krysta

You're The Expert!

I've become aware of the fact that it makes me intensely uncomfortable when clients (or others) say "Well, you're the expert!" with any sincerity (joking is always appreciated.) I'm never quite sure how to respond to that. Especially since there are some days I feel like the expert of NADA!

In part it is the truth- I'm "the expert" on mental health, psychology etc... (assuming there's no one more qualified in the room, then they're the expert! :) ). On the other hand, there's something very important that I'm not the expert on: you.

Television and movies like to portray the mental health field in one of two ways: either a bumbling idiot who commits ethical and legal violations galore, or as the consumate expert on everything and everyone. I'm not sure which is worse honestly. While the first can be excused for dramatic license (I suppose), the second sets up false expectations for therapy. I also think that false expectation of "The Omnipotent Expert" scares a lot of people away from the field, who would benefit greatly.

The reality is this, I'm a therapist, not psychic!  I do not posses magic pills, nor wands. In a perfect world, I would- but unfortunately I'm still waiting on that... What I do posses is experience, knowledge, expertise... but without your input- they may as well be useless. I can only help so far as you are willing to meet me.

As much as it might be fun, I don't socialize at parties "knowing" everything about everyone in seconds of meeting them. Likewise I don't have "The Answer" to your problem within the first hour of meeting you. Like all human relationships, there is a learning curve. And (sadly) I can only apply expertise to what is available to me. Meaning: if you hide something, I can't help you there.

I say this because part of what is important to me, is to demystify the counseling process. Like anything else in life, counseling is a relationship. It takes time to learn one another. It takes time to establish trust. It takes time to learn clients' stories and feelings. And then it takes time for the client to internalize the changes. And maybe that's not magic enough for some, but for me- it feels magical.  To be trusted on this most important issue: a person's very life, is a great honor. It's much less about "expert" and much more about partnership.

Different Types Of Therapy: A Primer

"What do therapists DO?"

This is sadly one of the hardest questions for me to answer. Because the answer depends entirely on why you're seeing them. That's also one of the reasons I have the most interesting job on earth: no two days are alike. My day can begin with a client who has a debilitating phobia, include a married couple on the brink of divorce, and end with a combat veteran struggling with PTSD. How could anyone get bored?!

In my personal opinion, the needs of a client should greatly influece WHICH form of therapy you utilize. After all, will a person with a phobia have the same needs as the married couple for therapy? Will their goals look the same? Likely not.

But enough about me, I decided that I wanted to create a sort of "primer" on different types of therapy- because in my mind an educated consumer is a better consumer... And knowledge is power.... And several other cliches. What I'm trying to say is: I hope you can use this list to begin to educate yourself about therapy, and what methods most closely align with your personal belief system. I also hope you can use it to find a therapist who is a good match for you. (I personally utitilize all these philosophies in my therapy with clients).

So without further fuss, here is my "Ridiculously OverSimplified List Of Popular Therapy Methods"*

Cognitive- The belief that if you change your thoughts, you change your life. Focus is on ending destructive thought patterns and employing healthy ones.

Behavioral- The belief that our behavior is shaped by reward and punishment. Focus is on ending destructive behaviors and begining healthy ones.

Attachment Oriented- The belief that our attachments (both bad and good) to primary caretakers as a child, now influences our current relationships (for bad and good). Focus is on relearning healthy attachment.

Multigenerational- The belief that our relationships and behavior are influenced by what we learned from our own family growing up. Focus is on increasing awareness of what we learned, and relearning healthy forms of relating.

Experiential- The belief that change takes place in the here and now, and emotional expression and awareness is the vehicle. Focus is on active therapy, employing the use of the client's immediate emotions and experience.

Psychoanalytic- Freud is most famous here: the belief that unconcious thoughts and motivations cause mental illness. Focus is on making the unconcious, concious.

Psychodynamic- The belief that our past emotional experiences shape our current interactions with people. Focus is on self-awareness, employing the use of emotions and communication.

Structural- The belief that relationship trouble is caused when we become rigid and repetitive and lose adaptability. Focus is on identifying areas of rigidity and making them flexible.

Strategic- The belief that all behavior (both healthy and not) is motivated by power and control. Focus is on restructuring the power balance in a relationship.

*My disclaimer: Psychology Students- do NOT use this to study for exams, it is but one person's opinion (and you can be certain that I have missed important points!) Fellow health professionals- I beg in advance for your forgiveness if you feel I butchered or left out your modality of choice,  see above. Thank you :)

Self-Portrait Is A Bad Idea

So it occurs to me recently that I might want a more professional image (than the current photo of me picking apples with my son) on my blog and website. And (in a flash of brilliance) I thought, "what better way to show people the 'real me' than to take a self-portrait?"

I mean: its sunny, I have a camera, its my day off and my son is sleeping. Conditions are perfect, right? Well.... let's just say the experience taught me one thing: I need to pay a portrait photographer to do this. And I will, one of these days.

In the meantime might I unveil:

This one was an accident, I didn't realize the camera was zoomed in.

For some reason, it is my favorite.

I like to call this one "Oops"

Okay, so at least this one is visible. But I'm not feeling it represents me very well.

And perhaps with this one, we should just call it a day.

Like I said, lesson learned: Leave this job to the professionals. But hey, at least you now know what I look like (kind of).

Technology Fasting

I don't generally share personal things, for obvious reasons (first, to protect my personal life from my professional one. Second, because who wants to hear it anyway? ha!) And this may shock you, given the tone of my previous posts. But today I want to talk about something so important, I feel like I should come out of the closet:

I am a technological junkie.

There, I said it. Whew! I feel better. You might have read that sentence with images in your mind of someone with the latest and greatest technology. A Steve Jobs follower who buys tickets to stand in line for the thrill of buying the newest Apple creation. But nope, that's not even where I'm going with this.

Instead, what I mean is- technology has infiltrated every aspect of my life- to the point that it is impacting my personal relationships. Judge me if you must, but first ask yourself if this has ever happened to you:

Hubby: (walks in the door)
Me: (on the phone dealing with customer service, while facebooking on my laptop)
Hubby: (kisses my cheek and says hi)
Me: (barely registers the cheek kiss, and quickly returns it)
Hubby: (goes to change clothes)
Me: (Now surfing for a new recipe, while chatting with two friends, and updating my blog)
Hubby: (Returns to room and attempts to tell me a story from his day)
Me: (Realizes he's talking about halfway through his story and now must make awkward decision of whether or not to admit I don't know what he's talking about...)

Okay, so what did you notice here? The fact that I was completely not present? The fact that I missed various opportunities to connect? The fact that I quite possibly made my husband feel unimportant? Or how about the fact that this "scene" had .... NO DIALOGUE...?

.... Oops......

So what to do? Well perhaps a true junkie ought to go cold turkey. But I can "handle" moderation. Right? So now I'm on a tech fast (self-imposed). I can use the computer for work (which means expect a lot more blog updates- ha! :) ) And I'm free to watch the tv during the day (as if I have time for that). But when 5 pm rolls around... computer and tv are OFF.
And like a true junkie, the mere idea of this gives me chills. Whereas my evenings once seemed too full, they now span in front of me, looming large. What will we do with all that time? The answer so far: walk, exercise, sit outside, talk, read, clean, play... in a nutshell: live life.

Huh, so that's what this is about....


tags:counseling, counselor, depression, emotions, facebook, healthy attachment, ideas, love, marital counseling, marriage, motherhood, myspace, parenting, personal growth, pace of life, priorities, relationship counseling, relationships, self-help, technology and mental health, television, therapist, therapy, twitter

A Day for Lovers

Unless you lived under a rock, you know that we just passed valentine's day. I always find the holiday especially interesting, because the reaction to Valentine's is so widely varying. While one might decorate their home in anticipation, others make it a personal mission to let everyone know just how "stupid" a holiday it is.

Of course, being in the business of loving personal relationships- I take the opportunity to observe all the funny behavior that happens around this holiday. Over the years I've collected random stories, but my favorite fact is now this:

On Valentine's Day our website received seven times the average number of hits for a Sunday.

When I first realized this, I had to chuckle to myself as I imagined angry wives plunking "marriage counseling" on their keyboards Feb 14th (the most popular keyword search). Or perhaps it was a frantic and placating man saying "Fine! We'll get counseling!" I realize these are stereotypes, but I'm being honest- it was what ran through my head as I laughed.

Whatever the case, it appears that love (and the celebration of love) is not quite a Hallmark commercial. Duh. And a part of my heart is warmed that people are reaching out for support when they face marital turmoil, instead of suffering silently as they did in years past.

But after the chuckling, laughing, and heart-warming... I am struck by one final thought:

The average number of phone calls... did not raise at all.

And that is sobering to me.