How Our Isolation Is Affecting Our Teens

Once upon a time, teens were warriors. I already wrote about that here and here. So let me try a different story. A sequel you could say.

Once upon a time, teens were expected to be productive. With a short life expectancy, and fertility approaching, teens were recognized as old enough to contribute. After all, they were strong, full of energy and passion, virile and idealistic. That's quite a force of nature packed into a young body.

They were meant to push away from the home life they have always known. They were programmed to do it for the advancement of humanity. After all, teens who rest on their laurels don't really ensure species survival. Right? (Read more about this in the excellent book by Dr. Siegel: Brainstorm)

This means that (I believe) every teen's parent has probably experienced this similar thing since the dawn of time- this painful, forceful separation as the teen experiments with emerging separate identity. It is normal (read: "What It's Like Parenting Teens and Tweens"). And you (as a parent) are in good company.

You know who isn't in good company? Your teen.

Because once upon a time there was a village of elders. There were apprenticeships of all kinds (formal and informal). Whether you were learning to be a mother, or a soldier, or a woodworker, or a shaman, you had someone older than you to guide you in that effort. Someone who likely knew your family. Someone who likely knew the teen since they were born. Someone who had a good idea of your family and tribal values, your culture and belief system. Someone who (likely without thinking much about it) ushered them across the threshold from childhood into adulthood. What a brilliant idea!

And (due to that pesky biological programming) it couldn't be their parent. The parent had their childhood, but someone else was the field guide who put the learning into practice. Any basic study of anthropology will tell you that most cultures had very sacred practices around this "emerging adulthood" idea. Coming-of-age ceremonies and excursions have been a part of the fabric of almost every people-group.

And then there's us. Our teens are in school and won't expect to begin learning about their chosen field until at least age 18 (often later). They are not surrounded by trustworthy elders, but by fellow peers. Just as lost as they are. Instead of building a civilization or stretching their muscles, they are told to sit and listen in a fluorescent-lit classroom and then sit and do homework later (which I think contributes to school shootings, but I digress.) And while I get the importance of formal education (obviously!) I also think it is worth asking ourselves what we ought to preserve from our heritage.




This is where I love my job. When I work with teens, I get to be a *small* part of repairing what was lost. I get to be a stand-in for that "village elder"- an adult who can be trusted by parents, but one who belongs to the teen alone. An adult who can be there for the duration- their threshold of adulthood. One who knows the values of their family. One who respects the teens emerging separate identity enough to encourage it.

I often have parents in my office who are playfully exasperated because they've "said that to their teen a million times" before I did! Why does their teen listen to me? And I have to smile and remind them that I have a fundamental advantage. They are not programmed to push away from me. They are programmed to hear me! 

It is a role I feel privileged to play. The guide along an important path. The confidante. Support system. Cheerleader. Clear-eyed adult (who is not their parent, lucky me!)

If your teen doesn't have an adult they trust, consider how you might foster that. There are so many options in coaches, teachers, pastors, relatives, and even therapists. By building a village for your teen, the pressure is off! By intentionally creating a community of truth-tellers and advocates, you have created a web of support for you and your teen. When they push away from you, they have the arms of someone else to run to. Someone you can trust. Whew!

Wishing you support, community and a good sense of humor. Solidarity parents-of-teens!

How To Stop School Shootings

Image credit here

Well I'm going to venture into gray area today: school shootings

And you know what's sad? I can write this today and know with certainty it will become timely again and again.

And while politicians and talking heads will yell at one another about this issue, I have my own take on it. As a mother and therapist to families and adolescents. I have my own perspective on what is happening here.

We have a mental health crisis in the country. We are failing ourselves and our young people.

Let me lay this out for you. Your brain is an organ. 
Your organs are biological.
They are susceptible to disease.
They are injured by trauma.
They are affected by your health.

Your brain (the thing that runs your decisions, your feelings, your moods, your actions) is a flesh and blood organ that is made better or worse by your life choices. Just like your heart.

Here's the difference. If your heart stops beating it only hurts you and those you love. If your brain stops working you can become deadly.

In my professional opinion- this is not about video games. It is not about a justified rage. It is not about bullying. It is about mental illness. Pure and simple. How do I know?
- Do you watch movies or play games with violent actions in them?
- Do you feel rejected by others sometimes?
- Did you ever feel bullied or unliked by peers?
- Are people ever mean to you?
- Do you write manifestos and go on killing sprees?

See my point?

We have a mental health epidemic. We prescribe more and more psychotropic medication every year. Last statistic I read placed parents at about 1/5 that are currently on some form of mood medication. We are not well. And we are raising our kids to be unwell.

If I had a magic wand here's what I would do.
1. Move back school start times to 9:30 am for adolescents (read latest research on how circadian rhythyms and sleep deprivation affect adolescents. It is frightening). This is proven to lower the incidence of depression and school dropouts significantly within one year's time.
2. Create health classes in school that educate young people on the following:
     How sleep affects your body
     How technology affects your body
     How light exposure affects mood and circadian rhythms
     How nutrition affects the brain
    What are the warning signs of depression, anxiety and psychosis?
3. Staff every high school with mental health professionals. (I'm not talking about guidance counselors. I am talking about licensed mental health providers who have constant access to kids.) Give them the authority to
     Screen every kid every year for mental health issues
     Jointly work with the teen's family support to address mental health issues.
     See a teen regularly who is going through mental health issues.
     Pull any child at any time that they feel is in crisis, without academic repercussions.
     Make referrals and fast-track kids they feel are in crisis
4. Only give a teen antidepressants if they will see a mental health provider at least 2x a week for at least 8 weeks following the new prescription. (Read up on antidepressant use in teens and its ridiculously high rate of suicide and manic behavior. Teen bodies don't respond like adults do).
5. Structure school activities so that teens see sunlight before noon every day to regulate their circadian rhythms and lower incidence of mood disorders.
6. Structure school activities so that teens are moving their bodies every day, outdoors if possible for the same reason.

I would be willing to bet that if a school were willing and able to make these changes, their risk of a school shooting from a student would be almost nil.

We are unwell. We are not addressing our unwellness.

We think adolescents are meant to be depressed, exhausted, and unwell. This is NOT TRUE. Research proves that it is not true.

We accept sickness because we don't know what health looks like. 

And we accept sickness because we have removed power from anyone who knows how to diagnose a mental health crisis.

I could see a person in my office, be certain that they are danger to themselves or society, but if they are not an imminent threat with an identifiable target... I have no power. Zero. Nothing can be done. They will go back out into the world without a tether. And when they finally do act out, there will be people looking to cast blame. But where can it rest? There is no one to speak for the mentally ill. We have erred on the side of their autonomy because we don't want to make the mistakes of our past. But is this better? The mentally ill make up the majority of our homeless population. The mass shootings are done by the mentally ill. Is this better?

I don't believe it is.

The truth is, this can be changed. But this isn't sexy. It doesn't sound good in clips. It isn't going to be yelled by a talking head. So the necessary changes are ignored.

We have advocates for heart health and against the obesity epidemic. And that's important. Please don't misunderstand me. But if your heart fails or you are overweight- you hurt only yourself and those who love you. Mental illness affects us all. But we are silent about it. That has to change.






PS- If you're new here, I'm a therapist in Roseville, CA
PPS- If you liked this post about teens, try this one.
PPPS- If you like posts about technology and mental health try this one or this one.

"What's It Like Parenting Tweens and Teens?"

Today I took a blogging challenge, to answer the question: "What's It Like Parenting Tweens and Teens?"

My first responses were things along the lines of:

- Ever been sucker-punched in the gut? Then hugged? Then kicked in the groin?

- It's like trying to dress up a cat, with claws.

- It's like trying to keep a grip on a water worm (do you remember those things?)

- Running in quicksand?

- Or how about: It's like telling a cat to sit.

Why do so many of my teen parenting metaphors have to do with cats? Come to think of it, maybe it makes sense. They give affection on their terms. They come home only to be fed. They sleep all the time.... Maybe I'm on to something.

As a therapist who specializes in working with adolescent girls- I can tell you one thing parenting a tween or teen is not: EASY. You spend your entire life loving and nurturing this little being who depends on you for everything. And then one day you turn around and not only do they want NOTHING to do with you. But you're the singular most STUPID human being on the planet. Sound familiar?

Here's the good news- It's completely normal. (Or is that bad news?) Adolescence has been called "The Rise of Narcissism". Which I think is the most accurate description of a time period that (at any other age) would be considered mental illness.

To put it in layman's terms: Your child is SUPPOSED to fight against the powers that be. They are SUPPOSED to challenge, and push, and wrestle, and in general be uncomfortable in their own skin. Why? Because this is the launching pad for adulthood.
And just like the butterfly must claw, scratch and eat it's way out of the cocoon, the teen must struggle for their own new identity.

If they never cast off the rules/expectations put on them, then they will never figure out which of those they ultimately want to internalize. (And yes, they do ultimately end up internalizing a great deal of them). Does this mean you just give up? Accept their challenge without pushing back? Hardly. But what it does mean- is that the struggle is normal and, more than that: healthy. A teen who never pushes is not on their way to developing identity. So, on those days that you're ready to pull your hair out (or commit your first act of child abuse) just know- this is a good sign.*

Even more good news: If you feel like you don't recognize your teen some times, you're not supposed to. They don't recognize themselves much of the time. They're changing daily in their quest for identity.

If you're looking for more information on how to make this crazy relationship work, check out an older post of mine: "The Proper Care And Feeding Of Your Teen" Part I  and Part II

Wishing you sanity and ports in the storm,

*There are times when teen behavior signals a deeper problem that might need attention. I'll address this separate but extremely important topic later this week.

No, I Didn't Forget You!

I have to apologize for my absence lately. I know, I know. You were hanging on the edge of your seat after that cliffhanger ending in my last blog, right? Yup. I knew it.

Without further delay...
The Proper Care and Feeding of you Teen- Part II

Question: What one single thing may be to blame for teen attitude, obesity, ADHD and a host of other medical issues we see in teens?

Answer: Sleep loss.

Recently I was reading the book "Nurture Shock" by Bronson and Merryman. It has to be one of the best books I've read in a long time. Think: "Freakonomics" about kids. I thoroughly enjoyed it and plan to frequently refer to it. So get ready! But I digress.

In the book, the authors touch on the obesity epidemic among children, which seems to be spiraling out of control. They point out that many of the common scapegoats (tv watching, high fructose corn syrup, processed foods) don't hold up statistically. But what has gotten the attention of leading experts most recently: sleep loss. The truth is, kids and teens today get a great deal less sleep than their peers would have just 10 years ago. In fact, there is a direct correlation between sleep deficit and obesity.

And sleep loss doesn't just correlate with biological functions (such as metabolism and fat burning) The authors cite fascinating studies in which children are put to bed just one hour later for three days... which caused a loss of two grade levels on their academic testing! In the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", Weissbluth (a pediatric sleep specialist) correlates poor sleep in early childhood with poor adolescent sleep, ADHD, grades and even seizure disorders.

Most scary of all is the information on teens a sleep deprivation. Adolescents have a biological shift in their circadian rhythms. What does this mean? It means that the naturally occurring "sleepy" time we all feel as adults and small children- actually shifts 90 minutes later in an adolescent brain! Meaning that when a teen is forced to rise early (for school) they will not be able to make up for that sleep at night. In their study, 60% of Freshman got 8 hours of sleep. By Sophomore year? Just 30%.

Why does this matter? Because when teens walk around chronically sleep deprived, they actually double their rates of depression. Ask yourself this: "if you are sleep deprived for a week, how do you behave?" Moody? Irritable? Irrational? Distracted? Forgetful?  Now ask yourself: "what qualities in my teen drive me the most crazy?"..... BINGO! Which brings me to the earth-shattering information:

Much of what we consider "normal adolescent moodiness" is now being reexamined. It might actually be the consequences of long term sleep deprivation.

Because of this (and other) research, school districts across the country are considering a late start time. And the ones that implement it have had amazing results!

Our culture has pushed kids to accelerate. After school activities, AP classes, early college courses etc.... By itself, that's not a bad thing. However, when achievement is prided but sleep is not- what are the real long-term effects? Are they worth it? At a time when an estimated 20% of college students are on anti-depressants, ADHD diagnoses are on the rise, and obesity is declared epidemic; perhaps it is time we started touting the benefits of a free, natural remedy: sleep.

Wishing you a restful evening,

Krysta Dancy

Adolescence... ah where to begin

Teenagers. Few words generate such a collective knowing sigh.

Whether you're a future, present or past parent of a teen- you can understand the sentiment. A time in life when freedom and limitation fight for position. A time when self-reliance and mooching don't seem to notice their own contradictions. And the hormones... yes, the hormones.

As part of my practice, I work a great deal with teens.  From this experience, I've gathered several conclusions and tips. I'd like to share a few with you. In no particular order:


The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Teen.... Part 1 (Part II is here)!

I find that what is most helpful for parents, is to recall the history of us as a people. I'm not talking about "the good ol' days". I mean human history. Since the dawn of humanity, teens have ruled. Depending on the era, thirty was considered "grandparent age" and anything beyond that qualified you for impending death. Not only were teens the parents; they were the warriors, the leaders, the hunters, the foragers. In other words, nature made sure that teens were (above all else)- hormonal, aggressive and passionate. It made sense that with the peak of fertility (and likely parenthood) teens would also be fiercely independent, strong-willed, and full of hubris. This ensured our survival as a species.

Fast-forward to our present day. Not only are teens NOT in charge, they are still living under the rule of parents. Not only are they NOT the warriors, they aren't even the drivers (for a while). Not only are they NOT the parents, they are told they ought not to be having sex at all. There is nothing to hunt and gather, there are no fires to stoke, there are no civilizations to pillage or protect. There are simply endless hours of school, malls, and (of course) sleeping. At a time when they are the most virile and agitated, they are told to do precisely the opposite: "sit still. take notes. be obedient. do what I say."

Now I for one am thankful that the average life expectancy is longer. I am thankful that adolescents no longer call the shots and I can expect to live peacefully to a ripe old age. I am also thankful that we encourage our teens to explore their own identities during their teen years. We give them a break from the stresses of adulthood for a little longer. We encourage parenthood to start only after the hubris of youth has died down- and I think that's good for society and for individual development.

But you can see how this is a recipe for discontent, right? You can see how adolescent angst would rear its ugly head. So what's a parent to do when they have a caveman teenager in gentler, calmer times?

I'm so glad you asked! I have ideas! :)

Point 1: Give your teen a purpose.
Remember, teens were built to be the movers and shakers of society. They were made to create (and destroy) civilizations. Their energy has been an asset to human history... until now. So its up to you as the parent, to help that energy finds its own use. In other words: wear them out!

For some teens this will be an after school job. For others, it's extra curricular programs. For still others, its pitching in more with the running of the household. Each situation is unique to your teen and family. But what is universally true is that they need purpose (just like we do).

It is my belief that human energy cannot be created or destroyed. It is simply re-routed. I believe a great deal of turmoil in the home is due to misplaced teen energy. If a teen has no purpose, no meaning to their existence (at a time when nature made sure they would crave it), what is s/he to do with that useless feeling? Get angry? Mopey? Agitated? Depressed? Yup, and a whole lot more. So put that energy to work somewhere meaningful, and drain the conflict out of your home!

I counsel teens, sometimes for long periods of time. You know what happens every year (like clockwork)? I lose clients around the time school lets out for the summer. It's a typical ebb and flow of my industry. Family vacations have some to do with it, and unpredictable schedules. But it also has to do with the fact that parents and teens start telling me "everything is fine", we're doing great!

Guess what happens every September? My office is flooded with phone calls of frantic teens and their parents, reporting that the remainder of the summer was a disaster. The honeymoon period of catching up on their sleep is quickly replaced by the melancholy of boredom. So with summer just starting, now is the time to preemptively help you and your teen, by finding a purpose for them and their time. It's good for you both!

... check back later... next time I'll talk about what one single thing may be to blame for teen attitude, obesity, ADHD and a host of other medical issues we see in teens today....

ETA- Part II can be read here.

Hoping your summer is purposeful,
Krysta