Fully Starving

Stop. Breathe.

It all feels so real. The carefully procured creation in front of me. So real and yet so far. It reveals everything but it reveals nothing.

I know about you, but I don’t really know you.

Yo, it's not "real"

Remember when you watched the Truman Show and you were all like, "Wow, this place he lives is freaking CREEPY?" *

Look at that creepy smile.
Courtesy of this link

And part of you was kind of like, "Duh Jim Carrey how could anyone accept this washed-out version of life as reality?" But oh yeah, that was the point.

And you were cheering along with him as he searched for the ultimate reality... on his quest to find Truth!?

And then... this moment happened.

A "Whoah" moment
courtesy of this link

Whoah.

His sailboat hits a wall. (Oh yeah, spoiler alert).

Immediately followed by this

A stairway from nowhere, now that's cool.
courtesy of this link

And all of a sudden, his entire WORLD was just busted open. He realized, the reality he had seen and accepted was in fact, manufactured by another. And that a much grittier, more real, more unpredictable reality actually existed. 

Well, I want you to have this moment. Track with me here....

 This is social media. It is contrived. It is a version of reality that other people want you to see. It is a version of reality. Meaning, in its own way, it IS reality. But it is not the whole of reality.

This is your Facebook feed blowing up on holidays with pictures of perfect families doing everything cute. This is your Twitter feed blowing up with pithy comments from everyone who is doing something amazing right now. This is your Instagram account overflowing with photos of hotness, happiness, or cuteness in some way. Sure, it is a real photo. But it is a version of reality that another person wants you to see.

So here is what I propose:

It's enough already. 

As someone who is in the "nitty gritty" with people on a daily basis, take my word on it: their crappy moments look a lot like your crappy moments. Neither of you post them online. 

And oh, for the love of God, can we stop acting like something didn't happen unless it is documented by at least 2 social media sources? The truth is, the moments we are the most fully present are the ones there is no photographic evidence of. Don't misunderstand me, I love posting photos as much as the next person. But its not my reality. It isn't the moments that count for the most. The moment I drink in, is the moment I get out from behind my Iphone, and actually WITNESS the event happening. That is what builds a life. The photos are only a memento. The experience is what counts.

So for today. Give yourself a break, okay? You only get one crack at this crazy ride called life. (At least, as far as we know). So maybe, just maybe, it can be time to truly and fully inhabit the life that you live. 

And let this:

Become this:

*If your answer is "no" then you're too young. It's probably past your bedtime. If its not past your bedtime I don't want to hear about it because that means that people are old enough to stay up late and STILL not know what the Truman Show is... and that is not a reality *I* am willing to accept.

If you like this post, you might like this one too.

Facebooking Death

My client said something so brilliant- I can't stop thinking about it.
She'd lost a friend tragically. And as we unraveled all the particulars of her experience, she grappled for the right words to express her feelings.

"Facebooking Death"

...I sat with that for a minute. 

She went on to describe a phenomenon (one I've seen personally) of people expressing well-wishes for the grieving family via Facebook (or any number of care websites really). Sending posts and even gift cards, while remaining on the outside.

The longer we talked, the more I got a visual. I've seen it myself.
The absolute OVER involvement on one hand... while still leaving the mourning in total isolation.

Most ancient traditions and religions have a communal response to tragedy. Sitting shiva, for instance. And even until very recently, I can remember stories about family "bringing a casserole" to the grieving- every night for the next 3 months.  What every grief tradition seems to have in common: they tell the grieving person: "You are not alone in this."

But I have seen those traditions disappear around me. In suburban modern america we don't know our neighbors. We don't build community. We "facebook life"... and so, of course, we "facebook death".

We allow a photo of a newborn and a wall post to substitute for bringing the new family a meal or washing a dish. We allow a birthday wish to substitute for a phone call or a card or a party. We allow blogging to substitute for being together. It was only a matter of time before death became the same.

You've all seen it- the Facebook page serves as a virtual yearbook of sympathies from every person they've ever met. Meanwhile, the grieving person sits alone on the other end of the screen. 

Is this good for us? It feels so wrong to me.

And here's where I'll confess something that's hardest of all: therapy used to be about helping those with mental health issues. I find this is less and less the case in my office. More and more, therapy is about people needing to be less alone. Don't get me wrong, I still see plenty of nitty-gritty. But often what keeps people coming back, week after week, is that there is real connection to a living breathing person. A person (me) who will set aside everything to be there.

I am honored to be that person. And it breaks my heart that I am that person.

It is my fervent belief that we need to stop facebooking life and start living it. To tighten our circles of influence but increase our investment in that circle. To dig deeply into the people around us. To express our love through action. To enter into their messy, grieving moments and not leave them alone staring at a screen.

We've never had so many friends, and been so alone. 

Wishing you a full, messy, connected life-

No, I Didn't Forget You!

I have to apologize for my absence lately. I know, I know. You were hanging on the edge of your seat after that cliffhanger ending in my last blog, right? Yup. I knew it.

Without further delay...
The Proper Care and Feeding of you Teen- Part II

Question: What one single thing may be to blame for teen attitude, obesity, ADHD and a host of other medical issues we see in teens?

Answer: Sleep loss.

Recently I was reading the book "Nurture Shock" by Bronson and Merryman. It has to be one of the best books I've read in a long time. Think: "Freakonomics" about kids. I thoroughly enjoyed it and plan to frequently refer to it. So get ready! But I digress.

In the book, the authors touch on the obesity epidemic among children, which seems to be spiraling out of control. They point out that many of the common scapegoats (tv watching, high fructose corn syrup, processed foods) don't hold up statistically. But what has gotten the attention of leading experts most recently: sleep loss. The truth is, kids and teens today get a great deal less sleep than their peers would have just 10 years ago. In fact, there is a direct correlation between sleep deficit and obesity.

And sleep loss doesn't just correlate with biological functions (such as metabolism and fat burning) The authors cite fascinating studies in which children are put to bed just one hour later for three days... which caused a loss of two grade levels on their academic testing! In the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child", Weissbluth (a pediatric sleep specialist) correlates poor sleep in early childhood with poor adolescent sleep, ADHD, grades and even seizure disorders.

Most scary of all is the information on teens a sleep deprivation. Adolescents have a biological shift in their circadian rhythms. What does this mean? It means that the naturally occurring "sleepy" time we all feel as adults and small children- actually shifts 90 minutes later in an adolescent brain! Meaning that when a teen is forced to rise early (for school) they will not be able to make up for that sleep at night. In their study, 60% of Freshman got 8 hours of sleep. By Sophomore year? Just 30%.

Why does this matter? Because when teens walk around chronically sleep deprived, they actually double their rates of depression. Ask yourself this: "if you are sleep deprived for a week, how do you behave?" Moody? Irritable? Irrational? Distracted? Forgetful?  Now ask yourself: "what qualities in my teen drive me the most crazy?"..... BINGO! Which brings me to the earth-shattering information:

Much of what we consider "normal adolescent moodiness" is now being reexamined. It might actually be the consequences of long term sleep deprivation.

Because of this (and other) research, school districts across the country are considering a late start time. And the ones that implement it have had amazing results!

Our culture has pushed kids to accelerate. After school activities, AP classes, early college courses etc.... By itself, that's not a bad thing. However, when achievement is prided but sleep is not- what are the real long-term effects? Are they worth it? At a time when an estimated 20% of college students are on anti-depressants, ADHD diagnoses are on the rise, and obesity is declared epidemic; perhaps it is time we started touting the benefits of a free, natural remedy: sleep.

Wishing you a restful evening,

Krysta Dancy

Technology Fasting

I don't generally share personal things, for obvious reasons (first, to protect my personal life from my professional one. Second, because who wants to hear it anyway? ha!) And this may shock you, given the tone of my previous posts. But today I want to talk about something so important, I feel like I should come out of the closet:

I am a technological junkie.

There, I said it. Whew! I feel better. You might have read that sentence with images in your mind of someone with the latest and greatest technology. A Steve Jobs follower who buys tickets to stand in line for the thrill of buying the newest Apple creation. But nope, that's not even where I'm going with this.

Instead, what I mean is- technology has infiltrated every aspect of my life- to the point that it is impacting my personal relationships. Judge me if you must, but first ask yourself if this has ever happened to you:

Hubby: (walks in the door)
Me: (on the phone dealing with customer service, while facebooking on my laptop)
Hubby: (kisses my cheek and says hi)
Me: (barely registers the cheek kiss, and quickly returns it)
Hubby: (goes to change clothes)
Me: (Now surfing for a new recipe, while chatting with two friends, and updating my blog)
Hubby: (Returns to room and attempts to tell me a story from his day)
Me: (Realizes he's talking about halfway through his story and now must make awkward decision of whether or not to admit I don't know what he's talking about...)

Okay, so what did you notice here? The fact that I was completely not present? The fact that I missed various opportunities to connect? The fact that I quite possibly made my husband feel unimportant? Or how about the fact that this "scene" had .... NO DIALOGUE...?

.... Oops......

So what to do? Well perhaps a true junkie ought to go cold turkey. But I can "handle" moderation. Right? So now I'm on a tech fast (self-imposed). I can use the computer for work (which means expect a lot more blog updates- ha! :) ) And I'm free to watch the tv during the day (as if I have time for that). But when 5 pm rolls around... computer and tv are OFF.
And like a true junkie, the mere idea of this gives me chills. Whereas my evenings once seemed too full, they now span in front of me, looming large. What will we do with all that time? The answer so far: walk, exercise, sit outside, talk, read, clean, play... in a nutshell: live life.

Huh, so that's what this is about....


tags:counseling, counselor, depression, emotions, facebook, healthy attachment, ideas, love, marital counseling, marriage, motherhood, myspace, parenting, personal growth, pace of life, priorities, relationship counseling, relationships, self-help, technology and mental health, television, therapist, therapy, twitter

Technology and Mental Health

Yahoo was formed in 1995 and went public in 1996- immediately becoming a part of every young person's vocabulary. Offering free email addresses and a search engine, Yahoo was "it". Until...

Google files for incorporation Sep 1998, and not long after- everyone who's anyone "googles" their questions online.

In 2003 "Tom" created Myspace- arguably the first widespread social networking site. Old friends reunite and anyone "cool" has a Myspace page. Until...

Facebook (although created earlier) became open to everyone over age 13 in 2006. Offering status updates among other things, it becomes the newest "to the minute" way to keep in touch with friends.

Don't even get me started on Twitter...



Once upon a time we lived in a land where decades (or more!) passed between technological inventions. Whole (short) lifetimes existed, and for the most part, the old people didn't have to learn a whole lot "new". A father could pass on his knowledge about carpentry for example, and his son could continue the tradition more or less the way his dad did it. This was the case with most of human history. Change came slowly....

Let me make an obvious statement: this is not true any longer.

What was once the "it" invention, quickly becomes outdated. Inventors extol the virtue of their latest innovations, only to be outdone by competitors 6 months later. The Iphone becomes cheaper and outdated almost the second you buy it (grumble). It's an incredibly exciting time to be alive if you have a technologically gifted mind.

But what about the rest of us?

Throughout human history, we have evolved to accept a certain pace of life. Our minds, our understanding, our perspective are all based on a lifestyle that traveled (at fastest) by horse. To travel from A to B, took time. Your mind was free to wander. You breathed fresh air. Definitions of "road trip" did not include drive thrus, loud music, or speed traps. I would imagine that time spent getting from A to B allowed reflection, decompression, imagination, and if you were lucky- conversation.

So the question I want to pose is- how do you think it affects our minds that many of us literally never sit in silence without a monitor in front of us. Very few of us enjoy more than a few minutes of outside air a day (and usually only when walking from our cars). Our idea of "decompression" is to get Starbucks. Our idea of conversation is now often- text messages, status updates or email.

I enjoy modern comforts as much as anyone. I enjoy starbucks, road trips, facebook and blogging (clearly! ha!) But I'm left to wonder: what is it doing to me?

The human creature adapts slowly. It always has. A great example of this is our obesity epidemic. Our bodies have adapted since the beginning of time- to make the most out of every calorie. To store fat from foods so that we have it in famine. To prevent starvation. To give us energy for the next hunt. To ensure survival. Try telling your body, "I actually don't need you to store fat any longer and if you could just ignore the calories I'm sending- it would be great!" It won't listen (I've tried.)

It is no stretch to see that the human mind is likely the same. While we travel at 80 mph, drinking caffeine, sitting by artificial light until late at night, listening to music or tv constantly... what is our mind making of all this noise? Does our mind know what to do with it? Watching TV feels like rest at the time. But strangely, I don't walk away feeling rested.


Someday, one of the many things I would like to study is just that. We already know that exercise is good for the mind (see my earlier blog). What about fresh air? What about a slower pace? What about sunshine?

The mind is an organ that succumbs to physical realities just like your heart. If you abuse it endlessly- there must ultimately be a consequence. So what is that consequence?

All I know is, that when I get going really fast- I crave the technology. It is a struggle to push that power button off. But once I do, when I'm on the other side, I'm so grateful I did. I feel rested, calmer, happier, and more connected to my loved ones.

The irony that I write this on a blog is not lost on me. Ha! I love technology and love the additions it has brought to my life. So (like most things) it will have to be a balancing act. Anything short of living on a compound will require that I make friends with technology.

But I think the balance is worth striving for....

I'm curious- what is your experience with this? Do you feel technology has helped or harmed your emotional well-being? What do you do to decompress in a real way?