The Story Of All Of Us

Photo By Henry Kowaleski

Once upon a time you were conceived. A bundle of potential, you were declared "good enough". In your personal Eden, life was complete. For a time you knew sufficiency.

Then you joined the outside world. Maybe this was met with rejoicing. Maybe it was met with silence and loneliness. Maybe you were cherished. Maybe you "cried too much".

And life happened. And the cherub slowly fell from grace.

So You Want to Bill Insurance (as a client)

If you plan to use insurance benefits for mental health, you might want to read this article first. What Your Therapist Hasn't Told You About Using Insurance.  Go ahead, this can wait!

Okay, if you still want to use insurance benefits for mental health, here's how to do best that.

How To Bill For Therapy (In-Network or HMO)

How To Outsmart Your Caveman Brain (Part 3)

This wont make sense unless you read Part 1 and Part 2 first.

How Use Neurological Understanding To Help Yourself

1. Discharge the body's threat response. 

We cannot live a life free from perceived threat. Our silly caveman brain is wired to search for it, convinced this will help us live. However, we can increase our awareness of the cycle and make a point to re-engage our Parasympathetic Nervous System (our Peace Survival state). Techniques that can do this include:

How To Outsmart Your Caveman Brain (Part 2)

(To understand this you will need to start by reading Part 1 first)

What Does It All Mean?

Okay so you've made it through the geeky explanations of Part 1. How does this ancient information play out in your modern body, brain and mind?

1. Your body spends too much time in "threat" mode. 

Remember how "Threat Survival" mode means your body stops doing everything irrelevant to surviving a predator? All of your energy, blood flow and oxygen go into your survival mode. Everything is dedicated to fight, flight, faint or freeze. This is hard on your body but it works when it's done briefly. It's a sacrifice worth making to outrun a predator. 

How To Outsmart Your Caveman Brain (Part I)

So you're a modern human. I get it. I love my Starbucks and my air conditioning as much as anyone. A client recently told me "you're just, like, a little bit of a hippie" and I think that probably sums it up. While I love the concept of natural, I also love mascara. It's a tough balance but someone has to do it.

The point is, this is not one more article about how everything used to be better in the old days. I don't think that's a complete picture. While our ancestors might have lived in tune with nature, they also died young and lived hard lives.
Just like mascara, I like to cherry-pick the things I appreciate about modern life and make them work with the outdated equipment I'm using called my body. And believe me, it is outdated. Because although our entire lives have been lived in modernity, our bodies and brains are the beneficiaries of slow evolution. Some things about modern life improve our frailties (like antibiotics!) While many others totally mess with us (like sleep deprivation).

So join me on a process of cherry-picking, okay? It's a bit geeky at first. But I think it will be worth it.

Why The Highly Successful Are Seeking Therapy

There is a strange idea that therapy is only for the very "lost". Despite evidence to the contrary, the ubiquitous stereotype of the analyst's couch and long years of talking... still seems to persist in the minds of many.  The truth is- therapy is more effective, fast-acting and meaningful than ever. As medical technology improves, it continues to strengthen the support for neurologically relevant and rapid therapies. And it turns out, we can all benefit from clearing the emotional path from time to time.

by Unsplash

I know this is true in my office. I see some extremely impressive and accomplished individuals and I love it! (Really, you know I wish I could share- but I can't! You will have to use your imaginations. ) It's a well-kept secret: highly successful and well-resourced people regularly seek therapy as an additional life-improvement tool.

Zero Dollars- Failed Guru

Hey. I'm glad you're here. I need to tell you something scandalous. Something that you rarely hear. Something that no one bothers to mention.

Are you ready?
Here it is:
Chances are, you're doing okay at this life.
(I mean, maybe you won't win any awards any time soon. But, you're most likely doing more good than bad, and more right than wrong.)

And I wanted to tell you that because (I don't know if you've noticed?) that doesn't get said a lot.

It's Too Late

You're already worthy.

When we operate from a place of total and complete comfort in our self-worth- the knowledge that there is nothing we have to do to earn it. It changes everything.

Suddenly you can drop the hustle. You know the one. The way you work so hard for your value. The way you BURN and STRIVE so that others will call you "good-enough".

When you *know*- there is no striving, there is no burning, there is only "good-enough" already... you can exhale. Perhaps for the first time.

So many people fear this space. They think it will look like mediocrity or underachievement. But oh, I guarantee you it is just the opposite! When we can get a handle on how exquisite and worthy we truly are, when we can drop the hustle, when we can exhale, we can actually BE all that we are meant to offer.

Like the most beautiful sunset you have ever seen, generously casting warmth and beauty, when we are seated in our own space of "worthy" we can finally BE worthy. Our glow isn't for anyone else's applause. Our glow simply IS.

You are already worthy. 

Save Your Relationships in a Split Second

If you live with someone long enough... they have screwed you over. 
It's unavoidable. Sharing life with another person means they hurt you, disappoint you, fail you or otherwise let you down. Yes, even "perfect marriages." Yes, even "best friends". Yes, even family members you adore.
And each day, there is that MOMENT. There is a moment where you have a split second to choose. The split second comes and goes before you can blink. But trust me, it's there. I live for those split-seconds in sessions with my clients.
If you don't know what I'm talking about, I'll tell you how to identify it.
It's the moment after the hurt, before the blame.
The moment after the pain, before the anger.
The moment when you feel the ache, and before you lash out.

It's the moment you are reminded of the way they let you down, no matter how long ago, but before you act.

THIS IS YOUR MOMENT.

Breathe. Pause. Blink for crying out loud! Take another breath.

Then watch this video.

Then take another breath. Because, oh man, does this part sting at first.

Hit pause. Now go back. Remember the love you share. Then remember some good moments. Then remember their own broken internal spaces. Remind yourself of their humanness. That they were born into the world as a tiny human (just like you) and they're only trying to figure this out (just like you).

Now hit play. Proceed from this space. Say what you need to. Express what you need to. Take care of yourself.

But for the sake of love, do it from this space. You got this.

Do Cafe Tables Block Bullets?

Some days it's just too much, guys. All the suffering that exists. The ways we humans have found to hurt each other. The many ways it is possible to be afraid. It gets too heavy.

Yesterday. I had a moment. It was over quickly but I am still stuck on it.

I was set to eat lunch at a local cafe with a colleague and friend. Unknown to me, the bank next door had just been robbed. As I parked, the adjacent lot filled with police cars.

As I ordered, I was distracted by the team of armed officers who made their way quietly through the crowded restaurant. One even drawing his taser at one point when he threw open the restroom door. Without a single word, the bustling lunch crowd silently watched the uniformed men work their way through; their posture rigid, their hands on their weapons, their eyes searching.

In that moment, I thought of a lot of things. All. The. Things. All the terrible things.
"Can a cafe table block bullets"? I casually wondered.
"Where are all the exits"? I made mental note.
"Would the bathroom be a safe bet? No, no exit." All while ordering soup and salad.

A woman with two small children finally asked an officer what was on all of our minds, "Are we safe here?" He gave a vague gesture (maybe a thumbs up) as he exited the building and continued his search outside.

Then my food was ready. My friend was waiting at a table. The officers were mostly gone. So I sat down and ate. Which to me, is perhaps the weirdest part. No one left. We all went back to eating.

Partly I sat because it was automatic. But really, if I think about it, I had an inner conversation with myself. One which ended in a subtle declaration "There is danger everywhere." And so I sat.

The rest of my day was also heavy. In fact, I didn't get the chance to tell anyone what happened.

But now I am home snuggling with my toddler and sipping coffee and thinking. WHAT WAS THAT?
"Are we safe here?"
"There is danger everywhere."

And I don't know.

I have no brilliant insights to offer about it. I have a lot of questions.

I also think of those officers and how that frightening moment is their everyday. I want to give them each a hug and a cookie and a day off.

But as for the rest, I don't know man.

My newsfeed is full of anger and fear. FULL OF IT. I make no political point here. Politics do not interest me right now. I kid you not, this morning I saw a police instructional video for how to handle a mass shooting. "Run, Hide, Fight." it said. Like "Stop, Drop and Roll" except for when someone is shooting at you.
"Are we safe here?"
My office is full of people who are traumatized.
"There is danger everywhere."
And I am cuddling my toddler....

I just. don't. know.

My son's pj-clad foot. Also, my sanity.

Here's the only thing I know. The ONE THING in the midst of the dark.

I choose hope. 

That's it. That's what I've got.
I choose to smile at my kiddo's naked booty (he just walked out of the bathroom).
I choose to say "thank you".
I choose to dig for love when there is anger and fear.
I choose to look at my corner of the world as my personal calling.
I choose to turn on Christmas lights at every possible opportunity and smile.

It makes no sense. It solves nothing. But it is everything. It is all I have.

Wishing you hope, smiles, gratitude, love but most of all hope,