When Your Loved Ones Care TOO Much

Someone lamented: "Why can't my family and friends just love me without trying to change me?"

Good question. My answer: "Because they can't."

Oh sure, acceptance is important for love. And it's a form of acceptance to leave loved ones "as-is". Surely, none of us enjoys being "the project". But that said, when your loved one is suffering it is natural to want to make it better. Why? Because their suffering causes us suffering. That's the beauty (and the ugliness) of being in a loving relationship with someone: We want them to get better so we can ALL be better, because their pain gives us pain.

In other words (I'm sorry to say) loved ones have an agenda when it comes to your emotional pain.

This is where the "magic" of therapy enters. A therapist is someone who cares for you and your pain... who is trained to help you find solutions and health. At the same time, a therapist doesn't share your personal life. They don't suffer at the hands of your pain. If you lie awake at night full of anxiety- a therapist cares, but will not be losing sleep next to you. If you refuse to leave the house because you are awash in depression- a therapist cares, but will not be house-bound with you. If you find yourself getting angered too easily with loved ones- a therapist cares, but will not be the one getting yelled at day after day. If your sex life is suffering because of your poor body image- a therapist cares, but... you get the idea.

A trained professional who cares, but who is not personally harmed by your suffering is a valuable tool in the process of growth. They are able to see with clearer vision.  

It's not that the "agenda" of your loved ones is bad. It's just that it's unhelpful. Let me give you an example:

Grief is a process that is non-linear. It doesn't follow a prescriptive pattern. It is messy, it is longer than anyone wants it to be. Rarely do you hear a grieving person say "Wow, that was fast! I feel all better now!" Not only is grief long-lasting, but it is pervasive. It affects all aspects of your life. It makes you withdrawn, prone to anger, prone to depression, unfocused... the list goes on. A loved one who is affected by your grief will want you to *snap out of it*... and quickly. They want "you" back- the person they love. The sooner, the better. And that says nothing of their own grief (since loved ones frequently share losses).

But in this case, rushing grief is not only unhelpful- it is harmful. Rushing the grieving process is akin to prematurely shutting it down. Unfinished grief doesn't disappear- it causes harm to the person harboring it (depression, anger, anxiety, insomnia etc...) In this case, an "uninvolved" party who cares- is the exact person you need. Someone involved enough to listen, to care, to point out areas that need attention... while not "needing" your wellness.

Many clients experience my office as something of a "relief". It's as if they exhale for the first time when they walk in my door. A whole session hour- just for them. No one needing anything for themselves. No agenda on my part. Just a space and time where they can work through their stuff at their own pace. 

What a gift!

So if you are one of those people suffering, and thinking: "I don't need therapy, I have family and friends" please keep this in mind. If you find that loved ones are not helpful any longer... or you're feeling "stuck" longer than you want to be- it just might be a case of "loved ones' agendas". The good news is: their agenda is based on love. The bad news: it can get in the way of your needs. This is the magic, and the gift of therapy. Why not give it a try? There is nothing to lose.

Wishing you a space and time of your very own,

When I Need To Kick A Little Butt

I have a good luck charm.

Okay, don't laugh at me. I realize that this might sound ridiculous. And for the record... I don't really believe it brings me good luck in the traditional sense. But this one article is my "go-to" whenever I need to remember that I'm a part of something bigger than myself. Whenever I need to remember that I have a cheering section behind me. Whenever I need a little extra feisty edge.

Are you ready? Here it is:

 

In case you can't see it (let's face it, my photography isn't particularly stunning). Its a small gold necklace with the letter "M" in fancy script on the front. The "M" stands for Marie: my grandmother's name, my great-grandmother's name, and my middle name. This necklace has been around for at least 100 years, and I get to have it for no good reason- except the name I was given at birth. How cool for me? (Sorry, Sis!)

My grandmother who wore this necklace was a feisty wartime bride who lived out most of her young motherhood in foreign countries where she didn't speak the language or know a soul. And she did it while never forgetting her lipstick or her pearls I'm certain. Now, don't go feeling sorry for her. She wouldn't appreciate it. Marie was a strong individual (who was an acquired taste) that would judge our presidents by their first lady (I like to think of it as feminist of her).

She once walked up to a stranger with a Washington DC license plate which read: "Taxation Without Representation" and said to him: "I don't think you all should have the vote. You have the nicest and cleanest streets already."

I mean really, what do you say to that?

She believed children were to be seen and not heard (that included her own grandchildren). And she also wore Estee Lauder faithfully every day of her life. When she died, there were TUBS of the stuff in her refrigerator. Why she bought in such bulk, I don't know. But that was her in an nutshell: expensive face cream bought in bulk, gold jewelry and fancy hair with a simple button-down collared shirt. She was quite a lady.

And so, when I need to remember that her blood runs through my veins, I wear this necklace. (Oh okay, and sometimes I wear it because it matches my outfit.) But I always think about her when I put it on: my namesake.

And mostly what I contemplate (for half a second while getting ready, because, really: moms don't have a lot of prettifying time) is that part of growing up is looking at your ancestry with all their flaws. Really knowing their warts and seeing them for what they are... and then loving the good of them, and honoring it in yourself.

And then I stop being so deep, and look at the clock, and realize I'm running late for the office again.

Wishing you roots that run deep,

Krysta

5 Reasons Why I Gave Up My Laptop

Psssst... I have to type fast.
Sadly, no beautiful photos today (my favorite part of blogs). No fun formatting.

Why? Because instead of typing this at home on my laptop, I'm sneaking my blogging in between client appointments.

Shhh. Don't tell. 
When colleagues see my door closed, they assume it must be important. Let's leave that illusion in place, okay?
Why am I doing this? Because, for 30 days... I did the unthinkable: I gave up my laptop. Gulp.


You see, my laptop and I have a love affair. It answers all my questions, calms all my mommy fears, provides socialization on rainy-stuck-inside-days-at-home. It also lets me watch my TV favorite shows for free- a fact I don't take lightly. Yes, my laptop suits me just fine.


And that, is the problem.


It beckons me "for just a moment". To check the new movie time, get directions, see the weather forecast. And before I know it, time has passed, and my toddler has trashed 2 rooms, gotten a "snack" all over the floor and is sitting on me in an attempt to finally steal my attention back.


So my friends, it had to go. Because
no matter how much I love my laptop- I love my toddler more. 


I won't lie to you. It's been rough. I'm just over a week into this experiment and there were times I was thankful that I separated the power cord and laptop in places far enough apart for me to think clearly before I could get them both. But a funny thing has happened in just this last week:

1. I've played more with my son.
2. I've gardened more (something I love).
3. My house is cleaner, warmer, and more lovely to be in.
4. I'm more emotionally present with clients (because I didn't "rush" to get there!)
5. I go to sleep earlier. (No glowing screen urging me to keep clicking...)

And so I keep it up. Because I'm convinced this is worth every inconvenience. My love (the laptop) can sit in the guest room closet for a while longer. Right now, my son has things outside he wants to "show me". So please forgive the formatting errors, or spelling errors, or just... the whole rushed aspect of the thing. I'm busy doing things that I love, and it feels good!

Wishing you more connection,

Why I (Kinda) Hate V-Day

So, I had considered writing another love-based post. You know, it's Valentine's Day and it seemed like a natural fit. Who better than a marriage therapist to post lots of hints for love and romance?

And I couldn't stomach the thought.... Why? It just seemed too contrived. Too cutsie. I couldn't do it!

So love and romance will wait for another day. Today, I want to talk about why I (kinda) HATE Valentine's Day. First of all, if you're single- I feel for you. I don't feel for you because you're single. I feel for you because on V-day... the entire world seems ready to tell you why you are inadequate. And that's lame. Don't listen.

But if you're with someone, I think Valentine's Day might actually be worse. Why? It all boils down to one thing: expectation.



Doesn't he look hopeful?
Nope, sorry. You're fired.



Let me put it this way:

a bouquet of roses any other day of the year

= sweet gesture.

a bouquet of roses on Valentine's Day

= a warm up.

And you don't get to know how much you're supposed to give to your sweetie either. It is an undisclosed amount that varies based on mitigating factors (like how much his/her friend was spoiled for Valentine's Day). And this sums up why I hate Valentine's Day: it's too much dang expectation. And if there's anything that kills love like undisclosed expectation, I can't think of what it is.

So today, I'll be saying roughly the Valentine's Day equivalent of "Bah Humbug".... And wishing that instead we would all just be upfront about what we truly want with each other.

(And honey, if you're reading this, just ignore me. I love V Day. And Roses.)

Wishing you and your sweetie a Happy "Death-Of-Love" Day (ha ha),

A Creeping Spice...

After my latest post on marriage, I received a ton of feedback (thanks!) I also received a question from a reader which basically asked:

"These tips are good, but how do you keep a longer marriage going strong?"

.... "Hmmmm", I needed to think on that one.

It's not that I was short on ideas. I'm actually full of those. (After all, it's what I do all day!) But I wanted to think about long-term marriages, and what makes them different. After all, romance is romance... so I'm pretty sure any "romantic tips" would work for any aged couple. The difference I see, however, is that longer-term marriage requires more intentional investment to keep romance alive. So although these ideas will really work for anyone that wants to be creative in their marriage, I chose them for my longer marriages because they are intentional.

5 Ways To Keep A Longer Marriage "En Fuego"!


1. Remind yourself of the reason you fell in love.

Okay, true confession time: I am "Type-A". My husband is not. When we first fell in love, it was because of this fact. His laid-back style perfectly complimented my high energy. In that first haze of young love, he mellowed me out.

.... but guess what? (You already see this coming, don't you?) It is the single-handed biggest source of our married-couple fights. When I have to remind him "just one more time"... and he's getting nagged "yet again"... it's easy to entirely forget that these same traits used to be cute! So my direct advice on this: If your spouse has a trait that is driving you bonkers lately, think back to a time when you found it endearing (yes, there was at time!) It might not make the annoyance go away, but it will help you keep it in perspective.


2. Make love a game.

I am afraid to write this, because my husband (supportive guy that he is) is going to read it. And now he'll know my little secret. From time to time, I issue challenges to myself. (I realize this sounds weird, but wait!) The purpose of jumping these mental hoops is to shake things up in a positive way. Therefore, in a nutshell, the challenge is to do something secretly that will make your spouse happy.

Example- I'll say to myself: "This week I'm going to say something nice to him (unsolicited) every day." or "This week I will only be allowed to nag him once a day" (because lets be honest, it's going to happen!). Other ideas could include: doing a dreaded chore for your spouse, giving hugs and backrubs without sexual agendas, taking the kids off their hands (if they are the usual child-care providers), cooking a favorite meal each night, saying "I love you" every day before work... and so on.

The sky's the limit and creativity is a plus! It's especially rewarding to utilize #3 when doing this.

3. Remember their Love Language.

Gary Chapman wrote a book called "The 5 Love Languages" that is a must-read for every single married person (or parent). It's easy to understand and practical, and it's principles will change your relationship over night. (How many books can say that! And no, I don't know Gary or get any kickback from this! :) )

In an nutshell, everyone gives and receives love differently. (Duh). In this case: physical touch, gifts, acts of service, quality time, or verbal affirmation. The problems arise because we give love to others in the same way we feel loved. While we spend our time picking out the perfect birthday gift ("gifts"), they just wish you would take them somewhere and hang out ("quality time"). Or while we're constantly giving hugs and kisses (physical touch), they're wishing we would just help around the house ("service"). You get the idea.We hear love better when its spoken in our language!

So next time you feel like doing something nice for your sweetie, why not stop and consider their love language? You'll get more bang for your buck if you do!


4. Have sex.

If you read my other article, you're thinking: "Give it a REST, Krysta." But in longer relationships, I see this as sorely underrated. This doesn't mean you need to have sex as often as you once did (although, that would be great too!) It doesn't mean you have to be as flexible or athletic as you once were (ha. I'm teasing you.) But it does mean that nothing says "romantic partnership" quite as well as the classics. 

And if that doesn't motivate you, consider this: when your spouse said "I do".. .they also signed up for a lifetime of only getting to have sex with YOU. Their sexual needs, gratification, identity, feelings of sexiness- come almost entirely from you. That's an awesome responsibility. One I recommend that married couples don't take lightly. Think about it: sex is totally unique in that way. We can receive compliments from others. Others can remind us of our intelligence, charisma, talent and so on. But our sexual identities remain (mostly) hidden from the outside world and reserved only for each other. What an honor and rare connection. I think we could all do better if we cherished that a little more.

5. Re-meet your spouse.
A recent article I read proved that married couples were more likely to guess their spouses perspective wrong, than a perfect stranger! Why is that? Because after all these years together, we get used to thinking we know all about each other. And we disregard any evidence to the contrary. Think about it, we've got each other so pegged- that we figure we can throw away the file. No need to add anything new to it.

But consider this: when you run into an old friend (think high school, college) are you ever amazed at how they've changed? Amazed at what they've made of themselves? Or how they've become so much more: open minded, grounded, creative, ambitious, or conventional than you would have guessed? If so, then I recommend you give your spouse the same chance to wow you.

Next time you're out, try pretending you don't know everything about your spouse (hey, this could fulfill #2!) Try asking them questions like you would at a cocktail party- about their day, their job, their interests.... You might be surprised to find there are things still left to know. And in the process, your spouse will feel cared for. That's a win/win in my book.

Feel free to comment on ways you keep YOUR marriage spicy. I'm always looking for new ones!

Wishing you a sprinkle of Tabasco in your marriage!

Five Easy Ways I Keep It Spicy- and you can too!

I figured in light of the weekend, this particular Blog Prompt was timely:

How Do You Keep The Romance Alive With Your Spouse? (for more info, click here)

Okay, let me start with a True Confession: my life is not glamorous. In case there was any doubt: I write this in sweats. My toddler made sure I did not shower today. My background inspirational noise? The Wonder Pets ("What's gonna work? Team work!")

Why do I tell you this? Because I want you to know that in addition to a fancy-pants "Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist" I am also a REAL person. It isn't like my husband and I get to jet off to Vegas for the weekend on a lark. Heck, we don't even get to eat dinner out without childcare plans. So I get it. I get how marriage could lose a spark. It's easy to do.

That said, I work with couples on helping keep their marriages lively and meaningful. And I've got some ideas. These things work in my marriage, in my clients' marriages, and I think they can work in yours too:

1. Go On Dates.

I know, this might sound completely obvious. But a recent study showed that as many as 60% of married women did not go on date nights with their spouse! While this study might not be scientific, if it's even close to accurate- that scares me. So if you're in that 60%, let me explain why I think date nights are extremely important: The day to day of marriage, maintaining a home, balancing a budget, caring for children, focusing on a career: means that there is a LOT of opportunity for neutral or even negative daily interaction. It takes a conscious effort to make sure that there are positive interactions to balance that out- and help your relationship go the distance.

Similarly, its easy to forget that in addition to all the hats you wear- you are a woman and a lover too. (I know, I said "lover". It's a semi-gross word. However, it's also a TRUE one!) Take it from the woman in sweats- showering, makeup, doing your hair, wearing an outfit that's too sexy for the office or the playgroup, putting on insensible shoes..... these things are important to keep your libido going. Which leads me to my next point.

2. Have sex.

Again, depending on how you're doing- this is either completely obvious to you, or you are cringing and wanting to skip it. But please hear me out! Relationship expert Michele Weiner-Davis writes in her book "Sex Starved Marriage" about this important topic. She offers the controversial opinion (supported by research and brilliant minds) that barring medical issues: having a good sex life is a choice. "Use it or lose it", that's my motto. So while no one is expecting porn-star status from you, it's important to remember that your sexuality was an important part of your courtship and early marriage. And *gulp* it still should be. (*Ducking to avoid laptops being thrown at my head!*)

3. Fight!

What? huh? Did she really say that!? Yup. I did. When I see couples, I would rather have a couple come in my office in a SCREAMING match than completely silent. Not because I enjoy screaming matches (they make my blood pressure rise just like anyone else). But because there is CARING behind it. As long as there is fighting, there is passion behind ideas. There is a belief that your words matter. There is emotion behind your interactions.

This doesn't mean you need to have a dirty-take-no-prisoners-fight. It could be a sparring match. It could be cracking jokes on each other. It could even be playing competitive games on opposite sides. But going head to head can help clear the air... and reignite your passions.

4. Do Something Different!

The worst enemy of love is not hate; its boredom. So I recommend you do something different. Eat in a different location of the house. Switch roles for a day and do each other's "chores". Turn off the TV if it's always on. Try a new board game. Go to a new kind of activity (a comedy club? A sporting event? A concert?) It can be ridiculous, that doesn't matter. Just as long as it's different.

This helps in two ways: One, the novelty centers of your brain respond when you are in new settings. This means you are feeling happier and more open to new ideas. When something is new- it signals to your brain: "Okay, pay attention. You're not used to doing this." And you become more flexible, creative, imaginative, and adaptive. All great things when you're trying to bond with your sweetie. That's why vacations are such great bonding times.

Two, it can allow you to see your spouse in a different light. After years (decades) of doing more or less the same, seeing your spouse doing something DIFFERENT can really help add a sense of freshness and novelty. You just might learn something new about each other- and a new reason to have the hots for one another.

5. Do Something Your Spouse Is Good At!
Let's face it, confidence is SEXY. So is competence (and they tend to go hand in hand). So put yourself in the position to see each other at your best.  This could be a sport, a hobby, or even work-related function. But by seeing each other at your best, it not only gives your spouse a chance to show off (and feel good about themselves) but it shows that you take an interest in what is important to them. And let's face it, feeling good about your skills and your spouse's interest in you... Now that's an aphrodisiac!

Wishing you a sexy weekend with your honey!

"What's It Like Parenting Tweens and Teens?"

Today I took a blogging challenge, to answer the question: "What's It Like Parenting Tweens and Teens?"

My first responses were things along the lines of:

- Ever been sucker-punched in the gut? Then hugged? Then kicked in the groin?

- It's like trying to dress up a cat, with claws.

- It's like trying to keep a grip on a water worm (do you remember those things?)

- Running in quicksand?

- Or how about: It's like telling a cat to sit.

Why do so many of my teen parenting metaphors have to do with cats? Come to think of it, maybe it makes sense. They give affection on their terms. They come home only to be fed. They sleep all the time.... Maybe I'm on to something.

As a therapist who specializes in working with adolescent girls- I can tell you one thing parenting a tween or teen is not: EASY. You spend your entire life loving and nurturing this little being who depends on you for everything. And then one day you turn around and not only do they want NOTHING to do with you. But you're the singular most STUPID human being on the planet. Sound familiar?

Here's the good news- It's completely normal. (Or is that bad news?) Adolescence has been called "The Rise of Narcissism". Which I think is the most accurate description of a time period that (at any other age) would be considered mental illness.

To put it in layman's terms: Your child is SUPPOSED to fight against the powers that be. They are SUPPOSED to challenge, and push, and wrestle, and in general be uncomfortable in their own skin. Why? Because this is the launching pad for adulthood.
And just like the butterfly must claw, scratch and eat it's way out of the cocoon, the teen must struggle for their own new identity.

If they never cast off the rules/expectations put on them, then they will never figure out which of those they ultimately want to internalize. (And yes, they do ultimately end up internalizing a great deal of them). Does this mean you just give up? Accept their challenge without pushing back? Hardly. But what it does mean- is that the struggle is normal and, more than that: healthy. A teen who never pushes is not on their way to developing identity. So, on those days that you're ready to pull your hair out (or commit your first act of child abuse) just know- this is a good sign.*

Even more good news: If you feel like you don't recognize your teen some times, you're not supposed to. They don't recognize themselves much of the time. They're changing daily in their quest for identity.

If you're looking for more information on how to make this crazy relationship work, check out an older post of mine: "The Proper Care And Feeding Of Your Teen" Part I  and Part II

Wishing you sanity and ports in the storm,

*There are times when teen behavior signals a deeper problem that might need attention. I'll address this separate but extremely important topic later this week.

Motherhood: There's An App For That?

In some ways motherhood is easier than it's ever been. There's an app for potty training, sleep training and (I just purchased!) a clock that changes colors when kids are allowed to get up in the morning! Don't forget about baby carriers, car seat carriers, and Baby Einstein.

Most days I'm glad that I'm a mom today.

But I have to wonder: with all the advances, are we losing something?

I mean, after all, motherhood has (I assume) been just as fulfilling and meaningful for previous generations. (I feel safe assuming this because we still exist as a species... so there must be something appealing about it!) I also assume that previous generations didn't sit around doing nothing, and wishing "If only I had an electronic device to which I could give 4 hours of my attention!" And as far as I know- we still have just 24 hours in a day. 

So here's the strange thing I contemplate: What did we take out of our days to make room for the new gadgets?

Most of it (no doubt) was manual labor. But again, I know that previous generations didn't spend all waking hours laboring. So what about the relationship time? The social time? The interaction with others? What did they used to do, that we now fill with our new ways?

Don't get me wrong, I am not an "unplugged" kind of girl. (Clearly, as I write this in a blog). I belong to networks galore. Enjoy a good YouTube video. And I'm thankful that I can google just about ANYTHING that interests me. I love that I can stay connected with friends and family far away, and that everyone gets to see that cute new video of my son within minutes of it happening....I

And yet, I'm left thinking- maybe there was value to the slower pace. After all, it is how humanity has spent most of history. For example: transportation. Maybe there was value to walking alongside your child on the way to a neighbor's house? Maybe the fresh air, exercise, conversation, quiet, sounds of nature... were better for us than the gas fumes, cell phones, music blaring, DVDs playing, and traffic. Maybe there was something meaningful in the gaze of a newborn... instead of the glow of a screen? (Ouch).

Maybe in our quest to be the most-put-together-have-it-all-and-look-young-too woman, we lost touch with something else. The fast pace and glamorous appearance cost us something.

A little more time talking, less watching. More reading to, less reading online. I don't know- it's something I aspire to at least.

Wishing you (and me!) a slower-pace,

What If We're Just Okay?

I may have written on this before. If so, I don't want to know. Let's just pretend this is a unique and original though, okay?

Today it strikes me particularly hard, this idea of self-concept.

If a child is told they are naughty, mean and bad all their life- how will that child will behave? Of course: the child will act like they are naughty, mean and bad. S/he will live and choose things that back-up that idea.

This make so much sense to us when we look at children, but we  often forget this about ourselves. In our heads we run scripts of negative, harsh, no-good, very-bad thoughts all day long. We see all the things we do not do well enough. All the ways in which we cannot measure up. We run lists of things unaccomplished, things left undone. We constantly tell ourselves that we are not doing enough.

And then we expect performance from ourselves. We expect happiness, and success. We expect accomplishment.

How does this make sense?

If we spoke to a child the way we speak to ourselves, and then demanded achievement... everyone around would easily see and realize the error. Who is going to achieve anything, when all they hear is how they are nothing? Yet we do it to ourselves all day long, and no one speaks up for us....

So I'd like to propose something: What if we started telling ourselves good things? What if we are already good enough? Smart enough? Kind enough?*


Oh, I know what you're thinking. That negative self-talker is very crafty! The self-talker says: "But I don't ever want to feel I've accomplished everything, or I'll stop growing!" Yup, like I said: its crafty.


To which I say: "Crafty self-talker, look at the kids. Do we wait until they are Picasso before we praise their effort on their drawing? Do we wait until they are a professional athlete before we encourage them for giving their all in a game? Do we wait until they have graduated college before we ever congratulate them for an 'A' on a test? Of course not! That would be silly, and counter-productive. The child will give up long before making those lofty goals, if all they hear is criticism. YOU ARE THE SAME WAY."

Are you hearing me yet? Is your self-talker finally getting it? If we wait until we are perfect, we will never be kind to ourselves. And really, what a tragedy.


So I propose the radical concept: You are ENOUGH. Today. For this moment. Enough.... now breathe.

I really think you're enough,





*Okay, so I realize this is a good spot for a Stuart Smalley impression. But really, I'm not going for it. It just happens sometimes when I get on a roll. ;)

What Your Therapist Hasn't Told You About Using Insurance

Hi, I'm glad you're here!

This post was written in 2010 and no longer reflects the state of managed care and mental health. 

I've decided to retire it.

Best!

Krysta